Soul surrender

"Lord, although I long to be in heaven with you, please do not take me away from this world yet. My life hasn't yet been complete. I won't be complete without my husband."

It's one big dream for most of the girls - to be married, to deeply love someone and be loved as equally in return. It's one of mine as well. Only recently did I start to doubt if God would ever answer my prayer on this matter. Year after year, I waited and asked persistently but no answer came. Does God even hear my cry?

When I was younger, I thought like a child..but as I'm turning 25, I see it more with a mature eye. This isn't a sensitive girl's daydream but a battle to be fought with fierce strong will.

Paul said, "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinth. 7:8-9) When I read this passage, such mixed emotions came across my mind..."how could Paul suggest such thing?!"...then, more reluctantly, "would this be God's answer to my prayer?" '~' I was in shock.

Slowly, a pale light began to seep through - the priceless jewel in a relationship with God isn't about what I get but what I become. When I ask Him for something, I approach Him like a stubborn child...asking blatantly, banging His chest, throwing myself on the floor, crying or shaking fists at His face. But a determined Father who knows better would not yield to His daughter's will, not yet anyway. In His book "Prayer" Philip Yancey said, "The real value of persistent prayer is not so much that we get what we want as that we become the person we should be."

God wants all of me...my life, my heart, my soul, my desire and my love "for in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are COMPLETE in Him, who is the head of all principality and power." (Col. 2:9-10) I think what He's challenging me at the moment is, "Would I be willing to drop EVERYTHING including my desire to be married to follow Him if He called me so?" And with tears rolling down on my face, a heavy sob in my chest, teeth gritting, I will have to say, "Yes, Lord. You've got my all."

When our whole being is ALL for Him, everything ELSE is a gift, including a husband as well. Instead of painstakingly searching for "somebody", it's best to patiently and lovingly wait on the One whose love redeems all the longing souls and whose beauty captivates all hearts in the world. I'm departing from the grip of the flesh and returning into the embrace of the everlasting.

"Jesus, take me into Your arms. I've found it at last - the gift of waiting on You. Father, I'm back into Your loving arms again. I'm ready now for whatever You'll use me for. I believe that one day You'll take my hand and bring me to the love I've been waiting for. But for this time and for the rest of my life, I'm content to be with You."

Christmas rant

It's another cold night in December. And Christmas is just around the corner. Usually, I would be so busy that I would have no time to sit down and write this note if I were in Bangkok. My lifestyle has changed since I moved up to work in Chiang-Mai. I've got more time to be with myself and do things whenever I want and whatever I want without having anyone to check on me. Maybe it's a little too much.

Each Christmas, there is always different message from God to me. Normally, it's all about joyous feelings...celebration, you know, with family and friends...sitting around a table laden with yummy food and dessert...soaking in the beauty of the lights and decorations...listening to Christmas songs...laughing...playing games...opening up presents. Good times.

This year, well, the story is a little different. I am 870 kilometers away from the ones I love. I've got all my time and resources to do fun things but without family and friends...it hardly means anything. I am not anywhere near being happy since there're things to think through and struggles to fight with. Loneliness is my faithful company, and I hardly feel lonely anymore.

Sounds bitter and resentful, hey? I know.

That's one new thing I've been learning this past while - that Christmas includes EVERYONE. And if you read another of my "rant" below, you might catch a bit of glimpse of what I'm trying to say, who I am and how I feel right now. I know that there's nothing worth in me to persuade you to read this. Why would you wanna read something from a depressed person anyway? But if you don't have anything to do, and don't mind this writing, then I hope that the message would give you something to think about...

Merry Christ-mass

"A drug-addicted 24-year-old girl crouching in a dark corner of the room, alone...unnoticed…
A fragile 8-year-old boy fighting with his last breath in a hospital, miserable...hopeless…
A lonely 75-year-old lady with her cane in an elders home, abandoned...unimportant…

Christmas – what does it mean?
Loved ones? Delicious meal and dessert? Lights and presents?
What if these people don’t have one? What if they can’t afford it?
Will Christmas mean anything to them?

