Another Prayer to the Father

Oh Father,

My heart is yet broken again. I feel like breaking down my dam of tears so that my sorrow will be drowned in my sobs.

I try to steel myself not to be deeply engaged in someone's life. I try to be ignorant and insensitive so that I won't have to be hurt when they leave or let me down. I try...but it never works.

My nature calls for intimacy with those around me. I tend to get attached with those whom I know. I love to love deeply even when it hurts.

Now I have nowhere to turn to but You. I'm hurt and wounded. Father, I need You.

My love will be wavered...but Yours will remain forever.

Better be a broken-hearted person than never know what love is at all.

Jesus, come and heal my brokeness...please. I need You.

Wait...Again?

So...Christmas went by...pretty fast.

Here I am preparing for a new year.

God was merciful to send 3 awesome people to me to spend time with over the Christmas weekend. I had already prepared myself to celebrate it alone...so it was beyond what I expected....the gift given to a grateful heart. Thank You, Father.

On the Christmas night, we were sitting by the river and I was asked to name a few things that I'd like to set as goals and accomplish within the next Christmas. I had 3 things I'm planning to get done...but I actually had more than that. There're many more things I want to have or to do; for example, I want a camera, a laptop computer, a shelf to put my books on and a coffee table for my room; I want to travel abroad, see the world with my own eyes and work among the marginalized.

YET God has a different plan. Since Christmas, He's been speaking the message of waiting to me over and over again...so often that it'd be hard to miss that.

Last Saturday, I was trying to run an errand in town. But every place I went was close. I went to get my skirt that i dropped off at a nearby shop 2 weeks ago only to be asked to wait. Seriously, i waited for 2 weeks...you haven't finished it yet? That was totally my thought at that moment. Then I rode my bike to the night bazaar to get my nails done. Usually, i would just waltz in and get started. Well, the place was packed...and it looked like i'd have to wait 10-15 more minutes. So I just went to another place instead. As I was waiting to cross the street, there came a yellow light with the word "WAIT". I was like, "Whoa! Wait a second, God. I think I'm catching on pretty quickly. You don't have to repeat that over and over again like this. It's pretty scary."

How would you feel when you received a message like this at the beginning of the new year? Wait? Again? Surely, a person's patience has to have some limits? Surely, when a new year comes, you'd want to see some changes or signs that you could move on or stop right here...not the word "wait".

Well, God's ways are not our ways. I have resigned to that fact.

On December 26, I was reading Psalm 37...and these sentences stood out so clearly as if the Lord was telling me what I must do:

"TRUST in the Lord and DO good; (3)

"DELIGHT yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (4)

"COMMIT your way to the Lord; TRUST in Him..." (5)

"BE STILL before the Lord and WAIT patiently for Him;" (7)

"WAIT for the Lord and KEEP His way." (34)

All the capitalized words above are the order from God...clearly instructing and guiding me. As I'm entering into a new year, my mind begins to worry about my future; what I'm gonna do next, where I'll be in a year from now, will I ever have a boyfriend. Waiting can be very tiring, challenging, demanding, frustrating and discouraging.

"I don't wanna wait anymore, God!", I shouted.

Then He gently speaks to me through the words above..."Trust in Me. Delight yourself in Me. I will surely give you the desires of your heart. Just commit your way to Me. Be still and wait patiently for Me. Do as I say."

How could you say "no" to a God who's ever so patient like this?

How could you turn away from such loving Father, who has waited for eternity for a soul to find its way back to Him?

And how could you be impatient when you see the Savior enduring the plight of the cross to redeem human from sins?

The Holy Spirit ministered to me and showed me what I am and what I am not.

Waiting is a sacrifice...a pleasing sacrifice before the eye of the Lord.

Waiting doesn't mean sitting around and doing nothing.It means that we lay what we hold dear to Him and offer all that we have and all that we are to the God who's above and beyond our understanding and imagination.

It means giving up something we think is good to gaining something God thinks is best.

