Wait...Again?

So...Christmas went by...pretty fast.

Here I am preparing for a new year.

God was merciful to send 3 awesome people to me to spend time with over the Christmas weekend. I had already prepared myself to celebrate it alone...so it was beyond what I expected....the gift given to a grateful heart. Thank You, Father.

On the Christmas night, we were sitting by the river and I was asked to name a few things that I'd like to set as goals and accomplish within the next Christmas. I had 3 things I'm planning to get done...but I actually had more than that. There're many more things I want to have or to do; for example, I want a camera, a laptop computer, a shelf to put my books on and a coffee table for my room; I want to travel abroad, see the world with my own eyes and work among the marginalized.

YET God has a different plan. Since Christmas, He's been speaking the message of waiting to me over and over again...so often that it'd be hard to miss that.

Last Saturday, I was trying to run an errand in town. But every place I went was close. I went to get my skirt that i dropped off at a nearby shop 2 weeks ago only to be asked to wait. Seriously, i waited for 2 weeks...you haven't finished it yet? That was totally my thought at that moment. Then I rode my bike to the night bazaar to get my nails done. Usually, i would just waltz in and get started. Well, the place was packed...and it looked like i'd have to wait 10-15 more minutes. So I just went to another place instead. As I was waiting to cross the street, there came a yellow light with the word "WAIT". I was like, "Whoa! Wait a second, God. I think I'm catching on pretty quickly. You don't have to repeat that over and over again like this. It's pretty scary."

How would you feel when you received a message like this at the beginning of the new year? Wait? Again? Surely, a person's patience has to have some limits? Surely, when a new year comes, you'd want to see some changes or signs that you could move on or stop right here...not the word "wait".

Well, God's ways are not our ways. I have resigned to that fact.

On December 26, I was reading Psalm 37...and these sentences stood out so clearly as if the Lord was telling me what I must do:

"TRUST in the Lord and DO good; (3)

"DELIGHT yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (4)

"COMMIT your way to the Lord; TRUST in Him..." (5)

"BE STILL before the Lord and WAIT patiently for Him;" (7)

"WAIT for the Lord and KEEP His way." (34)

All the capitalized words above are the order from God...clearly instructing and guiding me. As I'm entering into a new year, my mind begins to worry about my future; what I'm gonna do next, where I'll be in a year from now, will I ever have a boyfriend. Waiting can be very tiring, challenging, demanding, frustrating and discouraging.

"I don't wanna wait anymore, God!", I shouted.

Then He gently speaks to me through the words above..."Trust in Me. Delight yourself in Me. I will surely give you the desires of your heart. Just commit your way to Me. Be still and wait patiently for Me. Do as I say."

How could you say "no" to a God who's ever so patient like this?

How could you turn away from such loving Father, who has waited for eternity for a soul to find its way back to Him?

And how could you be impatient when you see the Savior enduring the plight of the cross to redeem human from sins?

The Holy Spirit ministered to me and showed me what I am and what I am not.

Waiting is a sacrifice...a pleasing sacrifice before the eye of the Lord.

Waiting doesn't mean sitting around and doing nothing.It means that we lay what we hold dear to Him and offer all that we have and all that we are to the God who's above and beyond our understanding and imagination.

It means giving up something we think is good to gaining something God thinks is best.

How cool it is to start this year with me "waiting". I am half excited and half scared to see what's going to unfold and what He has in store for me as I wait on Him. I'm going to need a real rejoicing time that I can only find in Jesus when my patience comes to an end. God is going to be my only pure joy and delight when I don't get what I want.

On December 27, I wrote in my journal about the time of waiting with my 2 friends before their bus leave Chiang-Mai. We were hanging out in my room...trying to kill the 1 1/2-hour time. One was reading the Bible and the other one giving me a guitar lesson. We did nothing much...but waited. Here's what I wrote in my journal, "I greatly enjoyed that hour of having nothing to do but waiting. You can do so many memorable things while waiting." We sang some good worship songs together. I, personally, felt the Lord's presence among us.

"Waiting isn't too bad."

So...here I'm waiting....and doing my best...for You, Jesus.

A Giant of Faith: "Everything Around Me Proves That God is Real."

Last Saturday, we were up in Chiang-Dao district visiting TH973, a project that’s working with Chinese and Shan people. In the afternoon, we split into 2 groups to visit some children’s families. Our group went to Patchara’s house. She’s a tiny girl with bright brown eyes. Her family is Chinese. They are now living in someone else’s property, more like “house-sitting” for their cousins. There are 3 children in this family, all registered in the project.

Patchara’s mother is a petite Chinese lady with shy smile painted on her face. She came to Christ through her children. When they come home, they tell her about the stories they have learned at the project. One day, she was given the Bible. She started looking at Genesis 1. She read about all the days of creation and how everything was made in the sight of the Lord. Slowly, it came to her that there must be a God in this world…a God who reigns above all else. She then decided to receive Jesus into her life and has devoted herself to God.

However, she’s the only adult Christian in the family. Those around her are either Buddhists or ancestor-worshippers, including her husband. During our brief time, she told us how she is grateful to be found by God and is alive in Him. But she started choking a little when she talked about her struggles in the community. Through her tears, she shared to us about her being mockingly asked by her neighbors. “Where is God’s love? How do you know it’s there?”, t hey said. Her sincere reply gave a huge lump in my throat. “Everyday I’m greeted with His love. When I rise and see the sun, I know He’s there. Everything around me proves that God is real.”

Despite the physical difficulty and spiritual challenges, she firmly said that she will not waver because she knows that Jesus is the only Way. She also asked us to pray for her husband who is very opposing to what she believes. On the earlier visit (when I went with P.Yui and P.Ying), she told us that her husband threatened to leave her if she didn’t return to the former ways of belief.
Her faith is just rock solid. I was so thankful to be able to meet with a giant of faith like Patchara’s mother. I was reminded of a song by 33 miles, “There is a God”.

There's a beauty to the dawn, a rhythm to the rain

A silence in the soul that I just can't explain

There's a breath of life I breathe, a beating in my heart

A magnificence, a scary sense of what lies past the stars

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be

There is a God; this is the proof

That all around the evidence is speaking the truth

From the center of my soul to the edge of the universe

Creation is crying out believe it or not

There is a God

There's a debt that has been paid, a grace that I've been shown

A hope that I've been given that I have never known

There's a love that conquers darkness a peace alive in me

There's a life that's not just here and now but for eternity

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be that

I believe it; I believe it

There is a God I can feel it; I can feel it

There is a God

And the more I find the less I need to see

I've never been so sure, so sure of anything

Before we left, we were, one by one, shaking hands with her, hugging and whispering thanks to her through our tears. We were there to bring encouragement but it was us who walked away challenged and encouraged.

Patchara's Mother

Patchara's the girl on the right.

I Delight to Do Your Will

I just finished reading the whole bible, and I'm still trying to figure out what to read next. Should I find a bible study book and focus on that or should I read something like Our Daily Bread? I don't know yet. But today, I opened a daily devotional book, God's Promises, my friend gave me years ago to today's date (Nov 5), I found just what I need. Here's what it says:

"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart." Psalm 40:8

The situation that looms in front of you may seem impossible to overcome in your own strength. It might be the result of your own actions, or you may be an innocent victim, caught in the backlash of someone else's consequences. Whatever the case, we can easily become intimidated, even fearful, and eventually immobile. The only way to move beyond that sort of paralyzing stalemate is to learn to accept and trust God's plan. You release the controls and wait for Him to move.