Thinking of those who are shivering out there in the cold…
Thinking of those who are alone…
If Christmas is about what’s listed above…
It would be just another day on calendar…

Take a minute to ponder what Christmas means to you…
Jesus was born in a stable, cold and dark…
He was acquainted with sorrow and homeless most of the time…
Jesus isn’t only here for the rich and happy BUT also for the poor and brokenhearted…

While we celebrate,
Let us remember the lowliness of the manger and the humiliation of the cross –
The sacrifice that brings peace and joy."

Mink

"Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised,
and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:1-5

A psalm to the Creator

Heart shatteringly broken. Tears streaking from my eyes.
Hopeless and lost in the wilderness of pain.
Can anyone hear me? The little voice in the wind.

Gasping for breath. Choking for air.
Helpless and dying in the desert of despair.
Can anyone see me? The small grain in the sand.

Oh Lord, why I see nothing when I lift my eyes to the hills?
Why the vast unknown and darkness shadow over me?
Why so when Your promise says that’s where my help comes from?

Mighty God. Beautiful Savior.
Hope for sinners. Throw Your arms open wide.
Glorious King. Loving Father.
Wonderful Author. Hear my cry.

Though the sky darkens and the world may fall;
Though I lose my sight and have no will to keep on;
I will run to You for I know Your love endures
No condemnation from the One, the Living God

Though the sea dries up and the mountains crumble;
Though I may be found alone with tears overflow;
I will sing praise to You, I will rejoice in You
For You are good and You are God.

Heaven's Ground

“As humans we tend to focus on the immediate. Yet all the while, God is orchestrating the entirety of our lives, using specific details, specific people, specific circumstances, specific words. We tend to look at one piece of the puzzle, while God sees the whole picture as well as the detailed specifics within each piece. We see things in black and white, while God sees things in panoramic color.” John Hull and Tim Elmore from Pivotal Praying

Last night, I was watching the sky from my room around 9 o’clock. Since I’m on the 3rd floor, it is much closer to the heaven’s ground and I could see things clearer. As I searched the dark blue canvas, I was struck at how God’s mighty hands are still moving. The clouds were lazily rolling, the cold silver stars were glittering, and the colors were painted in different shades.

It was a comforting reminder to me that even though all of the things in this world go wrong, He, who is existed, has already drawn out the plans for our lives. And we just have to be submissive to His will by being obedient. While we’re performing the tasks He’s given us to do, we’re assured that God is actually the One who carries out those plans for His glory. I love the chorus from a song called “In Me” by Casting Crowns .

“Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me”

When we’re suffocating from the polluted sinful world and being caught in the whirlpool of busyness, it is the time God demands us to lift our bowed head up and inhale deeply the sweet fragrance of His love.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

H-O-M-E

When I was young, when someone talked about home, my mind would suddenly picture a big white house with orange roof, an apple tree and a swing at its side. It's said that sometimes children's drawing speaks louder than their words. As a child, every time I drew a picture of home, in spite of different backgrounds (sky, mountains, beach, etc.), it'd always include a house, an apple tree, a swing AND 3 people.

As I grew up, the definition of home has changed from time to time. To me, and likely most of the people, home is where your heart dwells. Though I might be living in a shack or in a deep jungle, I could be home if my heart is there. Where is my heart at the present?

I'm not sure if heart and intimacy are the same, but at least there seems to be some related connection between these two words. One thing I'm strongly certain about, though, is that there can be heart and intimacy when one is engaged in another person's life.

Intimacy is defined as a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group (www.dictionary.com).As I've sojourned on this life of Christianity, I've experienced a lot of defining moments where I feel like home: munching the still-hot homemade cookies with friends, sitting cross-legged on the floor with children drawing pictures or playing games, laughing over the delicious Chicken and cashew nut at Mr.Sombats', snuggling in my mom's arms though it is 32 degree outside, fighting over a toy with my sisters, cleaning GES 2nd floor at 3 in the morning with the girls and almost nodding my head off while watching my friend washing her bathub, lying on my back while seeking warmth for my feet under my friend's cool feet under the cold starry night, getting so squished in a taxi that there was almost no space for air, discussing deep in bible study for 3 hours or simply worshipping God without any musical instruments. The list could keep going on. One thing I notice in all these things, again, is there's ALWAYS people involved.