How cool it is to start this year with me "waiting". I am half excited and half scared to see what's going to unfold and what He has in store for me as I wait on Him. I'm going to need a real rejoicing time that I can only find in Jesus when my patience comes to an end. God is going to be my only pure joy and delight when I don't get what I want.

On December 27, I wrote in my journal about the time of waiting with my 2 friends before their bus leave Chiang-Mai. We were hanging out in my room...trying to kill the 1 1/2-hour time. One was reading the Bible and the other one giving me a guitar lesson. We did nothing much...but waited. Here's what I wrote in my journal, "I greatly enjoyed that hour of having nothing to do but waiting. You can do so many memorable things while waiting." We sang some good worship songs together. I, personally, felt the Lord's presence among us.

"Waiting isn't too bad."

So...here I'm waiting....and doing my best...for You, Jesus.

A Giant of Faith: "Everything Around Me Proves That God is Real."

Last Saturday, we were up in Chiang-Dao district visiting TH973, a project that’s working with Chinese and Shan people. In the afternoon, we split into 2 groups to visit some children’s families. Our group went to Patchara’s house. She’s a tiny girl with bright brown eyes. Her family is Chinese. They are now living in someone else’s property, more like “house-sitting” for their cousins. There are 3 children in this family, all registered in the project.

Patchara’s mother is a petite Chinese lady with shy smile painted on her face. She came to Christ through her children. When they come home, they tell her about the stories they have learned at the project. One day, she was given the Bible. She started looking at Genesis 1. She read about all the days of creation and how everything was made in the sight of the Lord. Slowly, it came to her that there must be a God in this world…a God who reigns above all else. She then decided to receive Jesus into her life and has devoted herself to God.

However, she’s the only adult Christian in the family. Those around her are either Buddhists or ancestor-worshippers, including her husband. During our brief time, she told us how she is grateful to be found by God and is alive in Him. But she started choking a little when she talked about her struggles in the community. Through her tears, she shared to us about her being mockingly asked by her neighbors. “Where is God’s love? How do you know it’s there?”, t hey said. Her sincere reply gave a huge lump in my throat. “Everyday I’m greeted with His love. When I rise and see the sun, I know He’s there. Everything around me proves that God is real.”

Despite the physical difficulty and spiritual challenges, she firmly said that she will not waver because she knows that Jesus is the only Way. She also asked us to pray for her husband who is very opposing to what she believes. On the earlier visit (when I went with P.Yui and P.Ying), she told us that her husband threatened to leave her if she didn’t return to the former ways of belief.
Her faith is just rock solid. I was so thankful to be able to meet with a giant of faith like Patchara’s mother. I was reminded of a song by 33 miles, “There is a God”.

There's a beauty to the dawn, a rhythm to the rain

A silence in the soul that I just can't explain

There's a breath of life I breathe, a beating in my heart

A magnificence, a scary sense of what lies past the stars

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be

There is a God; this is the proof

That all around the evidence is speaking the truth

From the center of my soul to the edge of the universe

Creation is crying out believe it or not

There is a God

There's a debt that has been paid, a grace that I've been shown

A hope that I've been given that I have never known

There's a love that conquers darkness a peace alive in me

There's a life that's not just here and now but for eternity

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be that

I believe it; I believe it

There is a God I can feel it; I can feel it

There is a God

And the more I find the less I need to see

I've never been so sure, so sure of anything

Before we left, we were, one by one, shaking hands with her, hugging and whispering thanks to her through our tears. We were there to bring encouragement but it was us who walked away challenged and encouraged.

Patchara's Mother

Patchara's the girl on the right.

I Delight to Do Your Will

I just finished reading the whole bible, and I'm still trying to figure out what to read next. Should I find a bible study book and focus on that or should I read something like Our Daily Bread? I don't know yet. But today, I opened a daily devotional book, God's Promises, my friend gave me years ago to today's date (Nov 5), I found just what I need. Here's what it says:

"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart." Psalm 40:8

The situation that looms in front of you may seem impossible to overcome in your own strength. It might be the result of your own actions, or you may be an innocent victim, caught in the backlash of someone else's consequences. Whatever the case, we can easily become intimidated, even fearful, and eventually immobile. The only way to move beyond that sort of paralyzing stalemate is to learn to accept and trust God's plan. You release the controls and wait for Him to move.

