Market Trip

This morning I had an opportunity to go shopping at the market with my mom for the first time since last two years. I am not fully awake right now since I went to sleep around 2 o'clock last night and had to get up at 6; but I feel the urge to write this note.

We took a Song Taew truck to Nonthaburi market, the busiest place I have ever seen in the morning like that. Vendors after vendors, shops after shops were opening to welcome their customers. People, mostly in their PJs, were swarming in and out to run their early errands. Sellers' bellowing voices trying to get attention from shopppers, street dogs wandering..sniffing for left-over food, buyers hurriedly rush from one aisle to the other to get what they need and Thai Buddhists kneeling down...receiving blessing from a simple looking monk really made me overwhelmed. I have never been good in being in such a crowded, busy place with loud noise like this anyway, so it could probably have been another overwhelming trip. But the truth is...I kinda felt a little different this time.

While I was waiting around for my mom, a group of people caught my attention. A group of five ladies bowing down their heads, kneeling down on the stenched wet dirty floor, holding their hands in a wai form in front of a young monk with such stone, straight, emotionless face made me planted where I was standing.

These folks were joyless! They were hopelessly looking for ways to heaven, trying in vain to do good things...to earn merits...while knowing too well that it may not be the right path. The scene captivated my soul, and my heart was being squeezed so tightly that I thought I was going to collapse. It looks to me that the monk was the only brightest hope they could ever find...and try to cling to... before they started their days living in sins. How depressing that would be when you are not even sure of your salvation? "Do good things, girl, and you will go to heaven."...that's something I had been told since I was a little child. Everything is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Oh! My ultimate desire is to see my countrymen repent and receive Salvation. My dream is to be Jesus' hand to help the poor and the orphans in this place, the country that has been called, "the Land of Freedom". I want to see Thailand being the chosen nation. But I am so little. I am not much. Yet I really want to help. The spiritual warfare is marching on, but I am still stuck with sins. "Lord, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Deliver me from sins. Arm me with Your armor. And make me selfless, Lord Jesus. I am Your clay."

Freedom

While everything on GES campus seems to fall into the rhythm of peacefulness and quietness, the limbs of my soul are struggling to waddle out of the void of turmoil. Restlessness daily comes knocking on my door. And all i could do has been to welcome it with unwillingness.

Restless to follow God's call eventhough being clueless what it is.
Restless to begin the new journey eventhough the road looks so dark.
Restless to take the adventure with the One eventhough it may be dangerous.
Restless to be free from this worldly cage.

I was watching a movie called, "the Ultimate Gift" the other night. It is about the value of gifts that one can find. One phrase that completely blew me away was, "free to dream". Somewhere along the way, it seems like I have lost my dream. I have dropped it for a while. Then it came to me...Jesus came all the way from heaven to earth to SET US FREE, to give us FREEDOM. It is hard for my limitedness to totally understand the whole concept of freedom; but after all these years I have had with Him, I know that to be free in Him is to wholeheartedly and tremblingly rely on the Redeemer. Oh-yes, I don't even want to believe what I just wrote, yet the truth remains.

Often I have heard people ask, "If God is really almighty and sovereign, why didn't He stop Eve from sinning?" And the answer would be, "Well, because God didn't make us a robot. We were fearfully and beautifully made according to His image. He put mind and spirit into us. And He gives us choices. He gives us freedom so that we may glorify Him through this freedom." And I agree. A lot of people, and even I myself, sometimes try to put aside God and venture on our own. Eventually, I always find myself sitting on the floor helplessly, tears streaming down like waterfall and crying out to Jesus for help.

"I will walk about in freedom for I have sought out your precepts.", said David. There is freedom in Jesus. Be free to dance, free to sing, free to shout, free to think and free to dream. There's this phrase, "Nothing is free in this world", but I'm sure there is when you are in Him.

Mink

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:20-21

Krabi: retreat, refresh and renew

Okay...last night (Sat.) I was working on writing this note about my Krabi adventure. And I was half way when all of a sudden the electricity went out! So...now...i'm typing it all over again.Right now it's 9:35 on Sunday morning. Everything in the resort is quiet and still. There're not many noise around here...only the starting engine of a truck, the buzzing noise of some bugs and the barking of 4 puddle dogs here. Where we're staying is called "Jungle Village" and it's 2 km away from Ao Nang city. We pay 750 baht a night but we are treated like a royal family. We have our own driver who takes us anywhere any time. We have hot shower, a fridge, a cable tv (which somehow doesn't have many english channels...but there's Fox news, Matt!) and an air-con in our room. Outside is a well-taken-care-of garden with green field, palm trees and a swimming pool. It is SO private here.

Yesterday we took a long tail boat to the Railey beach and Tub island with a german family. I have to say that i'm wowed! I mean this trip comes as such a blessing! It came to me unexpectedly. It is such a gift from God.Okay...to give you a bit knowledge...this is my first time to Krabi...and it is also my first time flying in a plane!!!!!!!!!! I was excited, happy, nervous and scared all at the same time. When the plane was speeding up and about to soar, i was too overwhelmed with these feelings that i needed to hold both Heidis' hands. But the flight was WONDERFUL. I'd never seen the world i'm living in in this bird-eye view before. Everything magnificently resounds God's glory and I was in awe. Well...to those of you who usually fly may think i'm an idiot...but...as i told you...this is my first time. The sea of the vast blue sky that stretches out all around me, those bushes of puffy white clouds are GORGEOUS. And when i looked below me, everything that is under the sun was like specks of dust to me...everything that usually overshadows me like mighty mountains or even like a house.

