My name is Tuangporn Wiroonchatapunth. I am 24 years old. I now live in Nonthaburi with my mother and two younger sisters. I graduated from Silpakorn University, majored in English and minored in Tour Guide. I am a friendly and outgoing person, but I also tend to be an introvert who adores solitude and peacefulness. I love to get busy with jobs and people, but if there is some spare time, my favorite activities are reading, writing, listening to music and traveling. I would like to break down my journey from the past to the present into 3 stages: the questioning, the seeking and the pursuit.
The Questioning
Just like other Buddhist families, I was raised among idol-worshippers, and taught to do good in order to gain a ticket-pass to heaven. My father used to be a monk for 3 months. My mother was a devout Buddhist who never ceased to pray, make merits and go to temples. My other relatives on both sides are very strict when it comes to rituals and ceremonies. They hardly miss any occasions. My aunt used to offer her body as a temporary abode of a former king’s spirit’s brief visits. She is now a vegetarian. Being surrounded by such belief and tradition, it was doubtless that I had adopted the same motif in living; self-reliance.
I followed my parents’ steps. I was a temple-goer. I never forgot to pray before bed. I could also memorize some lengthy chants. The most important thing of all, I feared death. Ironically, though I tried to obey all rules and made plenty of merits, I was never sure and convinced that I would actually go to heaven. It seemed like the deeds I had done were never enough. Often, I was troubled by the scenes of hell, the fear of passing into the shadow and the nagging curiosity about the after death. I always found myself thinking about what-ifs: what if I died to day; what if the world came to an end; what if the universe didn’t actually exist. What then? Where would I be? What of the others? Would there be any consciousness left in me to be aware of what was going on? And the questions continued. Every time I tried to find a sensible answer, I would be pulled back to the beginning. The thought worked in a cycle. It did not lead me anywhere but nothingness - an utter darkness, a void. The more I spent time thinking about them, the more I got depressed. So, for a while, I pretended to forget and lived only for the moment.
The Seeking
Life went on until I entered into the turning point when my father passed away. He died of bone cancer when I was 15 years old. It was painful, unwelcome and shocking. Dad was my hero. I would usually be seen doing something alongside him: washing our cars, going to movies, reading newspapers, etc. I was daddy’s girl. When I learned that he passed away, my whole world was crumbling right before my eyes. Things were hopeless, and it was almost impossible to get a clear vision of how we, as a family, would go on without the pillar of the household. Those months of mourning were dragged by slowly. Each morning I awoke feeling cumbersome. Each night I went to sleep with loneliness and fear wondering where his spirit would be. The only strength and comfort I could find during that time was from my mother and sisters. Though we gave offerings to monks and did what a good Buddhist was supposed to, I always wondered if it would be any effective. It seemed to me that nothing could stop the forcing power of death, not even the Buddha himself. Despair was my constant companion for the knowledge beyond this world’s realm was too great for me to comprehend.
Being unable to acknowledge the eternal purpose, I thus shifted my focus back into the worldly goals: achievement and success. In high school, I was ranked as one of the top ten students in my class. I had a group of decent friends. My mom had her business going. We were settled in a new house and happy. I also started dating a senior student when I was in grade 11. Seemingly, life was good. After a while, Buddhism had become an obligated religious system of duties and responsibilities, not lifestyle. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was longing to know what lies beyond this world, and still searching for the true meaning of life.
In June 2002, I got a chance to go to an English camp arranged by the Campus Crusade for Christ. I went without much expectation. My only hope and desire was to practice my English with the native-tongues, and to meet new friends. While I was there, I was introduced to the sacrificial love of Christ. My eyes were opened to the truth concerning life and death. During my time at the camp, all the questions I had had were answered on the cross where Jesus died, and my hope in life beyond this world was found in the empty tomb. I realized that I was a prisoner of sins and the bitter past. I reckoned that the self-reliant ways of Buddhism would lead me nowhere near heaven; and no gods in this world could save me from hell but this One. I knew that I needed Him to redeem me. So I received Jesus Christ the Lord into my life.
The Pursuit
I might as well wrap it up now since the story seemed to have a happy ending. But real life is not a fairy tale for the quest is just about to begin (though I could claim that I know how it will end).
When I delivered the news to my mom and sisters, they were neither oppressing nor encouraging. Difficult as it was to be an only Christian in the family, plus being afraid to be a black sheep, I finally yielded to temptations after a month of struggling. I was drawn back into the same tide of worshipping idols. Every single time my head bowed down for those lifeless images, there was always a pang of guilt in my heart. And for a brief moment, I would remember the sweet fragrance of love and the fullness of life in Christ, and long to be back there once again. But the feeling of unworthiness stopped me from repenting. I would hear a mocking voice saying that there was no way to go back since I chose the ways of the world. I would be reminded that I was just a human unworthy of forgiveness, and everything in the camp was nothing but a sweet dream. I would only look up some encouraging bible verses once in a while for comfort, but I dared not claim the rights of salvation.
December 2002 came. One night I got a phone call from my boyfriend who told me that our relationship could go no further than just friends. I was brokenhearted. The same “world-crumbling” happened again that night. I felt betrayed and wondered if there would be any true love apart from my family in this world. After a few weeks of crying and pitying myself, the memories of love and friendship from the English camp began to flow back into my mind like a stream of river again. It was at that time when there was nothing left in my life I remembered God and His love, and actually surrendered my will to Him.
Thus began the pursuit. I spent time reading His words and pondering the truth until I found myself on my knees praying for forgiveness. The Light of hope and joy took place in my spent and weary heart. After conviction, I started to attend church nearby my living area. Nonthaburi Baptist Church has been my spiritual home ever since. Two years later, my mother came to salvation followed by my 2 sisters in a year later. Jesus is the Lord of my life. Each day I find life more meaningful and full of purposes when I abide in Him and seek His will. Though I cannot deny that I still do struggle with sins everyday, I have a hope that, as I pass through each valley, I would be stepping a little higher on the mountain to where He dwells and becoming more conformed into Christ’s likeness.
I do not know about the future. I have no idea where He will lead me next. But one thing I am certain of is that I do know where my true home lies. I want to spend the time He has given to me here on earth to get to know Him more and to live for Him. I have a passion to share this gift of salvation and the Good News to people in the world and guide them the way into God’s kingdom as it is stated in Hebrews 12:28 that, “therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God…”
J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote a song in his novel, the Lord of the rings, when Bilbo ventured off his home:
“The Road goes ever on and
from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can.
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.”
For me, life is an eternal quest, an endless journey, a life-long pursuit. I do not want to rob myself from that journey by giving in to the fear of the unknown
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