- Charles R. Swindoll
Paul: A man of Grace and Grit

I'm so cumbersome with loads of work at the moment. We, Yui (my best co-worker I could ever ask for) and I, have a big tour coming up next week. Our schedule becomes so crammed up with the tour's to-do list. This is not to mention other daily tasks I have to handle such as replying daily e-mails, making phone calls, following up with other co-workers for a week-late questions and arranging visits. Somehow my time is consumed with work that I unfortunately have to neglect other important stuff such as keeping in touch with friends or being there for those who need encouragement.

Today's verse gently brings me to my knees. The psalmist says, "I delight to do Your will,
O my God, and Your law is within my heart." Often I automatically do what I'm supposed to do without even thinking why I do it and whom I do it for. Without answers to these 2 questions, all the work in the world is pointless. It's "vanity and grasping for the wind".

So let us find the meaning of our life, our job and our very existence. Why we do what we do? And whom are we doing it for?

Grace and Peace,

Mink

Lions Were Vegetarian

Well, uh, here's something I got from helping with the Sunday School at church yesterday. My class was age 4-5. There were about 10 kids altogether with 1 teacher and 2 TAs. So it was a very decent class...we got to interact with children more intimately.

A boy named Micah walked in while we're making animal headbands (we're talking about Noah). He quietly seated beside me and started painting. When I asked him to choose which animal he'd like to have, he picked lion. Of course, boys love lions. :)

So, wanting to break the silence, I asked, "Micah, do you know what lions eat?"

Micah: "Well, at the beginning of the world, lions were vegetarian." (??!!

Me (feelin' a bit surprised): "Yeah? Why do you think they were vegetarian?"

Micah: "Coz God created lions to be vegetarian. But...but...after Adam and Eve sinned, they started killing each other. So that's why lions eat meat now."

Me: "Oooohhhhhh...."

At least I know now that at least lions thought very highly of veggies. Tell your kids if they wanted to be like lions, they should start eating more vegetables. :)

Precious.

Mulling Over Life

First, let me warn you that this entry will be LONG. So if you may not have enough time to read, feel free to print it out and read it at work or at home.

This week, I have a privilege to be the sole owner of my work station. All the other 3 girls are away: one in Bangkok, one in Australia and one unknown. Be it coincidence or destiny, we are all single. People often drop by to tease us about it, which we apparently don’t mind. Anyway, I’ve been able to get a lot of work done sooner than I thought and now I have some spare time to post this blog.

Life at this stage is good. The 2nd year of work is definitely easier than the 1st. For a few months at the beginning of the year, I was ready to bail. My heart wasn’t in my job. I struggled to find a home church. I missed home TERRIBLY. I wanted OUT.

Then came a trip that changed my attitude, fanned up my passion and God brought me back up to my feet again. How quickly I forgot my first love. Since the trip, I began to see Compassion ministry in fresher perspective. The prospect of ALL workers, be it in the head office or in the local churches, joining in one hand regardless of cultures and denominations excite me and makes me willing to go second, third, fourth mile to serve others’ need and, ultimately, serve God.

The Lord has also blessed me with a friendship that I long sought for. P. Manna is the Country Director’s assistant whose desk is just right behind me. She came here 5 months ago with the bachelor degree in graphic design (I think) from England. She’s from a very strong Christian family who is heavily involved with their church’s ministries. I never imagined we’d get together because her and my life is totally different. She seemed to me like a spoiled rich girl, at first. But we got to spend more time together during lunch break and weekends. Our common ground is movie. So after knowing her, I’ve watched more movies than I did last year in total. Having a friend who cares allows me to be more like myself and gives a sense of belonging and security.

