Soul surrender

"Lord, although I long to be in heaven with you, please do not take me away from this world yet. My life hasn't yet been complete. I won't be complete without my husband."

It's one big dream for most of the girls - to be married, to deeply love someone and be loved as equally in return. It's one of mine as well. Only recently did I start to doubt if God would ever answer my prayer on this matter. Year after year, I waited and asked persistently but no answer came. Does God even hear my cry?

When I was younger, I thought like a child..but as I'm turning 25, I see it more with a mature eye. This isn't a sensitive girl's daydream but a battle to be fought with fierce strong will.

Paul said, "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinth. 7:8-9) When I read this passage, such mixed emotions came across my mind..."how could Paul suggest such thing?!"...then, more reluctantly, "would this be God's answer to my prayer?" '~' I was in shock.

Slowly, a pale light began to seep through - the priceless jewel in a relationship with God isn't about what I get but what I become. When I ask Him for something, I approach Him like a stubborn child...asking blatantly, banging His chest, throwing myself on the floor, crying or shaking fists at His face. But a determined Father who knows better would not yield to His daughter's will, not yet anyway. In His book "Prayer" Philip Yancey said, "The real value of persistent prayer is not so much that we get what we want as that we become the person we should be."

God wants all of me...my life, my heart, my soul, my desire and my love "for in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are COMPLETE in Him, who is the head of all principality and power." (Col. 2:9-10) I think what He's challenging me at the moment is, "Would I be willing to drop EVERYTHING including my desire to be married to follow Him if He called me so?" And with tears rolling down on my face, a heavy sob in my chest, teeth gritting, I will have to say, "Yes, Lord. You've got my all."

When our whole being is ALL for Him, everything ELSE is a gift, including a husband as well. Instead of painstakingly searching for "somebody", it's best to patiently and lovingly wait on the One whose love redeems all the longing souls and whose beauty captivates all hearts in the world. I'm departing from the grip of the flesh and returning into the embrace of the everlasting.

"Jesus, take me into Your arms. I've found it at last - the gift of waiting on You. Father, I'm back into Your loving arms again. I'm ready now for whatever You'll use me for. I believe that one day You'll take my hand and bring me to the love I've been waiting for. But for this time and for the rest of my life, I'm content to be with You."

Christmas rant

It's another cold night in December. And Christmas is just around the corner. Usually, I would be so busy that I would have no time to sit down and write this note if I were in Bangkok. My lifestyle has changed since I moved up to work in Chiang-Mai. I've got more time to be with myself and do things whenever I want and whatever I want without having anyone to check on me. Maybe it's a little too much.

Each Christmas, there is always different message from God to me. Normally, it's all about joyous feelings...celebration, you know, with family and friends...sitting around a table laden with yummy food and dessert...soaking in the beauty of the lights and decorations...listening to Christmas songs...laughing...playing games...opening up presents. Good times.

This year, well, the story is a little different. I am 870 kilometers away from the ones I love. I've got all my time and resources to do fun things but without family and friends...it hardly means anything. I am not anywhere near being happy since there're things to think through and struggles to fight with. Loneliness is my faithful company, and I hardly feel lonely anymore.

Sounds bitter and resentful, hey? I know.

That's one new thing I've been learning this past while - that Christmas includes EVERYONE. And if you read another of my "rant" below, you might catch a bit of glimpse of what I'm trying to say, who I am and how I feel right now. I know that there's nothing worth in me to persuade you to read this. Why would you wanna read something from a depressed person anyway? But if you don't have anything to do, and don't mind this writing, then I hope that the message would give you something to think about...

Merry Christ-mass

"A drug-addicted 24-year-old girl crouching in a dark corner of the room, alone...unnoticed…
A fragile 8-year-old boy fighting with his last breath in a hospital, miserable...hopeless…
A lonely 75-year-old lady with her cane in an elders home, abandoned...unimportant…

Christmas – what does it mean?
Loved ones? Delicious meal and dessert? Lights and presents?
What if these people don’t have one? What if they can’t afford it?
Will Christmas mean anything to them?

Thinking of those who are shivering out there in the cold…
Thinking of those who are alone…
If Christmas is about what’s listed above…
It would be just another day on calendar…

Take a minute to ponder what Christmas means to you…
Jesus was born in a stable, cold and dark…
He was acquainted with sorrow and homeless most of the time…
Jesus isn’t only here for the rich and happy BUT also for the poor and brokenhearted…

While we celebrate,
Let us remember the lowliness of the manger and the humiliation of the cross –
The sacrifice that brings peace and joy."

Mink

"Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised,
and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:1-5

A psalm to the Creator

Heart shatteringly broken. Tears streaking from my eyes.
Hopeless and lost in the wilderness of pain.
Can anyone hear me? The little voice in the wind.

Gasping for breath. Choking for air.
Helpless and dying in the desert of despair.
Can anyone see me? The small grain in the sand.

Oh Lord, why I see nothing when I lift my eyes to the hills?
Why the vast unknown and darkness shadow over me?
Why so when Your promise says that’s where my help comes from?

Mighty God. Beautiful Savior.
Hope for sinners. Throw Your arms open wide.
Glorious King. Loving Father.
Wonderful Author. Hear my cry.

Though the sky darkens and the world may fall;
Though I lose my sight and have no will to keep on;
I will run to You for I know Your love endures
No condemnation from the One, the Living God

Though the sea dries up and the mountains crumble;
Though I may be found alone with tears overflow;
I will sing praise to You, I will rejoice in You
For You are good and You are God.