Enough

"Why do I keep wanting?" is my biggest question in my life? Why am I not satisfied in what I have, where I am and who I am created to be? The words from the song called "Enough" has been playing in my mind recently, and I have been pondering about it a bit.

The definition of "ambition" that I got from dictionary.com is "an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment:..." And as I grew up with my dad, who was a businessman, one of the teachings he told me was to "aim high, reach higher and succeed."

When I was young, I joined the taekwondo club, which finally me and my sisters ended up playing for the team for a few years. To say, it was something that I didn't really love, but it was fun to be around friends and fellow atheletes. I wasn't really good at it. Whenever we had a tournament, the highest medal I got was mostly silver. However, we were taught never to give up when the eyes of the whole stadium were watching at us, and while the time was running unless we got seriously injured. No matter how exhausted i was, i needed to keep kicking, playing along the plan until time was up. To be honest, it was something I struggled with the most. I was not, and am not a fighter. However, when the whistle was blown, I felt both succeeded and burdened at the same time. Succeeded because I could win over my physical and spiritual weaknesses, but burdened because i knew that next round was coming up and the fight with my own self would start once more. Somehow, at the end of the match, when a speaker announced the winners' awards, I felt honored, proud and succeeded.

When I grow up, after my dad's death, one of my ambitions is to have a bachelor degree for both of my parents. It is something they never had in their lives. My dad only got a certification from some kind of a trade school (somehow, after he got married with mom, he saught for more knowledge by attending language schools, joining clubs, etc. He was a learner.) and my mom didn't even finish her sixth year of primary school at all because her family had to move somewhere else, and they were so poor during that time. So briefly i have inherited this kind of pressing ambition that my parents couldn't have in their own time, and honestly i want to accomplish it.

Yah, i'm fighting with ambition in my life, yet what the Lord has for me is a complete different story. I might not give the best definition of ambition well, but here's what i am strugglign now: what i want, i try to do it in my "own" way but not the Lord's way. And it turns out in a disaster. I want to be paid attention at so i try to act in somewhat not my own self at all. I want to go on a trip so i work myself to bone (that's what my friend said) to get money, which was eventually spent in something more necessary. So i just thought that it's good to have ambition in life, but if used in the wrong way, it ends up in self-centeredness and making a wrong turn on the path of God's will. What He has in store for me is more than enough...

Enough by Louie Giglio & Chris Tomlin

You are my supply

My breath of life

Still more awesome than I know.

You are my reward

Worth living for

Still more awesome than I know.

And all of you

Is more than enough for

all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with your love

And all I have in you is more than enough

You're my sacrifice

Of greatest price

Still more awesome than I know.

You're my coming King

You're my everything

Still more awesome than I know.

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me.

More than all I know

More than all I can see

You are more than enough for me.