- Charles R. Swindoll
Paul: A man of Grace and Grit

I'm so cumbersome with loads of work at the moment. We, Yui (my best co-worker I could ever ask for) and I, have a big tour coming up next week. Our schedule becomes so crammed up with the tour's to-do list. This is not to mention other daily tasks I have to handle such as replying daily e-mails, making phone calls, following up with other co-workers for a week-late questions and arranging visits. Somehow my time is consumed with work that I unfortunately have to neglect other important stuff such as keeping in touch with friends or being there for those who need encouragement.

Today's verse gently brings me to my knees. The psalmist says, "I delight to do Your will,
O my God, and Your law is within my heart." Often I automatically do what I'm supposed to do without even thinking why I do it and whom I do it for. Without answers to these 2 questions, all the work in the world is pointless. It's "vanity and grasping for the wind".

So let us find the meaning of our life, our job and our very existence. Why we do what we do? And whom are we doing it for?

Grace and Peace,

Mink

Lions Were Vegetarian

Well, uh, here's something I got from helping with the Sunday School at church yesterday. My class was age 4-5. There were about 10 kids altogether with 1 teacher and 2 TAs. So it was a very decent class...we got to interact with children more intimately.

A boy named Micah walked in while we're making animal headbands (we're talking about Noah). He quietly seated beside me and started painting. When I asked him to choose which animal he'd like to have, he picked lion. Of course, boys love lions. :)

So, wanting to break the silence, I asked, "Micah, do you know what lions eat?"

Micah: "Well, at the beginning of the world, lions were vegetarian." (??!!

Me (feelin' a bit surprised): "Yeah? Why do you think they were vegetarian?"

Micah: "Coz God created lions to be vegetarian. But...but...after Adam and Eve sinned, they started killing each other. So that's why lions eat meat now."

Me: "Oooohhhhhh...."

At least I know now that at least lions thought very highly of veggies. Tell your kids if they wanted to be like lions, they should start eating more vegetables. :)

Precious.

Mulling Over Life

First, let me warn you that this entry will be LONG. So if you may not have enough time to read, feel free to print it out and read it at work or at home.

This week, I have a privilege to be the sole owner of my work station. All the other 3 girls are away: one in Bangkok, one in Australia and one unknown. Be it coincidence or destiny, we are all single. People often drop by to tease us about it, which we apparently don’t mind. Anyway, I’ve been able to get a lot of work done sooner than I thought and now I have some spare time to post this blog.

Life at this stage is good. The 2nd year of work is definitely easier than the 1st. For a few months at the beginning of the year, I was ready to bail. My heart wasn’t in my job. I struggled to find a home church. I missed home TERRIBLY. I wanted OUT.

Then came a trip that changed my attitude, fanned up my passion and God brought me back up to my feet again. How quickly I forgot my first love. Since the trip, I began to see Compassion ministry in fresher perspective. The prospect of ALL workers, be it in the head office or in the local churches, joining in one hand regardless of cultures and denominations excite me and makes me willing to go second, third, fourth mile to serve others’ need and, ultimately, serve God.

The Lord has also blessed me with a friendship that I long sought for. P. Manna is the Country Director’s assistant whose desk is just right behind me. She came here 5 months ago with the bachelor degree in graphic design (I think) from England. She’s from a very strong Christian family who is heavily involved with their church’s ministries. I never imagined we’d get together because her and my life is totally different. She seemed to me like a spoiled rich girl, at first. But we got to spend more time together during lunch break and weekends. Our common ground is movie. So after knowing her, I’ve watched more movies than I did last year in total. Having a friend who cares allows me to be more like myself and gives a sense of belonging and security.

I’m also helping out with the Sunday school class at the church I go to. I assist the 4-5 years old class, which is a lot of FUN! The first time I went was a bit awkward because it was mostly white kids. I know it shouldn’t be difficult because I have some very good Canadian and American friends but they’re adults. Kids are different. So I had to orient my mind all over again and observe their behavior and needs. After the class, I realized that children are the same all over the world. What they need MOST is genuine love and attention, period. It may come in different forms. Some kids may be more demanding while others may choose to hide behind their siblings’ backs. But all of them have potentials to create something fantastic. Just give them the time, a piece of paper and a box of crayons, they’d show you the entire world you need to see.

On a more personal note, God has put me through a very intensive course of abiding, trusting & surrendering and wrestling. There are some struggles since the past that I find it difficult to overcome. Every time I allow my desires to come before God’s, there comes the guilt. Every time I confess my sin and ask for forgiveness, I feel ashamed because it isn’t the first time I do it. So I feel like a liar, unworthy to come before God and want to bury my face in the ground.

David’s acknowledgement of God’s presence resonates with what I experience at the moment:

“7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

There’s nothing to be hidden from God’s sight. Everything is clear as it is day. There’s no point in hiding my sin from Him. But at the same time I’m ashamed to come with dirt in my hands and have to look into His loving eyes and see not anger but forgiveness there.

The Spirit has convicted me. We learned together during devotion that Jesus is the Ruler of our life. He is omnipotent and sovereign. None is like Him. He is the PERFECT masterpiece. Jesus needs not try to reign for He DOES reigns. He simply IS. On the contrary, I, with my human nature, tend to obtain the rights that I shouldn’t have. I try to sit on the throne myself. It feels GOOD to have power, to get what I want, to have ALL the attention to myself and to not be responsible for any consequences of my words or deeds. It feels GREAT to pamper myself.

Hence, failed the angel.

But since NOTHING can be hidden from God’s sight, should I continue to be ashamed and blame myself? Though God has all the rights to judge human, He chooses not to condemn us. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Every time I read or hear this verse, I have to breathe a sigh of relief and give thanks to God. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus! We, robed in Jesus’ blood, are permitted the entrance to God’s sacred area. No matter how guilty I feel, but when I ask anything in Jesus’ name, I know He will answer.

That leads to the 1st thing I’ve been learning from God – Abiding. To abide means to stay hooked to, to remain, and to keep free of obstructions. The Father is the Vinedresser, Jesus is the Vine and I am the branch. He is saying, “I am the One hooked to the source, the nourishment, not you!” When I remain in Him, I acknowledge His full authority and the submission of self will naturally follow. I need to stay clean (confess my sins), close (spend time with His words) and obedient (do what He says) to God. Abiding is active, not passive. It is a choice to make.

Yet the verse doesn’t end there. Paul continues by saying, “…,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” We, though accepted and loved by God, MUST NOT take advantage of His grace. One all-time-favorite question for new believers is, “If our sins are forgiven by God, then what’s the point in not sinning?” Aha, repeat this verse with me, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) Jesus Himself told His disciples that, “no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskin.” Whatever reasons we may have to go back to the old way, leave them! Our old life doesn’t fit with the better things Jesus prepares for us.