How come I could measure God's sovereignty in such a limited, narrow, humanly way? Oh...sinful nature...Before we left to the airport on Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from my friend, Jason Glass. At the end of his letter he gave me this bible verse from Jeremiah saying, "....is anything too hard for God?" And I had time of reflection on the plane, and i was like...seriously NOTHING is too hard for Him but it's our human nature that always doubts and falls.

Anyway, back to Krabi. Yesterday we went to 2 beaches and i have to admit that it's a total different feeling from Hua-Hin or other beaches that i've been before. This is more natural and still untouched by human's hands. The water is clear turquois, the sand is clean and white and the sky just looks like it's supposed to be....broad blue sky w/o any polluted smog simmering over the edge of the heaven's gate. Me and Heidi D. got to hike around the Pra Nang cave...then we took a boat to another island where i pretty much spent time reading, walking in solitude and getting myself dry. Then we came back to our resort, swam in the pool for a short while, took a shower and drove downtown to have dinner. We ended up eating at a thai-european restaurant. I got Tom Yum Kung that is totally like a farung's taste. No offense, guys, but it wasn't like the spicy soup i used to have AT ALL. It was tasty though. While we're sitting, there's this guy from San Diego named Andrew came to us and asked if he could sit with us. And i was like, "oh-oh...what should we do?" But he looked really decent and there was no evil implication in his manner at all. So we sat talking with him for a while. He was here on the Railey beach when Tsunami hit a few years ago...so he came down to make a movie about that.

So that's pretty much what's going on in my life in the most amazing paradise on earth right now. :) We'll be heading back to Nontahburi, our home sweet home, in a few hours from now. I brought work....but guess what....i never touched it. lol

With love,

The Hungry

This month has been dragging and long.

This week has been a whirlpool of exhaustion and busyness.

This day has been somewhat crazy and draining....

but at this moment...i am quietly content with my still-hot garlic chicken with vegetable on steamed rice...my first meal of the day. :)

Sometimes men and women can be unexpectably demanding.

It may cause someone's sacrifice....Someone's life....so that we would be satisfied. Human is so selfish. I am VERY selfish.

It has been too long thinking of what is not yet done, whirling my mind about the future is not yet come...

As of right now, I will set it aside for a little while. I will finish my "authentic" meal, drink some water and go to church prayer meeting. My soul is crying out for the Bread and the Water as well...

Change or not?

I so wish I was better at organizing thoughts. This is maybe my 5th effort in writing this note after typing and erasing. I want to write something but my capability is so limited. My mind is a mess. My thought is whirling about. My heart is racing. And my brain is somewhat tired even though I haven't done anything that much. What is it within that continually bugs me? It causes such confusion...and...depression, the unwanted gift ever.

Apparently, as one of my friends put me this way, I am a 23-year-old girl, who is about to graduate and scared of life in the upcoming real world. Seriously, I am curious if the world I have been living in somewhat is not real. Twenty two years on this earth I have enjoyed all the fun the world has been giving to me. I do exactly the same things as everyone does on one's daily basis. I get up. I shower. I eat. I go to school. I learn. I play with my friends. I watch TV. I sleep. I take special classes. I travel with my family once in a while. Let's talk about feelings. I am pretty much the same as others. I smile and laugh when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I feel melancholy when I encounter loss. I am confused when there are too many choices.

What, then, does make a difference in the world when I am a year older? Will the world change when I graduate? .......................

I guess I have to admit. Yes. I don't think God created us so that He would be able to sit and play with us like a barbie doll. Life is all about changing. From kindergarten, I moved up to primary. Primary to junior-high. Junior-high to highschool. Highschool to college. And college to........what? I haven't figured that one out yet...but good news...I'm about to. :) I think we were created to "live" and "move on" with life even though we feel stuck. Every decision we make, God allows it so that we may learn how to grow more mature, how to deal with circumstances and how to be responsible of the consequences.

Well, guys, I know many of you have already passed this stage...and you might see me as a frantic, worried college girl. You may as well do that. BUT remember...life is all about changing. Today will not be the same as tomorrow. All I have to do is keep it real. I must not be a coward. I must confront it. I must fight with it. I am not only God's daughter but also His warrior. There is no cowardice in the battlefield or else I lose.

Before end, I would like to let those of you who are wondering what I am up to these days that I will be teaching English for G.10B at GES for a while. I don't know for how long yet. I guess until they know how suck I am at teaching. lol No, no..that's a joke. I decided to turn down the position at Shell company because 1) I feel peace about being here even though I personally feel stuck (I thought working far away would somehow make me move on w/ life) 2) I still want to be around those whom I love...especially when my church is really in need of staff 3) I still want to have fun.

So, briefly, I will be teaching at GES for a while and also helping out at the church at the same time. I don't know if I have made a right choice or not, but I already did. And there is no turning back.

The Beautiful Shore

Right now it is Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 10:23 am. Sitting right here in front of one of the staff room's computer...about to type something in very important. Prior to going any further, I would like to inform you, who knows Manna - the 3rd grader at GES and my beloved little girl at church, that her grandma passed away 3 days ago. And this is what I wrote last night after I got back from the funeral.

"July 18, 2007

Today is the 1st night of Mother Chuanpit's funeral. Since last night, me and some other people were preparing things for the funeral. We ended up staying up until 11:00 pm arranging flowers. I didn't quite look forward to this evening that much. Like everyone knows, two of the things I dislike the most and try to avoid are hospital and funeral. Not that I'm scared of them, but they are a constant reminder of my dad's death. They horrify me at some points.

To be honest, the fact that Mother was dead hadn't quite dawned on me just yet during the day. One of the reasons was because I was being kept busy. But around 4 o'clock when there was nothing for me to look forward to, I started to feel something. It's the feeling that gave me a tickle of pinching pain and emptiness. Though I'm not VERY close to her, we talked a lot. Two weeks ago, some of us even visited her at the hospital and prayed for her health. And she looked okay to me.

