With that said, there were "some" good moments during Christmas and new year, but most of the areas in my life have been taken with confusing, blurry pictures and empty feelings. Days drag on with whole bunches of things going on but I don't get excited with them. I try to get inspirations from books, spiritual people's testimonies, movies, talks or quotes, but what do I need the most?
Truly, I start to get bored in blogging about my boredom in life, my lack of excitement and my emptiness in heart. I start to wonder where God is in my life. Yes, I have been sharing this to many people, and maybe talking it over with some of the poeple, but healing comes so slowly that I wonder it'll ever be healed again. I see family and friends around me busying themselves with their beloved jobs, goals in studying, tendency to be succesful in their lives, adventurous travels...and I get envied. One of my friends here, SaraJane, told me to get a view of a whole big picture in this year, not only a particular small part of the future. And I think it's true. But my problem is I don't see anything at all. (underlined that word "at all") I don't feel like myself. I have been someone else whom I hate, and I want to get out of this self soon! At the same time, with all the burning desire to walk away from this useless self, I feel trapped.
Today I was reading the weekly devotion by Rick Joyner, and the scipture is in Ephesians 2:8-9 which you guys probably know so well. And he was talking about by grace we have been saved. And it is not about deeds that God is fond of us, or else He wouldn't send Jesus down to die on the cross for our sins, but it is our broken and contrite hearts. He has no need of our help because He is the I am, but He loves us and wants the best for us. Somehow, human gets slayed easily because of Satan. The best example of all is Adam and Eve who fell into sins because they'd rather lived life with the knowledge of good and evil than with the fruits from the Tree of Life. And I think that's what I have now. I try to live life righteously, do things on my own so it'd not bother anyone, blame myself and dwell in bitterness while Jesus says He is our righteousness and salvation. He is ready to help me, but I am not willing just yet. I don't know why I am so stubborn like donkeys, but it probably takes sometimes. Some says God takes time with us so that we'd really realize what He has in plans for our lives, and that we'd see His abundant mercy, grace and love clearer. And I hope it is true. I know all these facts and truths, but I cannot just live them.
I'm now reading the book called, "Through the painted desert" by Donald Miller. And I'd like to quote this sentence which totally struck me so hard:
"Life is to be lived, not just gotten through."
(Not the exact quote, but something like this) I really like it, and have been thinking a lot about it. Life is a struggle for me now, and I pray that in some days soon, God'd change this whole gray picture into something colorful and bright. And I'd get my real self back again.
1 comment:
Hey Mink,
I liked what you said, and it was good to hear about how your human and not perfect. It seems like people these days juts wan't to put out the image of "everything's fine" and carry on struggling. It gives me hope for myself, and my own struggles. I know how you feel though, last year I went through a four month depression that was only relieved by God shaking me up a bit at Winter camp and reminding me how much he loves me.
I'm here for you Mink, as a brother, and you can trust me. I will never give you up to the devil.
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