I know it’s easy said but hard to be done. Yet nothing is too difficult for God. Remember that by abiding in Christ, we have come half way through. When we live by the Spirit, we bear much fruit. Notice when Paul said “the fruit of the Spirit”, he uses it in a singular form. Thus it means that when our life is in tune with the Spirit, this fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) will consequently show. Galatians 5:24-25 says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

The 2nd thing I’ve gained is about surrendering & trusting. There are many areas in my life I reserve only for myself. I’m sure many of you go through the phase when the person you trust most is yourself. It may be the time when you apply for college after 12th grade or when you patiently wait for a sign that he/ she may be interested in you or when you have your wedding planned out or when you reserve a room at a romantic resort for your 50th anniversary. You have expectation. You want it to go as planned. You don’t want to be disappointed.

Yet sometimes when life takes its full swing, you somehow find yourself on the floor, defeated. There’s the letter of rejection in your mailbox. The guy/ girl you’re interested is now dating with someone else. Your wedding is called off. The 50th anniversary is turned into a funeral because of cancer.

Who then can we turn to in those unexpected moments? When life is OUT of control, what do we do?

I was fretting about something the other night. I was furiously scribbling stuff I wanted to do down if I could have my way. I chewed on my pen. My mind was reeling. My heart was restless. When I finished writing, I started to read what I wrote. It made no sense to me! A voice came to me asking, “Where is God in all these things?” I was so worried that I couldn’t lay it down at the altar. I refused to let Jesus take the load from me.

So I prayed for God’s forgiveness and lifted the worry before Him. Needless to say, the weight was gone. It was such an incredible feeling…like there’s nothing in the world that I can’t do…if you know what I mean.

Surrendering, I realized, is rewarding but it’s a work one must choose to do everyday. There are many other areas I’m still holding back from Him. And I know that they must be dealt with sooner or later. It isn’t an easy gain but once it’s done it feels GOOD.

Lastly, the 3rd lesson is about wrestling. Not any normal wrestling match. It’s a life-changing, breaking-me-and-making-me-new kind of wrestling with the Supreme Creator. I don’t know about you but I, personally, have a struggle that I find it almost impossible to overcome. Every time I’m tempted, I can do nothing else but yield to the temptation. One day I told God I won’t ever do it again then the next day I’m caught red-handed.

Wrestling with God is a life-long work. The more God’s word is engrained in my heart and the closer I am to Him, the more effort Satan uses to lure me away. It knows my weakness and it gets to the right spot every time. When I give in, I can hear a mocking laugh and a sneering voice saying that I’m as cheap as dirt.

But the Lord promises that He “will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)

This wrestling match with God requires determination, persistence and forgiveness. Jacob was wrestling with “the man” until daybreak and he wouldn’t let go until he received the blessing. Eventually at daybreak, the man said to Jacob, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.” (Genesis 32:28) I love the last part, “…and have OVERCOME”. I’m not battling in vain. There is a hope that when I persevere and stand for what is right; I will see God “face to face”. And there’ll be no shame on that day.

On a quest to heaven, we, pilgrims, will have to go through many roads and valleys. But when we are faithful to the end, we will see the glorious light shining before us. We will quickly forget the pain, suffering and tears because there in front of us is the radiant Jesus robed in beautiful garment holding out the crown of life to us who persevere.

My Heart's Yearning

"Since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken,

let us have grace, by which we may serve God."

Hebrews 12:28

God is a God who opens the door and waves His hand, pointing pilgrims to a full table. His invitation is not just for a meal, however. It is for life. An invitation to come into His kingdom and take up residence in a tearless, graveless, painless world. Who can come? Whoever wishes. The invitation is at once universal and personal.

- Max Lucado

And the Angels were Silent

I'm listening to this song "How Deep the Father's Love" right now...and I could see Jesus' face coming up smiling at me. I feel so inadequate...so humble...because of His unconditional love. Even though I sin and turn away from Him, He is forever unchanging. It makes me shameful of how I've treated Him. I said I will stay clean, close and obedient to Him but when something comes along the way and tempts me, I somehow forget what I promised to Him.

I love God...I do...with all my heart. But a lot of times, lots of frustrating times, my desire wins. How I yearn to be rid of the sinful nature for good!

Yet because of His forgiveness, and only because of it, I can be unashamed. Please pray for this spiritual warfare within my heart. I know Jesus has already won the battle but denying myself everyday and taking up the cross IS difficult.

"Oh Lord, please forgive me for my disobedience and for putting myself in a place where I shouldn't have. Thank You for Your blood that washes away my sins. Jesus, I have no desire to take any advantage of Your salvation. I don't want to cheapen Your grace. Please accept this broken heart. Father, You promised that when we humble ourselves and pray and seek Your face and turn from our wicked ways, You will hear from heaven and forgive our sin. Help me, oh God, to be a living sacrifice for You. That people will see You through me.

Thank You for loving us, mankind, so dearly that You should come and die on the cross...to endure the searing pain so that we may have life. God, I commit myself into Your hand. Though the world turns its back to me, I will continue to follow You.

You know that I love you...I DO."

God's Touch

Sometimes the sun causes me weariness but not today. After 3 days of outrageous storm, the sun shines out her graceful rays and causes my heart to sing.

At my first waking hour, her orange swelling ring slowly glided up the horizon to greet me.

When I walked to my workplace, she kept me company giving me the warm morning touch.

After lunch, as I carried a cup of cold Sprite on one hand and a bag of snacks in the other, her blazing power caused me to sweat, reminding me of the summer beach.

When I eventually got home, all tired and discouraged, the last golden beam turned her face to me saying goodnight...you've done well...go to sleep and rest.

Simple things like these are the message of love from God to me. They are not to be ignored but appreciated. A lot of times when life gets hectic, I tend to overlook these miracles.

God is calling for your attention. Do you hear the whisper of the wind? Do you feel the loving hug in the cloak of moon-lit night? Do you see God...smiling in your son's joyful face?

Jesus is everywhere. And His peace, which transcends all understanding, is for me...and for you.

Photo from: http://www.takegreatpictures.com/

Used VS Loved

I got this e-mail from a friend this morning; and after reading, I feel compelled to share it with you. It's about a lifeless object and a soulful human being. Here you go:

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad, when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions...sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.The next day that man committed suicide.

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life...Things are to be used and People are to be loved. But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved...Let's be careful to keep this thought in mind:

Things are to be used, but People are to be loved .

Be yourself.

This is the only day we HAVE.

Have a nice day.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits they become character;

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

God bless you! Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL.

A friend.

Sometimes we are so obsessed with materials that we forget the most priceless treasure we possess - LOVE.

Mink

1st Anniversary Reflection

Today is my 1st anniversary working with Compassion. How incredible that is! Time has flew by, and now I'm about to take on the 2nd year. It's amazing how my life is so different from the past yet, in a sense, it's the same. Different in ways of living, people association and surrounding environment. But the same..as it's still a life I live since the moment I came out of my mother's womb...as I'm still Mink.

Since I stepped off the bus, life has taken so many turns that sometimes I find it hard to breathe easily. It's like being on a roller coster...really. My hands have to grip the bar so tightly that my knuckles turn white. When it gets swooshy, I could almost feel my soul leaving my body. lol That was a bit exaggerating. Anyway, I used to feel like a stranger in my hometown and a guest in my new home. I felt I could burst in excitement as every area of my life was full of adventures. I went through the dark days as I struggled with loneliness and sense of alienation. So many things happened...and it's been only a year.