I've been thinking a lot...about death, life, possession and the meaning to be alive. I mean...it seemed like yesterday that I talked to her. I still remember her wrinkly freckled pale skin, long crooked fingers, kind gentle loving eyes and her gray beautiful hair. I still saw "life" in her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her talk. Her caressing hands. Her heaving chest. And now...not even her soft breath I can hear.

Days are long but life is so short. We don't even know when will be our time. God alone that is counting our days. Thus, it leads me to this simple question, 'What, then, am I to do with this short life and to make the best of it?' Today during the service, we were singing some songs which all talk about how we are here for a short amount of time. Then when our time is over, we'll be standing on the beautiful shore meeting up with the people I love again.I don't know...it's a joy for me knowing that she is with God now. Maybe she is being wrapped around in His arms, receiving compliments from the Holy One...or she might be standing with Him hand in hand looking at us busying about the things that will not last.

I don't know. But i have to admit...it thrills me just thinking about 'the moment' with Him after I died. I want to know how it feels like to be in awe of Him literally, how would God-the One whom I've been in contact with for my whole life- look, what would I do there...So many things I'm extremely curious about. I seriously can't wait to be with Him.

But then...my human sinfulness struck in...'Mink, you still have a whole bunches of things in your life that you haven't done yet...why would you want to die?' The idea of suffering and death overshadows me.

I fear.

I fear of the pain I would suffer when my whole body started to stop functioning. I fear of darkness and the mystery after passing a world called 'life'. I fear of the moment my breath is being drawn out of me. I fear that I would not get to look into my beloved's eyes again. I fear tht I would feel no more.

Somehow, in this shadow of fear, a light of Hope seeps in. Jesus said, 'Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, you believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.' (John 14:1-4)

In my faith, I know where my soul is going to rest. I may not be wealthy enough to buy a tomb or a burial place for my body to lie in this world but I know that in heaven, my Father's house, my King's palace, there is a place for me unto eternity (read Rev. 21). Jesus is my Hope. God says, 'He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.' (Rev. 21:7)

So back to the question: what am I to do with this short life? It's a question every living soul has to ponder. I might as well answer it in an easy selfish way - to do what God has planned. But tonight, I don't feel it quite right to take this question too lightly. Jesus has given up many things so that I may live and have abundant life here on earth. He has prepared and provided things and places so that I may make use of them. He has allowed trials and hardship to happen so that I may learn and be ready for the real battle even though it breaks His heart.

Well, after writing that...i still can't find the right exact answer to this question (sorry if you expected that I would get it..lol). One thing I do know, though, is that I want to live with passion for Him, my beloved King, and others who are beloved by Him. Life is short but it's such a gift. We are not robots being controlled but we are a living, breathing children of the Father of fathers. To have life is probably the greatest gift of all after Redemption because it means I am here to witness His manifested power and glory.

Because God gives me sight, now I get to see those mighty range of mountains rolling by the green pastures under the starry velvety sky.

Because God gives me breath, now I get to smell the sweet crisp fragrance of the blooming buds, the cool earth in the rain and the mouth-watering smell of fresh baked cookies and the just-brewed coffee aroma early in the morning.

Because God gives me ears, now I get to appreciate the sound of music, the quiet silence at nightime, the flowing water and the roaring thunder.

Because God gives me taste, now I get to enjoy eating all kind of yummy food!

Because God gives me touch, now I get to sense the motherly love when my mom holds my hand while walking me to school, to feel red and hot because my blood goes shooting everywhere when being kissed and to feel the warmth of my friends' bodies when being hugged.

These actually keep me ALIVE. Without these senses, everything is meaningless. Even though the world sees me as an insignificant dead person, I am alive in Him. I trust that God has made me, and each one of us, specially, creatively, spontaneously, beautifully, fearfully and godly.

So what I am to do with this life is to live to the fullest. I will hike up until I could reach the topmost part. I will dive down until I touch the bottom ground. I will fly with His wings to the west and the east searching the mystery of life. And in each step, I will continue to worship my Light. I will praise Him when I breathe in and out. I will cherish the moments I have here by myself or with His people. And I will not be sad when I am to leave this world. Death may scare me but my prayer is that in His authority and sovereignty, I will conquer it! Jesus has victory over death and has shone His light brightfully to the world. I am a daughter of the Light and there shall be no fear.

Hear attentively, my friends. When my time has come, do not grieve because I am gone forever. Do cry because tears are made for this purpose...and because you love me...and I love you. But we reckon that in our Hope shall we meet again on the beautiful shore of New Jerusalem. Do not try to find a place for my body to be laid down on this earth because you know where my spirit shall rest peacefully. Please let the fire consume this worldly possession and let what was left of it flow along in the waves of the ocean and blow with the northern wind.

'No guilt in life. No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, No scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns of calls me Home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand'"

Mink

Teary Goodbye

There is time to meet and time to depart...King Solomon once said that.I have had some heart-breaking moments before when I was younger: for example, when my mouse died or when my dad passed away. Both of those time, I could only stand there witnessing their last breath and do nothing. I also shed a tank of tears hugging goodbyes to my high-school friends on our last day of school. And these past few years, I have stood at the airport waving goodbyes to the friends I love and hoping we would meet again.Yesterday was no difference. One thing I never understand is why...why leaving is so hard for me? I am hurt. I am sad. My heart is broken. I cry. I lose. It is like a cold sharp sword piercing into my soul, cutting out a part of it and leaving me with such raw bleeding wound. Somehow I know it is alright. Everything is going to work just fine again after I can "pass through" the challenge. I have had this before...but...just RIGHT NOW...everything is too fresh and vivid. The memories keep flashing back moment after moment...and they cause my eyes to be red and teary again.Strange but true...though the memories can hurt, I still allow them to sink in and be tucked tightly and securely in the deepest part of my heart...waiting for you all to come back and unlock this drawyer.

