Cry of the Lonely

"Being surrounded with familiar faces,
My heart is yet shatteringly broken inside with this stabbing loneliness.
Being wrapped around in the shadow of night,
The intent gaze still keeps eyeing on me tight.
Running away from the painful truth that is chasing after my cry.
Inwardly screaming for the help I thought I'd never find.
Are You here as promised?
Oh-Lord, do what you think is best."

The visa story and my ex-nanny

I went to the embassy this morning...and it was very intense. I've never thought applying for visa would reck my nerve so much like this. This has been a very long process indeed...and thanks to all of my friends who have been faithfully praying for me...I can endure the struggles.

The music from my cell phone rang when it was 6:30. I sleepily dragged myself out of bed and got a shower. Another day of my life....tiresome. I was finally ready at 7:30. Without a thought of finding something to munch on the way, I unwillingly left home. Calling to God seemed very urgent and important right then when I felt so desperate and helpless. I was scared. I had no clue what would lie ahead at the embassy. And i would give up the whole dream of going to Canada if this was not God's will.

Everyone knows how I hate formality and practicality. I would slack until my last minute to get my works done. I would suddenly feel sick when someone hands me a stack of paper full of ABCs and there's no picture in it. I am a HUGE procrastinator. But God has enduringly taught me to "grow up". There is no "mummy" to call for anymore since I stepped out of the "teen age" and entered the twenties (A little stop here, by this i mean it's my own business i need to deal with...not that she's gone). There is no more present protection, whom I could turn for a soothing hug, when I am turned down or scolded by strangers. I'm ON MY OWN. I need to be mature.

So let's come back to my embassy situation. When I got to the building, where Starbucks and Au Bon Pain are friends w/ "cool businessmen", I, an uptown girl, walked straight into a bank to buy the cashier cheque. Then I flew up to the 15th floor by a small tricky box called, "lift". Now once I got there, my stress level reached 90 degree...a little bit more and i'm sure i'd explode. There were 10 more applicants to go, so I pulled out my documentations and check again and again and again just in case...When my queue number was called, my heart was pounding so loud that i'm sure a lady sitting beside me could hear. I handed in my papers to the lady officer, who sat behind a big glass window looking like she hasn't had her "go" for 2 days. After a moment of stressful silence, she finally spoke up. "Your visit is during the school year eh?" I said yes. "Then you need your school transcript. The student certificate is not enough. No one will listen to your reasons...not enough proof." While I was managing in my head what those words meant, she shot at me w/ her last remark, "Do you understand? Come back later when you have your transcript".

And that was it.

So shocked as I was, I unconsciously walked out of the office not knowing what to do next. But one little voiced said that I needed to come to school....for what reasons I had no idea just yet....so I obeyed. And here I am...sitting in front of the computer screen feeling like I'd better make a move.

Sometimes we just think that God is like a nanny. We turn to Him for help only when we are desperate and helpless. Then when we get what we want, we just carelessly say thanks and ran away for some fake beauty or fun. Now I learned that He is more than that. He is the one whom all must fear and be trembled because He is the Lord, the Righteousness, the just Judge and the King.

Do pray that I'd learn more about fear and obedience, love and reliance, faith and trust. "Whatever the outcome may be, I will daily trust you, Lord."

A time for everything...

"From this weak, broken-winged sparrow,

You have made it to be a strong eagle with the hawk's vision.

From this bruised, trampled rose,

You have made it to be a fresh, beautiful, delightful sunflower.

From this abandoned, lone scarecrow,

You have made it to be a lively, beloved human who breathes....

I am not the same anymore.

You are the ozone amongst the polluted air,

The sun at the dawn which gracefully gives warmth,

The lovely bright morning star,

The mounting moon in the blanketed night,

The oasis in the vast desert to the parched-throat,

And the rainbow after the rainstorm."

This is my true sincere expression towards my spirituality throughout the time I've been adventuring the world with God. There are times when everything seems to be crumbled down and all dark. But there are also times when the Divine intervenes and my teary eyes are able to see the path clearly again. I know I am not a writer nor a poet...but this I wrote to praise Him, to honor Him, to glorify Him and to thank Him...the Lord God almighty...the One who took human flesh and endured all things so that we are saved.

"Jesus, I love Thee".

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, And a time to heal;

A time to break down, And a time to build up;

A time to weep, And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, And a time to lose;

A time to keep, And a time to throw away;

A time to tear, And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;

A time to love, And a time to hate;

A time of war, And a time of peace."

Ecclesiates 3:1-8

In the remembrance of the amazing Grade 2

Man! Second Graders are the coolest, funniest, brightest kids ever! There are 24 of them altogether and each of them is so unique. Today we went on a field trip to "Siam Ocean World" together, and it was a blast! To many people's eyes, they might be loud, wild, demanding but to my eyes they are smart, quick to learn and bright! (though sometimes i need to confess they aren't like that.) This is the picture taken on Halloween's day. People were supposed to dress fancy. Here we have a witch, a baseball player ghost, a bloody monster, a satan, a skeleton and a cat woman, our homeroom teacher - Miss Jenelle.