This morning, the word of God came to me from 2 Corinthians 8:10-12, "And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it; that as there was a readiness to desire it, so there also may be a completion out of what you have. For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have."

Somehow I feel like it's my birthday today. You know, I remember the date very well. There is a significant meaning to it. The day is special to me, and I'm thrilled and excited to recognize and honor it. Yet it's still one of those normal days when people keep on with their daily life. What matters to one may not matter for others. Well, God's word came as a BIG reminder that one cannot only desire and wish what we want will become true. There must be an eager willingness to complete what we set out to do as well. One of dad's wisdom that I still carry on and cherish until today is, "Dream big and fulfill it. If you don't dream, you don't start doing anything."

Yet, as a Christian, to complete what we desire isn't only a matter of our own success. I learn that the job I have in my hand, God's ministry, is ultimately to advance His kingdom. Sure, I've got a job, decent salary and convenient lifestyle but that's not what God had me set out to do. The purposes He has for me are way grander than this - that through my life, children and their families in Compassion projects will be released from poverty (and I'm only just a teeny tiny part in it!); that I will become one of His huge organism and affect one another in godly ways; and that His glory will be magnified through all of us by different circumstances be it good or bad.

The other night, while I was lying on my back in the dark, I began to think of how many days I have left (I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring before that. There was one part Lady Eowyn asked Aragorn how old he was. He said he was 87!!!). My mom is turning 50 years old this year. She has lived quite a long age already...and I realized that she won't be here forever. The fact that we, human, averagely won't last longer than 100 years saddened me a bit. It may seem a long time...a hundred years...but compared to the ancient age of this world and the things living in it, we are but a speck of dust...a character appearing for 10 seconds in a 3-hour grand play...a passing generation.

What am I to do, then, with each passing minute? A lot of times, I feel very small and inadequate when pondering this question. Such demanding needs in this globe. But I learned that if I try to see the whole world with my own eyes, I see nothing but a big screen with blurry scenes flashing in and out. Very confusing. Extremely unclear. However, if I try to see the world in a smaller scale at first, like my family, colleagues, friends or neighbors, it doesn't seem too big to ignore anymore. When I make world my personal concern, I know what to do. :)

So here comes my 2nd year of journey in Chiang-Mai. A few people have asked me how long I'm going to stay here. The answer is - I don't know. I'm awaiting my Captain's command but for now I'm stationed here. And I'll do anything to serve the purposes I'm set out to do. Here's a quote from Sam Gamgee that I find really enlightening and relevant to my reflection:

Sam: It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.

A year has definitely passed...but there will be many more years to come. What are we holding onto? What do we do with what we have? It's yours to answer. Happy my 1st anniversary! :)

Cheers,

Protective Love

Everyone knows how clumsy I am. Not a year gone by without me being injured. Some years are just mild injuries…not so much more than scratches or bruises but some years are just brutal with me falling head long from an ATV bike onto tumbling rocky trail or plunging my leg into a gutter leaving me with hopeless scratchy bruises or running my thigh into a thick nail in the wall causing me to endure 30+ stitches. My family has to always be prepared for me coming home crying with bandages and tending to my very needs while I’m sick or unable to move.

I’m sure everyone has more than one side of personality including me. You may see me as a respecting and sometimes intimidated child but another side of me is stubbornness and tendency to be disobedient. And because of the latter quality of mine, I’ve been experiencing a lot of regretful pain physically and mentally.

One afternoon last week, I talked to my mom on the phone concerning my middle sister, Mai. She said that she didn’t get to sleep much last night because Mai was crying all night long because of her thumb pain. What happened was she was getting out of her friend’s car. While she was closing the door, she wasn’t minding her fingers (it was probably VERY late because she worked the night shift and she was way too exhausted) that the door kinda snapped shut and her thumb was stuck tight in it. Praise God, her friend didn’t shoot off right away or else she would’ve lost her thumb. I wouldn’t be able to bear such a thought.

My heart was suddenly at my toes. This feeling doesn’t come very often, and when it does, it’s so powerful that it shocks me – when my heart is all melted with compassion, sympathy, concern, shock and pain. When my sister is hurt, I’m hurt. When she’s in pain, I, too, am in pain. I wish it was me being there instead of her. Although I knew it would be excruciating, I wouldn’t mind bearing it if my loved ones were safe. I think mothers go through this everyday. Their hearts break when their kids come running into their arms fumbling through words in tears, retelling them of how they were bullied at school or how their teachers scolded them. I think those mothers would want to jump out and set things straight for their children. But sometimes we can’t do that. As much as we want to protect our loved ones, pain is a part of our human life, unavoidable.

Since the fall of human, there were many parts in history God scolded His beloved sons and daughters due to their stubbornness and disobedience. God, the Father, put up so much with these Israelites because their ways of living were leading them to destruction and death. Mom does the same thing. “Don’t go play after dark!” “You aren’t allowed to play outside tonight. Did you finish your homework?” “It’s your life. Make your own choice…wisely please. I can’t do decide for you but I wish you’d rather not do it.” Always, I did what mom told me not to. Always, I came home with marks on my face, scrapes on my knees, bruises on my legs. Always, mom was there to bandage me up and speak soothing words. Stubbornness and disobedience lead to destruction and death. Yet the Father, with His unfailing love and compassion, puts up with us everyday with patience and lovingkindness.

There were also many other times He allowed His people to go through pain as a process of cleansing and purifying. When I look at mom, I see my God staring straight into my eyes. Once I made a choice, mom respected it be it wise or foolish. Sometimes those decisions were utterly stupid, and she knew it would cause me a great deal of pain. Still, she allowed it. Do you think mom was done with me? Do you think her heart made of stone? Do you think she didn’t cry when I was mourning over my mistake or broken relationship? Of course not! But those things happened so I would learn that I wasn’t the only right one, that my pride would be turned into meekness. God isn’t standing afar off and laughing at our failures or pain. He respects our decision and waits patiently for us to return to Him again. Sometimes intervening right in the middle of our mess means disrupting trust and liberty.

I wonder what He feels when His children are suffering. Is it the same kind of feeling I have for my sister? The feeling of wanting to protect and to save her from evil things. Is that why He decided to come down and bear the pain for us when He could no longer watch from the side? That He would rather carry the weight of pain on His shoulders than to see us crying ourselves to sleep every night? Our pain is His.

His mercy is for all. His compassion fails not. His understanding is beyond the knowledge of this world. So He waits…patiently…lovingly…for His children to run into His arms. He sheds tears when we cry. He is in agony when we suffer. Yet He respects us. We can run to the end of the world, yet He will be there ready to protect us when we are in danger and scoop us up into His arms when we fall. What do we do with our loving Father? Are we rejecting Him? Are we causing Him unnecessary pain when all He offers is love and protection?

Another reason we're here

What are we doing? Why are we here? In which purpose of life are we fulfilling? Many different people hope for various different things. We do whatever we can to reach that goal. We lean forward, move ahead and push anything or anyone aside if they're on our way.

Why are we battling? Why are we sneering at one another, trying to stab each other in the back? Why can't we live in harmony, in love and in peace? Do we ever hear one another? Our earphones in place, every move before our eyes is just another silly show. There's nothing to make sense of. There's no one we should care about.