Thank you for your smile and laughter. Thank you for the unforgettable moments. Thank you for sharing the real "you" with me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the hope that we will meet again.

And so we shall...

"Father,Thank you for the love of my life. Thank you that you have made them so precious...and that You allow us to cultivate such friendships. I pray that it will thrive and grow in Your love, God. It is such a miracle to be their friends. Please bring your healing to me right now...the wound is still too fresh and raw...and it makes my heart ache and sore. But Your lovingkindness, mercy and grace will make my heart complete again. In You, Jesus, I am made whole again. Thank You for the hope that we shall meet again...either here on earth...or in Your home. Amen."

How to Say Goodbye by Michael W. Smith

"Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterdayAnd I don’t know how
Tell me what could stop this river of tears
That’s been building up for years for this moment now

Here I stand arms open wideI’ve held you close
Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye

Tell me why
Why this following of dreams
Takes you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space
You left behindAnd how to laugh instead of cry
How to say good bye

Here I stand arms open wide
I’ve held you close Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye"

Cry of the Lonely

"Being surrounded with familiar faces,
My heart is yet shatteringly broken inside with this stabbing loneliness.
Being wrapped around in the shadow of night,
The intent gaze still keeps eyeing on me tight.
Running away from the painful truth that is chasing after my cry.
Inwardly screaming for the help I thought I'd never find.
Are You here as promised?
Oh-Lord, do what you think is best."

The visa story and my ex-nanny

I went to the embassy this morning...and it was very intense. I've never thought applying for visa would reck my nerve so much like this. This has been a very long process indeed...and thanks to all of my friends who have been faithfully praying for me...I can endure the struggles.

The music from my cell phone rang when it was 6:30. I sleepily dragged myself out of bed and got a shower. Another day of my life....tiresome. I was finally ready at 7:30. Without a thought of finding something to munch on the way, I unwillingly left home. Calling to God seemed very urgent and important right then when I felt so desperate and helpless. I was scared. I had no clue what would lie ahead at the embassy. And i would give up the whole dream of going to Canada if this was not God's will.

Everyone knows how I hate formality and practicality. I would slack until my last minute to get my works done. I would suddenly feel sick when someone hands me a stack of paper full of ABCs and there's no picture in it. I am a HUGE procrastinator. But God has enduringly taught me to "grow up". There is no "mummy" to call for anymore since I stepped out of the "teen age" and entered the twenties (A little stop here, by this i mean it's my own business i need to deal with...not that she's gone). There is no more present protection, whom I could turn for a soothing hug, when I am turned down or scolded by strangers. I'm ON MY OWN. I need to be mature.

So let's come back to my embassy situation. When I got to the building, where Starbucks and Au Bon Pain are friends w/ "cool businessmen", I, an uptown girl, walked straight into a bank to buy the cashier cheque. Then I flew up to the 15th floor by a small tricky box called, "lift". Now once I got there, my stress level reached 90 degree...a little bit more and i'm sure i'd explode. There were 10 more applicants to go, so I pulled out my documentations and check again and again and again just in case...When my queue number was called, my heart was pounding so loud that i'm sure a lady sitting beside me could hear. I handed in my papers to the lady officer, who sat behind a big glass window looking like she hasn't had her "go" for 2 days. After a moment of stressful silence, she finally spoke up. "Your visit is during the school year eh?" I said yes. "Then you need your school transcript. The student certificate is not enough. No one will listen to your reasons...not enough proof." While I was managing in my head what those words meant, she shot at me w/ her last remark, "Do you understand? Come back later when you have your transcript".

And that was it.

So shocked as I was, I unconsciously walked out of the office not knowing what to do next. But one little voiced said that I needed to come to school....for what reasons I had no idea just yet....so I obeyed. And here I am...sitting in front of the computer screen feeling like I'd better make a move.

Sometimes we just think that God is like a nanny. We turn to Him for help only when we are desperate and helpless. Then when we get what we want, we just carelessly say thanks and ran away for some fake beauty or fun. Now I learned that He is more than that. He is the one whom all must fear and be trembled because He is the Lord, the Righteousness, the just Judge and the King.

Do pray that I'd learn more about fear and obedience, love and reliance, faith and trust. "Whatever the outcome may be, I will daily trust you, Lord."

A time for everything...

"From this weak, broken-winged sparrow,

You have made it to be a strong eagle with the hawk's vision.

From this bruised, trampled rose,

You have made it to be a fresh, beautiful, delightful sunflower.

From this abandoned, lone scarecrow,

You have made it to be a lively, beloved human who breathes....

I am not the same anymore.

You are the ozone amongst the polluted air,

The sun at the dawn which gracefully gives warmth,

The lovely bright morning star,

The mounting moon in the blanketed night,

The oasis in the vast desert to the parched-throat,

And the rainbow after the rainstorm."

This is my true sincere expression towards my spirituality throughout the time I've been adventuring the world with God. There are times when everything seems to be crumbled down and all dark. But there are also times when the Divine intervenes and my teary eyes are able to see the path clearly again. I know I am not a writer nor a poet...but this I wrote to praise Him, to honor Him, to glorify Him and to thank Him...the Lord God almighty...the One who took human flesh and endured all things so that we are saved.

"Jesus, I love Thee".

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, And a time to heal;

A time to break down, And a time to build up;

A time to weep, And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, And a time to lose;

A time to keep, And a time to throw away;

A time to tear, And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;

A time to love, And a time to hate;

A time of war, And a time of peace."