My heart is in the people whom God created. It is where my home on earth is. Those memories, though not fancy or exotic, are the places where intimacy with another living soul was created. Paul Brand, a world-renowned orthopaedic specialist and leprosy surgeon, "expresses the guiding principle of his medical career this way: ' The most precious possession any human being has is his spirit - his will to live, his sense of dignity, his personality. Though technically we may be concerned with tendons, bones, and nerve endings, we must never lose sight of the person we are treating.'" (Soul Survivor by Yancey).

God sent His Spirit to be among His people. In you, in me, there is the heart of the Sacred Love that nothing in this world can seperate us from. I now begin to see a glimpse of the eternal home as my heart is entwined with His people's spirits. One of the most untalented gifts I have is drawing. And if you ask me to draw a picture of home again, it'd probably still be the same with the plain-looking white house with orange roof, an apple tree and people - only that it'll not be just 3 people anymore but it'd be added to 10, 50, 100 or even 1,000.

Mink

"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love." John 15:9-10 (The Message)

Little by Little

A lot of times, as busyness has become a major part of my day, I tend to forget the main purposes of life. The initial passion for others died down while my selfishness increased. How pride and self-pitiness are the perfect mixture of a soul's destruction!

I've been inwardly suffering from the mentally paralyzed state. Before I came up to work at Compassion, I seemed to be one of the "key" people who was trusted to be involved in critical matters. I was there to help others, not to be helped. Somehow God has recently flipped my script upside down.

It's been very frustrating to me that I'm not in the place where I can do things as conveniently as I used to. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm partly paralyzed. Everyday as I watch my professional co-workers perform their tasks, I can't help but feeling envious. Though it seems forever to me, it has been nothing but a month and a half since my first day with this organization. While other people are harvesting, I'm just beginning to learn how to plant.

Sigh.

God has His ways to discipline His children. Beloved we are, yet He'd rather choose the hard way. Undoubtedly, that is an act of love. My friend, Heidi Peters, and I used to choose the way to express our love by slapping each other on the back. Sillyness? Yes. But every time we did that, I always walked away feeling happy, and more importantly, loved. Maybe this isn't the best analogy of all, but I think our Father doesn't neglect this strategy either.

Sometimes we need a good "slapping-on-the-back" from God in our daily life so that we may not forget who we are and what we are here for. Some of us may aggressively pursue achievement in the fast-pacing world whereas to some time may have stopped long ago and they just doggedly labor only to feed their empty stomach day by day.

What would life matter then if we let ourselves be consumed by the ways of the world? He really had a big slap for me this past week. And though I don't claim that I'm enlightened, my eyes seem to glimpse the revealing motive more.

I'm pushing myself too hard.

There's no need to be able to run while you are still tumbling.I guess it's in my very own nature. Mom told me that when I wasn't even a year old, as soon as I could stand up, I'd just shoot off to the other side of the room and ran hard into the wall. It was too soon. Look at babies, they don't stand right up and race. Naturally, they take their time as infants learning how to sit, crawl, stand and walk. It's very foolish of me to think that I'd be able to run as fast as everyone now when I can barely plant my feet firmly on this ground.

It's a lesson of humbleness and perserverance. Step by step. Little by little. Day by day.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
Whose confidence is in Him."

Jeremiah 17:7

Beauty

This morning, while I was sitting in church listening to the soft wind whispering outside (I know that I was supposed to pay attention to sermon...but...), my eyes came to behold the beauty of the arranged flowers in a basket. They were of orange, red, pink and yellow colors and of different shapes and styles. Laying aside the bouquet was a plate of grape-wine cups with 3 violet orchid flowers as a "decoration". As the congregation started singing, I couldn't shift my gaze anywhere.

Simple they were, the beauty of the Most High were gracefully displayed to the eyes of a sinner like me.

Though disoriented and out of place, His assurance to me will always be the same, "I AM in control". Though the earth may crumble or the sun be darkened, the same Voice that called me 5 years ago will always say, "You are My beloved, My creation. I will always love you because I do."