When flooded with anger or guilt, we try to drown it in loud music, liquor bottles, beating, being selfish. What does another human being matter to us anyway? We've got too much of our own lives to care for already? Why should we care?

It's all about questions. And after I read the passage below from Ecclesiastes 1, I wondered what would be the point of living since everything is...

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."
3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north;
round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Where's hope if everything we see is meaningless?

We, human, see ourselves from such narrow perspective, the visible, the only things eyes can see. Problems rise each day within our household: crying baby, broken relationship, drug-addicted kids, unfaithful spouse. Issues go unsolved among nations: terrorism, poverty, corruption, global warming. Everything is all about "us". Life is so messy. We are so busy with these things we forget to focus on the invisible, the unseen.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says, " So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

I used to climb up a hill around 5 in the evening. When I stood there on the hill top and looked down, I felt like a conqueror of this world. I saw the vast horizon of blue sky streaked with sunset shimmering gold. I also saw narrow branches of rivers expanding its way out into the endless ocean. I glimpsed a perspective of eternity there, and all of my worries and issues seemed to vanish away. They all became "small potatoes". The sun still rises on the east and sets in the west even though there was another bombing blast in the south of Thailand or another newborn baby starved to death in Africa. Sometimes the world seems unkind and unmerciful but it has never lied to us.

Have you ever stopped long enough to hear the message of love from the world and its Creator? Before you go to bed, have you ever paused to breathe in the night air, listen to the rustling of the wind and humming the song of silence when every soul is sleeping? A lot of times we do what we do unconsciously, and we are becoming more like a robot.

Perhaps we should close our eyes for a second and imagine ourselves as blind, deaf and crippled. Perhaps by doing that, we'll realize why we, all of us human, have to live in this world TOGETHER.

"And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." 1 Corinthians 12:26

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

"Without love, you lose." a quote from "Fan Fan la Tulipe"

I hope you find the answer - why on earth are you here for today? I can't speak for everyone but I now know for myself why I'm here for..and I hope you will.

Frustration

Frustrated, tears brimming my eyes
Head throbbing, thoughts buzzing in my head
Trying to muster all the strength
Focusing my mind on what is pleasant

But dark thought came like a hovering shadow
Like heavy clouds rolling in on a rainy day
Unpromising, all too ready to drench and soak
With the outpouring drops of hatred

What am I? Why am I here?
Gazing around, taking the sights in:
People walking in big strides
Smile splashing out on their faces

Have they any care of the world?
Do they know someone's starving?
Do they see someone's injured?
Do they realize someone's dying?

Then there's another kind -
These people inch with shoulders slump
Eyes cast down, cheeks sunken, fingers knotted
Hopeless. Lost. Despair.

Asking myself what kind of person I am
And I couldn't pick which one I'd wanna be
I don't wanna be Herod
But I don't wanna be a beggar

Questions go unanswered
What am I supposed to do?
Don't offer me mercy
And please don't mock me as well

I started on this quest
And I'll be the one to see it to the end
But please be by my side
Let me know that you're here

I'm not what you think I am
I'm not that courageous
I'm not that compassionate
I'm not that smart

I'm just a stubborn girl
Seeking to please the will of her Love
It may be foolish
It may seem pointless

But you know I try....
So don't leave my side
Bring back my life's ecstasy
Burn me with Your fire of passion again

Love

I wonder if you ever are at a loss of words, and in awe when you look at God’s works in your life. I mean…it’s incredible that I’ve been away from home for almost a year now, 11 months to be exact. I had no idea what my life was going to be like when I set out for this journey. It’s been surprise after surprise. When looking back, not even one moment is to be regretted, even the worst ones. God uses every single opportunity to mature me. I feel like I’m such an old lady now thinking how many storms I’ve been through just in a year. I remember having a honeymoon feast during my first few months here and I also remember being drowned in the sea of remorse, sorrow and hopeless depression. I thought I wouldn’t even pull through, that I would simply sink into the bottom of it all and wouldn’t even rise again. But God’s mercy….oh, His goodness and mercy nourish me and bring back my life.

I’d gone through a biggest storm yet these past couple of months. There were a lot of feelings and attitudes in those days: uselessness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-loathsome, doubts, depression and emptiness. I was wondering if this storm would stop tearing me down when slowly a light of dawn radiated through the darkened sky. After that, a revelation after another surfaces and brings clear understanding to my confused mind.

Love is among those revelations. The song “Jesus loves me” I’m listening to now takes on a new perspective tonight. I’m being brought back to many moments in the past that reveal so much of His love in my life…even the broken relationship with my ex-boyfriend or my dad’s sudden death. Without those things in the past, I wouldn’t be who I am…here…today. I’m humbled to realize that I am truly and passionately loved. My dear friend told me in his last e-mail that I am loved but it was impossible to feel so in those rainy days. Now it’s like…the sun rises in my heart again. I don’t need to try to find facts, proofs or evidence to justify Jesus’ love; nor do I have to force myself to be happy because…I truly am. It’s amazing to be God’s beloved.

“His love is the essence of who He is, which enables us to love Him in return. When we know His love, we don’t need explanations” – A quote from a book called “British Columbia”. It is love that makes the world revolves around itself and orbits the sun. It is love, which is originated from God that sacredly holds to its true meaning. Jesus loves us violently from head to toe. It’s incredible to comprehend such love. It is already powerful enough for a man to love another woman…but to imagine a “person” loves the whole world, which at present has about 6.781,000,000 or more people, not including the older generations that passed away and the ones that are to come. How much love can it be gushed out of a person if he isn’t the source of love himself?

So willing and ready to love is Jesus. Yet what He has received is nowhere near happiness. Pain we bring Him by our rejections and pride. But Jesus’ love teaches me another lesson – that love isn’t an accomplishment of a task…to win someone’s heart by verbal persuasion. It is a quiet joy to extend the exuberant affection and good will to another being despite their fallen nature. In another word, love is sufficient in itself. My question is “are we willing to experience the most arduous pleasure of loving by risking our lives in the others and allowing others to risk in ours when love is already there? Are we ready to give and receive this love, of which its foundation traces back to the existence of the very first Person to teach us what it truly means to love?

I was reading in Romans 1 the other day. Paul stated in verse 14 that he is “a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise”. Then he declared in verse 15 that he is “ready to preach the gospel to you who are in Rome also”. It was a puzzle to me how on earth Paul could be indebted to those people. But a tint of glowing light dawned on the hazy me – because of God’s love for him, he was indebted to Him for the sake of the Gospel. People who are still trapped in the line of Adam are awaiting to hear of God’s love in their lives. Surely, if we reason among ourselves, we owe these folks nothing (unless you borrow their money ;) ) BUT we owe their precious souls to God.

Recently, my heart has been burdened with vulnerable people. It’s another revelation I received. My goal in life is to become a full-time missionary but I’ve never known what kind of work I’d like to be involved. This past Tuesday, while I was driving in the mountains with a team, my heart was roused when I thought of taking care of people in need; those who are abandoned, left out…those who are on the edge of society…those who are ignored and overlooked. I think of Mother Teresa and her sacrificial love but I’m not sure if I have that much of qualities like she does. The thought of sick and dying people still scare me. The smell of medicine and the hovering presence of death are still haunting me from time to time. Could I become a nurse? Talking about stuttering Moses, unimportant, shy David, bullying and persecuting Saul and uneducated disciples! That looks, to me, far from any possibility of becoming real.