Ecclesiates 3:1-8

In the remembrance of the amazing Grade 2

Man! Second Graders are the coolest, funniest, brightest kids ever! There are 24 of them altogether and each of them is so unique. Today we went on a field trip to "Siam Ocean World" together, and it was a blast! To many people's eyes, they might be loud, wild, demanding but to my eyes they are smart, quick to learn and bright! (though sometimes i need to confess they aren't like that.) This is the picture taken on Halloween's day. People were supposed to dress fancy. Here we have a witch, a baseball player ghost, a bloody monster, a satan, a skeleton and a cat woman, our homeroom teacher - Miss Jenelle.

This is Seven, the funny, waggly boy. He is such a creative person. He loves to innovate things out of his scrap paper. lol But he is amazing. He cracks us up all the time with his innocent face and naivety. Today he has been all about a "managing my pocket money" person. He had 200 baht (that's quite a lot of money for a second grader. when i was 8 i got 50 baht at the most.) for his shopping. After he bought a drink or a snack, he would take out all of his money and counted how many baht he had left. So cute. And the thing that made him upset the most was that the souvenir shop gave him 10 baht change instead of 30 baht. And he loves coffee. Shocking!

Momae and Mind-Girl. Cuties. Mind-Girl is really smart. You could probably compare her to Hermione, Harry Potter's friend. In class, I always see her hands shot right up waiting eagerly to be picked to answer the questions. And she always gets dressed up beautifully when there's a big event. Momae...such a blessing to me. She used to be in esl2 but her improvement, to my eyes, was really big. It turned out that she didn't have to take esl2 anymore for the 2nd semester. She loves to tickle people and grab my bum. Today she told me, "Miss Mink, you have such a cute bum. Why?" My word...why like this? lol

Jenelle, the beautiful and devoted Grade 2 teacher. Thank God I've been asked to help her out. She loves reading, working out, shouting "QUIET!" to her students, watching chicky movies, listening to audio books, Louie Giglio, Som-Tum and chicken. Sad day, she will be leaving on April 5th but it'll probably be a happy day for so many others at home. Jenelle, You ROCK! I love you so much. You are an amazing, magnanimous teacher!

And the girl beside her, Heidi D., a sweet, gentle girl with beautiful sincere smile. Cracks me up all the time because of her thai. lol (Sorry, Heidi. Didn't mean to offend you.) She has such a respectful effort to learn this foreign language which she'll probably never be using it...but who knows. And to be honest she is pretty good. Eh?

Six crazy days...

Six more days of school left at GES. What a blast! It'll surely be packed with a lot of parties, field-trips, games and goodbyes. But I'm not going to be here in Nonthaburi when these things happen because I'm going to Chiang-Mai and other northern provinces with my school for the whole week! Leaving Tuesday and coming back Saturday. Oh time is running short and there're so many more things I want to do...so many people I want to get together before leaving.

It is the time that I have to confront every year. Departing. Leaving memories behind. Future. Hug. Tear. Hope. Love. Someone said to me long time ago that, "To leave is to meet". It is true. It's been an invaluable year of struggle, relying on God, friendship and love. Precious treasure you can find nowhere else.

Wait

It has been almost a whole month, I guess, that I haven't put anything up here at all. Wow...w...I can't believe time has flown by so fast! My teaching at NCA was over for almost 2 weeks now. There are only 2 and a half weeks of school left at GES. And my summer school at college will start pretty soon too. Oh, time never waits for anything. At a moment I thought I would bore myself to death because I didn't have anything to do, but a swift moment later when I look at myself again, there are too many jobs in my hands! What a crazy world! lol

Last two weeks, I got to go to Hua-Hin with a group of teachers. It was such a refreshing time for me. And I will post stories and pictures up pretty soon. But today I just want to welcome you to this Russel Kelfer's prayerful thought through his poem - WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, lovingly, I cried;

quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for clue to my fate…

and the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘Yes’ a go-ahead sign

or even a ‘No’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, Dear Lord,that if we believe,

we need but to ask and we shall receive.

Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry.

I’m weary of asking, I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly I learned of my fate,

as my Master replied again “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair defeated and taunt,

and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting….for what?”
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

…and he tenderly said, “I could give you sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek, and pleased you would be.

You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in me,

when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You’d never experience the fullness of love,

when the peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give and I save for a start.

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask,

from an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,

when it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss, if you missed what I am doing in you.
So be silent my child and in time you will see,

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though my answers seem terribly late,

my most precious answer of all is still….wait.”

My friend, Kristin, shared this to me a while ago. And it suited me perfectly during that time. I am not going to say anything because these words have already spoken for me. When you are in the midst of confusion, your eyes are blurred with tears of anger and frustration, remember this God who knows you even before you were born and who loves you so dearly.

Seek and ye will find...God provides more than you can imagine.

Mink ^-^

Battling Soul

Since the morning, the air has been so beachy. Not too hot nor too humid. That gracefully calms my soul, and i thank God for a break from heaviness of weather. I've had quite a quiet day, and it is actually nice. Sometimes i feel like being in people's presence and enjoying the time of fellowship, but so many times i do need the time of meditation, the time of pondering and reflection alone with God. And today is it.

These past few days I have been fighting with confusion a lot. One side of my heart is the Holy Spirit's and the other side is Satan's. I wonder how a man, or in this case a woman, can be dwelled by both. The thing is i'm struggling with the concept of love...(oh yeah...valentine's month). I hear a voice gently speaking, "love your neighbors as you love yourselves", but a swift moment later i hear another evil croaked voice saying, "you haven't received anything back since you gave. why would you still want to love?". And oh, my heart so longingly desires to give love unconditionally like Jesus does, but i'm such a lame and crooked spirit that i don't think i'll be able to accomplish that once. Is this a lie of my life? A lie that tells i am not deserved to be a messenger of love and peace for Jesus?