I’m also helping out with the Sunday school class at the church I go to. I assist the 4-5 years old class, which is a lot of FUN! The first time I went was a bit awkward because it was mostly white kids. I know it shouldn’t be difficult because I have some very good Canadian and American friends but they’re adults. Kids are different. So I had to orient my mind all over again and observe their behavior and needs. After the class, I realized that children are the same all over the world. What they need MOST is genuine love and attention, period. It may come in different forms. Some kids may be more demanding while others may choose to hide behind their siblings’ backs. But all of them have potentials to create something fantastic. Just give them the time, a piece of paper and a box of crayons, they’d show you the entire world you need to see.

On a more personal note, God has put me through a very intensive course of abiding, trusting & surrendering and wrestling. There are some struggles since the past that I find it difficult to overcome. Every time I allow my desires to come before God’s, there comes the guilt. Every time I confess my sin and ask for forgiveness, I feel ashamed because it isn’t the first time I do it. So I feel like a liar, unworthy to come before God and want to bury my face in the ground.

David’s acknowledgement of God’s presence resonates with what I experience at the moment:

“7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

There’s nothing to be hidden from God’s sight. Everything is clear as it is day. There’s no point in hiding my sin from Him. But at the same time I’m ashamed to come with dirt in my hands and have to look into His loving eyes and see not anger but forgiveness there.

The Spirit has convicted me. We learned together during devotion that Jesus is the Ruler of our life. He is omnipotent and sovereign. None is like Him. He is the PERFECT masterpiece. Jesus needs not try to reign for He DOES reigns. He simply IS. On the contrary, I, with my human nature, tend to obtain the rights that I shouldn’t have. I try to sit on the throne myself. It feels GOOD to have power, to get what I want, to have ALL the attention to myself and to not be responsible for any consequences of my words or deeds. It feels GREAT to pamper myself.

Hence, failed the angel.

But since NOTHING can be hidden from God’s sight, should I continue to be ashamed and blame myself? Though God has all the rights to judge human, He chooses not to condemn us. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Every time I read or hear this verse, I have to breathe a sigh of relief and give thanks to God. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus! We, robed in Jesus’ blood, are permitted the entrance to God’s sacred area. No matter how guilty I feel, but when I ask anything in Jesus’ name, I know He will answer.

That leads to the 1st thing I’ve been learning from God – Abiding. To abide means to stay hooked to, to remain, and to keep free of obstructions. The Father is the Vinedresser, Jesus is the Vine and I am the branch. He is saying, “I am the One hooked to the source, the nourishment, not you!” When I remain in Him, I acknowledge His full authority and the submission of self will naturally follow. I need to stay clean (confess my sins), close (spend time with His words) and obedient (do what He says) to God. Abiding is active, not passive. It is a choice to make.

Yet the verse doesn’t end there. Paul continues by saying, “…,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” We, though accepted and loved by God, MUST NOT take advantage of His grace. One all-time-favorite question for new believers is, “If our sins are forgiven by God, then what’s the point in not sinning?” Aha, repeat this verse with me, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) Jesus Himself told His disciples that, “no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskin.” Whatever reasons we may have to go back to the old way, leave them! Our old life doesn’t fit with the better things Jesus prepares for us.

I know it’s easy said but hard to be done. Yet nothing is too difficult for God. Remember that by abiding in Christ, we have come half way through. When we live by the Spirit, we bear much fruit. Notice when Paul said “the fruit of the Spirit”, he uses it in a singular form. Thus it means that when our life is in tune with the Spirit, this fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) will consequently show. Galatians 5:24-25 says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

The 2nd thing I’ve gained is about surrendering & trusting. There are many areas in my life I reserve only for myself. I’m sure many of you go through the phase when the person you trust most is yourself. It may be the time when you apply for college after 12th grade or when you patiently wait for a sign that he/ she may be interested in you or when you have your wedding planned out or when you reserve a room at a romantic resort for your 50th anniversary. You have expectation. You want it to go as planned. You don’t want to be disappointed.

Yet sometimes when life takes its full swing, you somehow find yourself on the floor, defeated. There’s the letter of rejection in your mailbox. The guy/ girl you’re interested is now dating with someone else. Your wedding is called off. The 50th anniversary is turned into a funeral because of cancer.