However, the next thought rolled in and halted my difficult breathing from shock, for it seems there’s more potential than the former thought – writing. I was reading a novel when it slowly appeared to me that the author of this novel had wrote this long time ago…yet the book presently conveys the heart of its message to me so distinctly in the 19th century. It encourages me to keep walking and trusting God. Though she’s probably dead by now, she left me, a younger generation, a legacy. And I hope I could do exactly just like that. After all, one is barely recognized after death anyway. Why don’t leave something worth remembering…something that would bring encouragement or a change to someone’s life?

Love doesn’t probably mean doing “good” things only but doing something “radically” and “differently”. Love gives us power to perform an act that can shock the bewildered world. Love humbles us to go an extra mile. Love breaks the wall of selfishness and allows us to think of others first. Love sustains us with courage to have mercy on those who hate us. Love rebukes evils. Love does not compromise. It is fierce and strong-willed when it comes to protecting its lovers. Love prevails.

Love, such a short word but is so powerful that one’s life cannot be the same when encounters with love. I am not the same since the day I received Love into my life. Yea, the fighting will continue since I’m still living in the flesh but…

“Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me He who died. Heaven’s gates are open wide.
He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so.

For God so loves the world that He gave His only Son.
Jesus loves me. He loves me…this I know.”

Beloved of God, remember always that nothing can separate us from the love of God. You are loved. That’s the fact. Though you may try to reject Him or explain Him away with your logics, His love remains the same…always.

Looking Through the Veil

I had an opportunity to travel to Chiang-Rai and step my feet into the soil of Burma this past week with a group of Indians. Things could never be more interesting.

In my whole life, the closest contact I've had with Indian is the movie "Slumdog Millionaire". India and its culture seem very vague to me. Though I heard of people going to India, watched a bit of their "run-across-the-mountains" videos, had some Indian food, I never got to interact to one. So living with a group of 6 authentic Indians for 3 days this past week was beyond my expectation and wild imagination.

Indians have very distinct features. Their thick black hair, smooth dark skin, deep penetrating brown eyes, arched brows, full lips and robust frame make them stand out so much in the midst of Thais.

Their lives are closely entwined with their culture. Women still wear their traditional dress anywhere they go. Men grow beard and mustache. They use hands instead of spoon and fork for eating.

I don't know why I'm ranting about this. After saying goodbye to them, I was still haunted by their faces, their thick accent, their strong scent and their sorrowful eyes. These people come from well-off families and have respectable status in society but in their eyes hidden something beyond my reach...something unpleasant that their country has gone through since the past.

The lesson I learned 2 weeks ago from David's life - "For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" became a real experience when I encountered with these people. I think the world offers us a standard of beauty; and we are often lured into judging ourselves and people around us by looking up to this standard. Often enough, the outward appearances blind our eyes to see the real treasure in a soul of a human being. Even I myself.

People can be loud, demanding, rude when they are in need but behind that wall of "look" and "manner" lie the unmistakably perfect masterpiece of the Creator - a human being with thoughts and feelings.

It's one of the greatest challenges for me as my role in life right now is equivalent to a tour guide - to see people from their heart not their look. Sometimes I see people as insignificant, a sea of faces, I could say. Or some other times they are just numbers, like children in Compassion or world population.

Each and everyone of us is uniquely different. If we open our eyes wide enough and look closely, we may see something different in the faces we never paid attention to before....something through the veil.

April Journeys

“Only one life to assume to pass,
Only what’s alone for Christ will last.” – John Piper

Last Sunday, while I was basking in the afternoon sun on a porch, watching people flashing by and sipping a glass of iced-cocoa, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Have I been here, in Chiang-Mai for almost a year now? Is this FOR REAL?” I don’t know why, but once I stepped past age 23, time seems to zoom by. I barely walked away from the New Year’s firework that a splash of water from Song Kran Festival soaked me to the skin.

This chapter of life has been colorful. There have been moments of fun yellow, somber navy blue, contemplating green, confusing smoky gray, angry fiery red, calm sky blue, lonely black and pure white. Only last week, I had the moment of gray – confusion and not understanding.


I learned of a disturbing fact in this revolving planet, the lesson I MUST stick it in my head always – there are many who don’t believe in Jesus, and worse they’re trying to explain Him away and disclaim His truth. It is understandable that non-believers may have a misconception of who Jesus is but never have I imagined an address to Him as a “fantasy figure” nor to the Gospel “a bedtime story”. These names are not from any famous novels or sorts of treatise but from a person whom I’ve made acquaintance with. My first reaction was shock. Other serial affected reactions were of being attacked, insulted, angry, vulnerable and unsure. The fact that one can get so far away from the truth and so resistant is totally disturbing, but the fact that I’ve allowed myself to step into the cloud of gray and become doubtful in the truth is even more startling. I’ve discarded Paul’s caution, “to think and dwell only upon that which is good and of good report” and almost embraced the “one-man-show” survival fact of the world – that there is no God, no comfort from the Bible, nothing but me…painful..alone…but real. Is that true?

I was dangerously standing on the verge of the cliff. But I’m thankful that at the moment I was going to fall, there were people who care deeply about me pulled me back. Because of this situation, it highlighted how a Christian cannot walk alone AT ALL. It’s severely critical that one should be accountable with someone and have a group of family members or friends constantly pray for him…or else…he could easily fall.

Anyway, I’ve found that wherever I am, no matter it is North of South, summer in Thailand is brutal…as the same…or even more. I heard that Bangkok reached 40C (104F) yesterday (April 23). No wonder why we sweat like crazy. And I am in Chiang-Mai, the northern part of Thailand! Talk about Global Warming! I’ve been raised and growing up in this tropical country for my whole life but I have never got used to its heat especially in April, the hottest month of all. That’s why Songkran Festival is such a treat for all of us. What could be better than splashing water and getting cooled off! Sadly, I didn’t get to join the fun this year at all since I was traveling most of the time. Well, it was cool enough to watch other people having fun. Chiang-Mai celebrated Songkran wayyyy early. Normally, it’s 13-15 but they started from the 10th and went on until the 16th, that was a whole week of madness and funness.

There are a few highlights I’d like to talk about. First is about finding a church. Since January, I was on a quest looking for a new church as the former congregation I went to didn’t have a group of people in my age. Reluctantly, I have to admit that I’m still looking for it. However, it’s been an invaluable experience of being in different congregations. It’s amazing how one belief can extend its branches into various denominations and groups and have such diverse ways of worshipping. I used to be self-pitiful when I thought about my wandering but I’ve come to appreciate it, at least for a certain moment, because through this I’m able to meet with new people who are so passionate about God, and I’ve become less judging as I try to understand and see things through His eyes. God has worked this process in my life so that I won’t be wearing the crown of Nonthaburi Baptist Church or Newsong Bangkok over my head. After a while, I just don’t care much if this church is Baptist or Pentecostal, for we all worship one God – that is Christ Jesus. I think our Lord is a very creative Person, and He wouldn’t pick only one color because it’d be a little too boring for Him.