Very well then, my whole being belongs to Jesus, my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer...the Owner of my life, I will never give in to the power of Satan. It is dragging me into its trap, into the dirty lie. I will never stop fighting until the day Jesus comes and defeats all under His feet. Though I will lose my life, i will stubbornly and continually fight for God is my strength, my Stronghold, my Tower and my Cornerstone.

Jesus, You are the Lover of my life. No one shall ever take Your place...though a part within me longs for more.

Valentine's Week

Oh, this week has been full of mixtures of feelings and emotions...in a good way though. Valentine's day passed without anything "particularly" special from a male companion, lol, which was totally fine. I've received "more than enough" love from my family, girl and some boy friends and my students. One verse from the bible that stuck in my mind all the time is, "It is more blessed to give than to receive". Some might say that this is a way to comfort oneself, but Jesus' word is forever true. And this ain't a comfort, it's the "truth". Why am I so confident? Because I've tried that!

I found myself being so much in peace when I darted my eyes around the school campus and saw the little girls and boys wearing pink, red and white running around the school with chocolate, cookies and gifts from their friends or teachers. Then I turned my gaze the other ways and saw young teens walking with their "special partners" with one hand carrying a bunch of gifts or flowers and the other hand holding the other's hand. The school was filled with excitement! When I walked back into the staff room, though the normal busy-ness was left lingering there, I could smell the air of happiness, joy and hope. In each teacher's mailbox, that was usually stacked with piles of paper and sraps, there were cute little "Hershey's Kiss" chocolate and notes with scripture like "1 Corinthians 13:4-7" sitting on top of it all. Hugs and kisses were exchanged sweetly and openly.

Even though the longing for a male companion deep inside my heart was still there, I was able to find joy in the midst of my friends' presence and God's overwhelming love. Plus, I know that He will not let me wait for too long. I love writing notes to people so that was what I did this year. I know that it might not be as pricy as chocolate or flowers, but that was from all of my heart I have for each one.

And today with G.4 at NCA, we had the chocolate party because 1) we're on the chapter called, "Chocolate King" and 2) it's the Valentine's week. I told them before time to bring anything chocolaty today to share with their friends. When I opened the door, all my kings and queens (i also had them make their own crowns) were all shaking with eagerness ane excitement. But I guess i was quite a cruel teacher because I didn't let the party begin right away, instead I was talking about what "love" means and how we can show love to others. Some of them were moaning like, "Miss Mink, the time is flying and the bell will ring soon if we're not gonna start". lol Oh well, I am a teacher, ain't I? Then I came up with an idea, which I believe that it was Holy Spirit's work, that we would give away our chocolate stuffs to other teachers and students in the school because there were so MANY! Seriously, my desk was piled up with more than 20 kinds of chocolate excluded milk and drinks. So I divided them into 4 groups and told them to knock on each classroom's door and quietly gave chocolate to the teachers. It was quite a success, I think, because each one came back with smiles and some of them just ran back frantically to grab more because it was not enough for all. That surprised me because they didn't "really" want to give at first. I pray that these children, who have increasinly become growing in my heart, would find the "true love" somehow in their older years.

"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us.

God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."

- 1 John 4:16

Happy Valentine's Day!

Mink ^-^

P.S. I'll post some pictures from Valentine's Party from last Sunday soon. Stay tuned!

It's All About You, Jesus...

Jesus, Lover of My Soul (It's all about You)

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender to your ways

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want you to know
I will follow you all my days
For no one else in history is like you
And history itself belongs to you
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will share eternity with You

I am so tired. There is no better word to describe my feeling...my exhaustion right now. Tomorrow will be the big day, Valentine's Party. The first significant job since the vote for leaders. It is hard, and I am drained. It's Saturday today, and I really want to go to Newsong, the underground church with my friends...but I just simply can't. So many things need to be prepared and got ready, so many practices. And things seem to go not like I have planned. We may not have the "Prodigal Son" skit because our actors and actress aren't really sure if they can do. There were so few time to practice. The topic I've planned for Small Group will have to be changed. Things just don't go like "my" ways.

Then I was listening to this song I posted up there, and it struck me so hard. It is ALL about God...and not about me. And this is the right way which He wants now.

"Take over everything that I am holding back from You, Lord"

Please pray that all will go as He planned.

Overwhelming Love

I just went running out around the school campus on the chillin' breezy night. Oh! What a wonderful feeling to be able to pour out my energy on jogging, breathing the unpolluted fresh air, meditating on every single beat of my heart and thanking God for the quietness of my soul as the tall fur-like trees being swayed by the cooly wind of this silent night!

To be honest, I am not a really durable runner. I usually run for at least 10 laps around the soccer field, (which its size is like your backyard if you've been to GES...haha...). But that's good for my body...at least for now. Then after I felt exhausted, I'd cool down by stretching, doing sit-up and laying down on the ground. Tonight I did the same thing. And while I was lying there lifting my feet and pointing my eyes heavenward, I felt amazingly close to God. It was JUST RIGHT THERE within my reach. Though I was so bugged with wild tropical mosquitoes (yah...sorry that the mentioning of mosquitoes kinda spoils the cooly story), my whole being resisted to move.

Now I just thank God for the joy in my heart for having His love grasping so tightly. He is the trusted Guardian of my spirit, and my soul longs and thirsts for Him.

I feel alive once more...

"As the deer panteth for the water

So my soul longeth after Thee

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship Thee

You alone are my strength, my shield

To You alone may my spirit yielded

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship Thee"

May this song, which was inspired by Psalm 42, be your prayer when your soul is dry and your heart is being cracked. Great is our Comforter. Let our lives be the burnt offerings that please Him, and worship Him.