Who then can we turn to in those unexpected moments? When life is OUT of control, what do we do?

I was fretting about something the other night. I was furiously scribbling stuff I wanted to do down if I could have my way. I chewed on my pen. My mind was reeling. My heart was restless. When I finished writing, I started to read what I wrote. It made no sense to me! A voice came to me asking, “Where is God in all these things?” I was so worried that I couldn’t lay it down at the altar. I refused to let Jesus take the load from me.

So I prayed for God’s forgiveness and lifted the worry before Him. Needless to say, the weight was gone. It was such an incredible feeling…like there’s nothing in the world that I can’t do…if you know what I mean.

Surrendering, I realized, is rewarding but it’s a work one must choose to do everyday. There are many other areas I’m still holding back from Him. And I know that they must be dealt with sooner or later. It isn’t an easy gain but once it’s done it feels GOOD.

Lastly, the 3rd lesson is about wrestling. Not any normal wrestling match. It’s a life-changing, breaking-me-and-making-me-new kind of wrestling with the Supreme Creator. I don’t know about you but I, personally, have a struggle that I find it almost impossible to overcome. Every time I’m tempted, I can do nothing else but yield to the temptation. One day I told God I won’t ever do it again then the next day I’m caught red-handed.

Wrestling with God is a life-long work. The more God’s word is engrained in my heart and the closer I am to Him, the more effort Satan uses to lure me away. It knows my weakness and it gets to the right spot every time. When I give in, I can hear a mocking laugh and a sneering voice saying that I’m as cheap as dirt.

But the Lord promises that He “will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)

This wrestling match with God requires determination, persistence and forgiveness. Jacob was wrestling with “the man” until daybreak and he wouldn’t let go until he received the blessing. Eventually at daybreak, the man said to Jacob, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.” (Genesis 32:28) I love the last part, “…and have OVERCOME”. I’m not battling in vain. There is a hope that when I persevere and stand for what is right; I will see God “face to face”. And there’ll be no shame on that day.

On a quest to heaven, we, pilgrims, will have to go through many roads and valleys. But when we are faithful to the end, we will see the glorious light shining before us. We will quickly forget the pain, suffering and tears because there in front of us is the radiant Jesus robed in beautiful garment holding out the crown of life to us who persevere.

My Heart's Yearning

"Since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken,

let us have grace, by which we may serve God."

Hebrews 12:28

God is a God who opens the door and waves His hand, pointing pilgrims to a full table. His invitation is not just for a meal, however. It is for life. An invitation to come into His kingdom and take up residence in a tearless, graveless, painless world. Who can come? Whoever wishes. The invitation is at once universal and personal.

- Max Lucado

And the Angels were Silent

I'm listening to this song "How Deep the Father's Love" right now...and I could see Jesus' face coming up smiling at me. I feel so inadequate...so humble...because of His unconditional love. Even though I sin and turn away from Him, He is forever unchanging. It makes me shameful of how I've treated Him. I said I will stay clean, close and obedient to Him but when something comes along the way and tempts me, I somehow forget what I promised to Him.

I love God...I do...with all my heart. But a lot of times, lots of frustrating times, my desire wins. How I yearn to be rid of the sinful nature for good!

Yet because of His forgiveness, and only because of it, I can be unashamed. Please pray for this spiritual warfare within my heart. I know Jesus has already won the battle but denying myself everyday and taking up the cross IS difficult.

"Oh Lord, please forgive me for my disobedience and for putting myself in a place where I shouldn't have. Thank You for Your blood that washes away my sins. Jesus, I have no desire to take any advantage of Your salvation. I don't want to cheapen Your grace. Please accept this broken heart. Father, You promised that when we humble ourselves and pray and seek Your face and turn from our wicked ways, You will hear from heaven and forgive our sin. Help me, oh God, to be a living sacrifice for You. That people will see You through me.

Thank You for loving us, mankind, so dearly that You should come and die on the cross...to endure the searing pain so that we may have life. God, I commit myself into Your hand. Though the world turns its back to me, I will continue to follow You.

You know that I love you...I DO."