Yet, I can’t deny that deep down in my heart I still long for a family of my own as well – a bunch of people who I will look forward to seeing every week, whom I will serve and learn the words of God with…these people I will laugh and cry together during the sunny and stormy days. I yearn for that…more than anything else. And I will have to keep praying and believing that this isn’t beyond what God can do for me.

Second is about God’s divine contact. As in Acts 8, how God used Philip to preach Christ to an Ethiopian, He used Ruth L. and the Miyakawas, who I recently got to meet, to minister to me. I met Ruth randomly at a coffee shop near my place. Ruth is a lady from the US who’s now teaching at a university in China. I was reading and she was using internet. I don’t quite remember how the conversation started but we ended up talking for a whole hour about God! It was exciting for me because I didn’t imagine I’d find myself in a conversation with a stranger, whom I realized later a Christian. We talked about our families, jobs, lives, God, struggles. She was telling me how Christ and Christianity are still taboo topics there. After reading the Heavenly Man from Brother Yun’s life, I totally understood what she meant. It was a refreshing time for me to have someone to talk to, to have a deep conversation, not only a small chitchat.

Then a couple of days later, while I was walking down to Starbucks at Tha-Pae gate, a tall boy handed me a tract with sentences like “Let me know what we can pray for you, or how we can help you by e-mailing us at this address”. I walked into Starbucks, ordered a cup of coffee feeling a bit puzzled and thrilled. It was the first day of Songkran celebration, so people were going crazy both inside and outside. While waiting for my order, I looked out and saw a bunch of youngsters sitting with the kind of tracts I received in my hand. So I walked over to them and asked one of the girls, Kristen, what is this all about. I asked in such a manner that I thought it’d appear rude if I wasn’t so desperate to know at that time. Anyway, she told me that it was a mission her fellows from Grace International School to hand out 15,000+ tracts out in 24 hours (I hope I got the number right). It was one of their outreach ministries. Well, I e-mailed them and went on a trip. The next week I came back, I got an e-mail from her dad asking if we could all get together for lunch. So I did. We went to this delicious Mexican restaurant close to Tha-Pae gate (Geez…I can’t remember its name but if you like Mexican and come visit me in Chiang-Mai, I’ll take you there). Anyway, last Sunday I went to their church called “The Gathering”, which simply is full of missionaries. What I liked the most was the sermon. I jotted this down on my little piece of paper, “Ultimately, God calls us to follow a Person (Jesus), neither a place nor position.” Even though the destination and things we will do are unclear, when Jesus calls, we should obey. The pastor said, “When you hear God speak, what you do NEXT says what you really believe”.

Third is about my job. Let me ask you first, have you been so bored at work? If yes, here’s the next question, what do you do when you’re bored? I’m genuinely curious about that because sometimes this moment hits, and I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to do. Here’s what I wrote in my journal last night about my challenge at work:

“I’ve come across another challenge in my job – the feeling of unimportance. There are lies in my mind saying that people will do find here without me, and I still can’t help but believing that though I know it’s not true!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is required of me. There are some expectations from the organization and the staff but what is the ultimate requirement? I think it’s ‘obeying God’. Charles S. Swindoll says,’…Stop trying to be the tops in your fields. Be an excellent whatever.’ That means if my job is to sweep the floor, then I’ll do my very best to make it clean and spotless. If my job is to make a bulletin board, then I’ll do it with my utmost creativity and ability. Whatever job it is, though it may look insignificant, it’s in the heart of a doer that God looks at…and that’s what matters.

I’ve had thought of giving up this position. I’ve thought of moving back to Bangkok. I’ve somehow loathed the society here because a newcomer like me doesn’t always feel welcomed. I hate that I have to struggle and strive alone. I hate the fact that the community at GES, like GES, can’t be found here…that it’s too idealistic…at least for me.

Yet I CANNOT give up. Every time these thoughts came to my mind, the Lord tells me to STICK WITH this plan no matter what the cost is…simply because this is His will…and because many children are being blessed by what I, we Compassion, do. That’s the pure solid reason I’m here. And I know that God is already pleased with that.”

Sometimes we tend to value ourselves by what we do or how we are needed but I’ve learned recently that it’s not the main point. Our value is in Christ Jesus and what we are accomplishing for His kingdom. Not that He doesn’t give me choices of leaving, of course He does, yet when you know what is best for you, won’t you grasp for it? Will you let it go?

It all comes back to my theme of life – a quest. I put a quote from John Piper’s sermon “Don’t waste your life” because it’s a great reminder for me that my life here is for Christ. And until I stand before His beautiful face, until then, I want to become a “good and faithful servant” of His. Paul says, “To live is Christ and to die is gain” – that’s a classic provocative challenge to me.

Where all the stories begin

Jesus, who are You that can give the blind sight?
Who are You that can bring the dead back to life?
Who are You that can feed the five thousand?
Oh, Jesus, Who are You that even the demons are scared?

You are Son of the Most High
The Light in the dark
The Hope for the lost
Jesus, it is You

You are the Author and Perfector of my faith
The Beginning and the End
The Prophet who always lives
Jesus, it is You

Why care for this small grain
When You are the great I AM?
Why love when all I do
Is to bring You pain?
Oh, Jesus...because it is You.

I wrote this a long while ago. It was during the New Year holiday, and I was with my church fellows doing some mission work up in the North. The sun just came up, and I was sitting in my quiet zone inside a generous man's house from a Mien village who allowed us to intrude into every corner of his house (except his bedroom, of course!). Things were stirring to life again after a dead silence at night: the echoing noise of cocks crowing, dogs barking, women chatting softly over a huge pot of hot porridge, men greetings each other around the fire and children poking their faces inside the gate to see if we were all up.

The religious system of the village holds on to its tradition - animism. These tribal people initially immigrated from China, and had settled down in some of Thailand's northern provinces, including Naan. I had an opportunity to sit down and chat with an old man one evening. Watching the excitement of the community, he was sitting on a wooden stool, hands carrying an ancient parchment in his hands. As he gingerly turned to the next page, I could feel the crispness of those yellow pages. I inclined my head to have a closer look of what he was reading, afraid to ask if I could hold it unless the manuscript would be torn in pieces had it been in my clumsy hands.

Couldn't decide what it was, I asked, "Uncle, what is it you're reading?" With his broken thai, he said, "It's my bible, young lady". Ever more curious, I wondered aloud, "What does it talk about then?" His reply was, "Our own practices and regulations like what we need to prepare for a sacrifice...something like that." I could sense his pride as he spoke about his religion. And it was no wonder that he's one of those religious men in the village.

It was an interesting experience for me. I asked him so many words in his tongue after that. Then I came across the word "God"....and that's when he gave me a questioning stare. I thought he didn't understand my thai so I explained to him as someone who created the earth, the sky, the trees and other living things. Smiling now, he told me of this word that would mean "God" in his own understanding. Later on, I tried to use this word (I'll have to go back and search for this paper I wrote all the Mien words I learned again) with a Christian Mien...and they gave me a blank stare. One girl said that the word I learned didn't refer to our sovereign God but some spirits in their religion. Then it struck me...these people have no idea who the Lord is. They don't have any clue what this word would be in their vocabulary system...only Christians, who are a minority in the community know what it is.