Picture from: http://www.deanesmay.com/files/deanesmay-starsky.jpg
Picture by Van Goh

Enough

"Why do I keep wanting?" is my biggest question in my life? Why am I not satisfied in what I have, where I am and who I am created to be? The words from the song called "Enough" has been playing in my mind recently, and I have been pondering about it a bit.

The definition of "ambition" that I got from dictionary.com is "an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment:..." And as I grew up with my dad, who was a businessman, one of the teachings he told me was to "aim high, reach higher and succeed."

When I was young, I joined the taekwondo club, which finally me and my sisters ended up playing for the team for a few years. To say, it was something that I didn't really love, but it was fun to be around friends and fellow atheletes. I wasn't really good at it. Whenever we had a tournament, the highest medal I got was mostly silver. However, we were taught never to give up when the eyes of the whole stadium were watching at us, and while the time was running unless we got seriously injured. No matter how exhausted i was, i needed to keep kicking, playing along the plan until time was up. To be honest, it was something I struggled with the most. I was not, and am not a fighter. However, when the whistle was blown, I felt both succeeded and burdened at the same time. Succeeded because I could win over my physical and spiritual weaknesses, but burdened because i knew that next round was coming up and the fight with my own self would start once more. Somehow, at the end of the match, when a speaker announced the winners' awards, I felt honored, proud and succeeded.

When I grow up, after my dad's death, one of my ambitions is to have a bachelor degree for both of my parents. It is something they never had in their lives. My dad only got a certification from some kind of a trade school (somehow, after he got married with mom, he saught for more knowledge by attending language schools, joining clubs, etc. He was a learner.) and my mom didn't even finish her sixth year of primary school at all because her family had to move somewhere else, and they were so poor during that time. So briefly i have inherited this kind of pressing ambition that my parents couldn't have in their own time, and honestly i want to accomplish it.

Yah, i'm fighting with ambition in my life, yet what the Lord has for me is a complete different story. I might not give the best definition of ambition well, but here's what i am strugglign now: what i want, i try to do it in my "own" way but not the Lord's way. And it turns out in a disaster. I want to be paid attention at so i try to act in somewhat not my own self at all. I want to go on a trip so i work myself to bone (that's what my friend said) to get money, which was eventually spent in something more necessary. So i just thought that it's good to have ambition in life, but if used in the wrong way, it ends up in self-centeredness and making a wrong turn on the path of God's will. What He has in store for me is more than enough...

Enough by Louie Giglio & Chris Tomlin

You are my supply

My breath of life

Still more awesome than I know.

You are my reward

Worth living for

Still more awesome than I know.

And all of you

Is more than enough for

all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with your love

And all I have in you is more than enough

You're my sacrifice

Of greatest price

Still more awesome than I know.

You're my coming King

You're my everything

Still more awesome than I know.

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me.

More than all I know

More than all I can see

You are more than enough for me.

You have walked into my life

(My apology for the weird use of vocabulary and sentence fragments...my brain doesn't work so well since i haven't had anything at all today.)

Oh, my...I am so tired. This has been a long day without any food filling my stomach! Why, why, why do I complain all the time? I complain when I have nothing to do, but I still do when there're more than enough in my hands at the same time. Is this a part of human nature or just my own thing? lol Anyway, I'm on my break. Don't even wanna move a limb even though my stomach is betraying my feeling.

However, in all the complaints, I do thank God for the busy day. At least it keeps me focused on the goals of the day or else I'd sit restlessly wandering in my thoughts of something unreachable. Yes, I have been thinking a lot lately. Whenever there is time, which seems to be not as much as before now, I'd sit down trapping myself in my own little world and think...about things of tomorrow, things that seem so far away...think of people who were now history (by this, i'm not replying that they're dead...but they're not present anymore), who have walked into my journey towards eternity, who have become dear people to me and will be gone in a few months...

"Life is a gift" someone said to me, yet it seems so strange...How come people from completely different backgrounds, stories, cultures, spots were brought to meet at a particular, certain place and time? It's just amazing! And only God can do that! I thank God for every single soul He has brought into my life. They might play different roles yet they're parts of His plan to mold me, conform me into His image. I'm being purified so that when I'm tested by fire, what comes out of it will be the shiny sparkling pure gold.

So, I don't know what to write anymore....I just want to let you all know that I miss you...wherever you are, whatever you do...you mean so much to me. And you're the parts that brighten up my life. Thanks for all the prayers, cards, notes, presents, encouraging words, hug, thoughts and love. I cherish them all. Thanks be to God whom have drawn us close and that we've become friends. Thank Him for the sweet, wonderful and adventurous memories i had with you guys when travelled.

"Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiates 4:9-12

"I spent a day in the city..."

"I spent a day in the city in going to visit my friend at her apartment house. It took me 5 hours from where I live to get there. While I drove, I had to turn at every signle corner, pass many street signs, and almost needed to stop at every traffic light. It was a horrible, exhausting ride so I decided to stop at a parking meter. However, to make a matter worse, there was a tornado flew right into where I stopped. Everything on the street by the sidewalk was damaged.

The pedestrians were running wildly, trying to get into office buildings so that they'd be safe from the monster. I was one of them. Unfortunately, I was also one of many witnesses that saw a horrible scene: a freaked-out, running-for-life old man was trying to make his way towards my building. However, he was too short-sighted to see that right in front of him was a big curb. Poor guy, he stumbled over it, and got his head cut open. Thank God, someone's cell worked, and he called for the ambulance. Eventually, I reached my friend's house only to find that she was not home. And that was how I spent my day in this smog city."