Lately, my heart has been so broken for the world. And I'm not speaking in a lightly manner. This past week I had an experience of falling to my knees and crying heavily for what has been happening on earth. My soul was being tortured by the sufferings of people. My heart is heavy-laden for those who are lost in the whirlpool of materialism and so-called short life. Yet one dark voice raised, "What can a person like you, wretched sinner, do? How dare you think you can change a person's world, let alone the whole planet?" I couldn't help but give way tremblingly to the voice but the light of truth seeped in. Hadn't God commanded us to "preach good news to the poor, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness of the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." (Isa. 61:1-3)

A lot of times I feel like I am a tiny ant watching all giants of this world wandering about. And in those times, the dark voice keeps haunting me as a faithful company. But I learned and knew better than that. Wasn't it Jesus who began the march to calvary once the crunching on the fruit echoed in the garden of Eden? Wasn't it Him who, through history, laid a foundational plan of salvation through weak and humble people who later became "the heroes of faith"? Wasn't it Him who endured the plight in that torturous night so that all our sins shall be washed away in that scarlet blood and we be cleansed as white as snow? Wasn't it the Father who miraculously rolled away the stone and raised His only begotten Son for the sake of humankind's hope? And wasn't it Jesus, our Savior, who said, "Go and make disciples of all nations,..."?

Hence, after realizing, the passion God's given me earlier burns ever more violently within me. Impossible task to change the whole universe, of course. But wasn't it Jesus again who said that the kingdom of God is within you and me? Why not start right here, within ourselves, where all the stories begin, with faith, fervent prayer and love?

"It is no longer I who live,

But it is Christ who lives in me." Galations 2:19

Little by little we are changed by this daily crucifixion of the will.

Changed, not like a tornado changes things,

but like a grain of sand in an oyster changes things.

New graces emerge; new joy at the success of others,

new hope in a God who is good...

God is not destroying the will but transforming it

so that over a process of time and experience we can freely will what God wills

-Richard Foster

Soul surrender

"Lord, although I long to be in heaven with you, please do not take me away from this world yet. My life hasn't yet been complete. I won't be complete without my husband."

It's one big dream for most of the girls - to be married, to deeply love someone and be loved as equally in return. It's one of mine as well. Only recently did I start to doubt if God would ever answer my prayer on this matter. Year after year, I waited and asked persistently but no answer came. Does God even hear my cry?

When I was younger, I thought like a child..but as I'm turning 25, I see it more with a mature eye. This isn't a sensitive girl's daydream but a battle to be fought with fierce strong will.

Paul said, "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinth. 7:8-9) When I read this passage, such mixed emotions came across my mind..."how could Paul suggest such thing?!"...then, more reluctantly, "would this be God's answer to my prayer?" '~' I was in shock.

Slowly, a pale light began to seep through - the priceless jewel in a relationship with God isn't about what I get but what I become. When I ask Him for something, I approach Him like a stubborn child...asking blatantly, banging His chest, throwing myself on the floor, crying or shaking fists at His face. But a determined Father who knows better would not yield to His daughter's will, not yet anyway. In His book "Prayer" Philip Yancey said, "The real value of persistent prayer is not so much that we get what we want as that we become the person we should be."

God wants all of me...my life, my heart, my soul, my desire and my love "for in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are COMPLETE in Him, who is the head of all principality and power." (Col. 2:9-10) I think what He's challenging me at the moment is, "Would I be willing to drop EVERYTHING including my desire to be married to follow Him if He called me so?" And with tears rolling down on my face, a heavy sob in my chest, teeth gritting, I will have to say, "Yes, Lord. You've got my all."

When our whole being is ALL for Him, everything ELSE is a gift, including a husband as well. Instead of painstakingly searching for "somebody", it's best to patiently and lovingly wait on the One whose love redeems all the longing souls and whose beauty captivates all hearts in the world. I'm departing from the grip of the flesh and returning into the embrace of the everlasting.

"Jesus, take me into Your arms. I've found it at last - the gift of waiting on You. Father, I'm back into Your loving arms again. I'm ready now for whatever You'll use me for. I believe that one day You'll take my hand and bring me to the love I've been waiting for. But for this time and for the rest of my life, I'm content to be with You."

Christmas rant

It's another cold night in December. And Christmas is just around the corner. Usually, I would be so busy that I would have no time to sit down and write this note if I were in Bangkok. My lifestyle has changed since I moved up to work in Chiang-Mai. I've got more time to be with myself and do things whenever I want and whatever I want without having anyone to check on me. Maybe it's a little too much.

Each Christmas, there is always different message from God to me. Normally, it's all about joyous feelings...celebration, you know, with family and friends...sitting around a table laden with yummy food and dessert...soaking in the beauty of the lights and decorations...listening to Christmas songs...laughing...playing games...opening up presents. Good times.

This year, well, the story is a little different. I am 870 kilometers away from the ones I love. I've got all my time and resources to do fun things but without family and friends...it hardly means anything. I am not anywhere near being happy since there're things to think through and struggles to fight with. Loneliness is my faithful company, and I hardly feel lonely anymore.

Sounds bitter and resentful, hey? I know.

That's one new thing I've been learning this past while - that Christmas includes EVERYONE. And if you read another of my "rant" below, you might catch a bit of glimpse of what I'm trying to say, who I am and how I feel right now. I know that there's nothing worth in me to persuade you to read this. Why would you wanna read something from a depressed person anyway? But if you don't have anything to do, and don't mind this writing, then I hope that the message would give you something to think about...

Merry Christ-mass

"A drug-addicted 24-year-old girl crouching in a dark corner of the room, alone...unnoticed…
A fragile 8-year-old boy fighting with his last breath in a hospital, miserable...hopeless…
A lonely 75-year-old lady with her cane in an elders home, abandoned...unimportant…

Christmas – what does it mean?
Loved ones? Delicious meal and dessert? Lights and presents?
What if these people don’t have one? What if they can’t afford it?
Will Christmas mean anything to them?

Thinking of those who are shivering out there in the cold…
Thinking of those who are alone…
If Christmas is about what’s listed above…
It would be just another day on calendar…

Take a minute to ponder what Christmas means to you…
Jesus was born in a stable, cold and dark…
He was acquainted with sorrow and homeless most of the time…
Jesus isn’t only here for the rich and happy BUT also for the poor and brokenhearted…

While we celebrate,
Let us remember the lowliness of the manger and the humiliation of the cross –
The sacrifice that brings peace and joy."

Mink

"Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised,
and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:1-5

A psalm to the Creator

Heart shatteringly broken. Tears streaking from my eyes.
Hopeless and lost in the wilderness of pain.
Can anyone hear me? The little voice in the wind.

Gasping for breath. Choking for air.
Helpless and dying in the desert of despair.
Can anyone see me? The small grain in the sand.

Oh Lord, why I see nothing when I lift my eyes to the hills?
Why the vast unknown and darkness shadow over me?
Why so when Your promise says that’s where my help comes from?

Mighty God. Beautiful Savior.
Hope for sinners. Throw Your arms open wide.
Glorious King. Loving Father.
Wonderful Author. Hear my cry.

Though the sky darkens and the world may fall;
Though I lose my sight and have no will to keep on;
I will run to You for I know Your love endures
No condemnation from the One, the Living God

Though the sea dries up and the mountains crumble;
Though I may be found alone with tears overflow;
I will sing praise to You, I will rejoice in You
For You are good and You are God.