That just happened yesterday.......................







:)

If you believed that, you gotta be crazy! First, I can't drive. Second, there was only a heavy storm came into Nonthaburi yesterday, not a tornado. lol This writing was just written when I leisurely joined Angi's class last Tuesday and she told us to write a story out of 10 words we learned together. I don't know how I came up with that miserable story while others wrote about their shopping and business.

Well, just wanna share. lol Good day to you all.

The Greatest Love of Christmas

Finally, i got this time to put some of the pictures from Christmas down. This one is on Dec. 17th, when we had the Christmas Concert Outreach at Big C. It is more crowded and noisier than before because it was almost holiday. (Yah...too bad Thailand doesn't have a long Christmas break like those of you who are from western countries. We have a new year break though.) So, it made us all nervous, but it went pretty well. These are the kids that bravely came up on the stage to play game with us.

After Big C, we drove straight down to Nonthaburi Pier. You may not be able to imagine how we carried all of our heavy and huge musical instruments and needed stuffs such as drums, keyboard, guitar, bass, amplifiers, stands and chords back and forth. Basically, we had 2 pick-up trucks for these things. Somehow, we still needed to carry them from the trucks to where we're gonna play. This picture is before showing. We're seriously starving...waiting for someone to bring food to feed us, planning, getting together and praying.

The concerts went well. We're tired, but we still praised God for that. This is Christmas Eve. It was really cool to be able to sit down and ponder more of what Christmas really means. And to be honest, us, christians, have a little time of pondering because when the event comes we run around like chicken trying to get things done, make things perfect, please people, buy last-minute presents, send cards...and all these craziness. Well, at least it happens to me all the time. When I came to think about it, what a waste of time i spent. So, I made my resolution that this year I'll stop running around, and sit down to listen to God telling me about the meaning of Christmas more. The man in the picture is Pastor Ray(wat). He was preaching about "Why Jesus came down as a man?"

In the evening, my church's christmas banquet, "The Greatest Love of Christmas" began. There were various kinds of shows: dancing from sunday school children, singing from many groups, christmas choir, a skit from youth group, etc. This is the end of our skit. Can you guess who is who?

(From the left: the Star, three wisemen, a girl who seeks the real christmas meaning, shepherds, Joseph and Mary)




A day after, we had this "Christmas Concert" again at a mall nearby called, "Central Rattanatibet". Personally, I was seriously drained, so I was glad it was the last program we'd do after long practicing, preparing, decorating, working. It was pretty cool. Central is totally different from Big C. It is less crowded, quieter and cooler. So, we mainly reached out to shoppers AND the mall's workers, which was really cool. I feel so blessed that God chose all of us in the picture to serve, walk in Him, learn about each other together. We're bound to be brothers and sisters.


Sorry, I can't rotate this picture. Just want to introduce you to my sweet sisters, Mai and Mo. We're standing in front of the mall trying to look like travellers. lol

Well, that was my Christmas story this past year. I pray you all would find the true meaning of Christmas, or in a better way i read from my friend's blog, Christ-mass.

My "self" and my "real self"

Well, yeah...here I am again sitting here and wondering what to write. I believe it happens with almost everyone when your life either is full of remarkable, exciting events and adventures or full of boredom and nothingness. Mine is the latter.

With that said, there were "some" good moments during Christmas and new year, but most of the areas in my life have been taken with confusing, blurry pictures and empty feelings. Days drag on with whole bunches of things going on but I don't get excited with them. I try to get inspirations from books, spiritual people's testimonies, movies, talks or quotes, but what do I need the most?

Truly, I start to get bored in blogging about my boredom in life, my lack of excitement and my emptiness in heart. I start to wonder where God is in my life. Yes, I have been sharing this to many people, and maybe talking it over with some of the poeple, but healing comes so slowly that I wonder it'll ever be healed again. I see family and friends around me busying themselves with their beloved jobs, goals in studying, tendency to be succesful in their lives, adventurous travels...and I get envied. One of my friends here, SaraJane, told me to get a view of a whole big picture in this year, not only a particular small part of the future. And I think it's true. But my problem is I don't see anything at all. (underlined that word "at all") I don't feel like myself. I have been someone else whom I hate, and I want to get out of this self soon! At the same time, with all the burning desire to walk away from this useless self, I feel trapped.

Today I was reading the weekly devotion by Rick Joyner, and the scipture is in Ephesians 2:8-9 which you guys probably know so well. And he was talking about by grace we have been saved. And it is not about deeds that God is fond of us, or else He wouldn't send Jesus down to die on the cross for our sins, but it is our broken and contrite hearts. He has no need of our help because He is the I am, but He loves us and wants the best for us. Somehow, human gets slayed easily because of Satan. The best example of all is Adam and Eve who fell into sins because they'd rather lived life with the knowledge of good and evil than with the fruits from the Tree of Life. And I think that's what I have now. I try to live life righteously, do things on my own so it'd not bother anyone, blame myself and dwell in bitterness while Jesus says He is our righteousness and salvation. He is ready to help me, but I am not willing just yet. I don't know why I am so stubborn like donkeys, but it probably takes sometimes. Some says God takes time with us so that we'd really realize what He has in plans for our lives, and that we'd see His abundant mercy, grace and love clearer. And I hope it is true. I know all these facts and truths, but I cannot just live them.

I'm now reading the book called, "Through the painted desert" by Donald Miller. And I'd like to quote this sentence which totally struck me so hard:

"Life is to be lived, not just gotten through."

(Not the exact quote, but something like this) I really like it, and have been thinking a lot about it. Life is a struggle for me now, and I pray that in some days soon, God'd change this whole gray picture into something colorful and bright. And I'd get my real self back again.