This is Seven, the funny, waggly boy. He is such a creative person. He loves to innovate things out of his scrap paper. lol But he is amazing. He cracks us up all the time with his innocent face and naivety. Today he has been all about a "managing my pocket money" person. He had 200 baht (that's quite a lot of money for a second grader. when i was 8 i got 50 baht at the most.) for his shopping. After he bought a drink or a snack, he would take out all of his money and counted how many baht he had left. So cute. And the thing that made him upset the most was that the souvenir shop gave him 10 baht change instead of 30 baht. And he loves coffee. Shocking!

Momae and Mind-Girl. Cuties. Mind-Girl is really smart. You could probably compare her to Hermione, Harry Potter's friend. In class, I always see her hands shot right up waiting eagerly to be picked to answer the questions. And she always gets dressed up beautifully when there's a big event. Momae...such a blessing to me. She used to be in esl2 but her improvement, to my eyes, was really big. It turned out that she didn't have to take esl2 anymore for the 2nd semester. She loves to tickle people and grab my bum. Today she told me, "Miss Mink, you have such a cute bum. Why?" My word...why like this? lol

Jenelle, the beautiful and devoted Grade 2 teacher. Thank God I've been asked to help her out. She loves reading, working out, shouting "QUIET!" to her students, watching chicky movies, listening to audio books, Louie Giglio, Som-Tum and chicken. Sad day, she will be leaving on April 5th but it'll probably be a happy day for so many others at home. Jenelle, You ROCK! I love you so much. You are an amazing, magnanimous teacher!

And the girl beside her, Heidi D., a sweet, gentle girl with beautiful sincere smile. Cracks me up all the time because of her thai. lol (Sorry, Heidi. Didn't mean to offend you.) She has such a respectful effort to learn this foreign language which she'll probably never be using it...but who knows. And to be honest she is pretty good. Eh?

Six crazy days...

Six more days of school left at GES. What a blast! It'll surely be packed with a lot of parties, field-trips, games and goodbyes. But I'm not going to be here in Nonthaburi when these things happen because I'm going to Chiang-Mai and other northern provinces with my school for the whole week! Leaving Tuesday and coming back Saturday. Oh time is running short and there're so many more things I want to do...so many people I want to get together before leaving.

It is the time that I have to confront every year. Departing. Leaving memories behind. Future. Hug. Tear. Hope. Love. Someone said to me long time ago that, "To leave is to meet". It is true. It's been an invaluable year of struggle, relying on God, friendship and love. Precious treasure you can find nowhere else.

Wait

It has been almost a whole month, I guess, that I haven't put anything up here at all. Wow...w...I can't believe time has flown by so fast! My teaching at NCA was over for almost 2 weeks now. There are only 2 and a half weeks of school left at GES. And my summer school at college will start pretty soon too. Oh, time never waits for anything. At a moment I thought I would bore myself to death because I didn't have anything to do, but a swift moment later when I look at myself again, there are too many jobs in my hands! What a crazy world! lol

Last two weeks, I got to go to Hua-Hin with a group of teachers. It was such a refreshing time for me. And I will post stories and pictures up pretty soon. But today I just want to welcome you to this Russel Kelfer's prayerful thought through his poem - WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, lovingly, I cried;

quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for clue to my fate…

and the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘Yes’ a go-ahead sign

or even a ‘No’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, Dear Lord,that if we believe,

we need but to ask and we shall receive.

Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry.

I’m weary of asking, I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly I learned of my fate,

as my Master replied again “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair defeated and taunt,

and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting….for what?”
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

…and he tenderly said, “I could give you sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek, and pleased you would be.

You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in me,

when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You’d never experience the fullness of love,

when the peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give and I save for a start.

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask,

from an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,

when it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss, if you missed what I am doing in you.
So be silent my child and in time you will see,

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though my answers seem terribly late,

my most precious answer of all is still….wait.”

My friend, Kristin, shared this to me a while ago. And it suited me perfectly during that time. I am not going to say anything because these words have already spoken for me. When you are in the midst of confusion, your eyes are blurred with tears of anger and frustration, remember this God who knows you even before you were born and who loves you so dearly.

Seek and ye will find...God provides more than you can imagine.

Mink ^-^

Battling Soul

Since the morning, the air has been so beachy. Not too hot nor too humid. That gracefully calms my soul, and i thank God for a break from heaviness of weather. I've had quite a quiet day, and it is actually nice. Sometimes i feel like being in people's presence and enjoying the time of fellowship, but so many times i do need the time of meditation, the time of pondering and reflection alone with God. And today is it.

These past few days I have been fighting with confusion a lot. One side of my heart is the Holy Spirit's and the other side is Satan's. I wonder how a man, or in this case a woman, can be dwelled by both. The thing is i'm struggling with the concept of love...(oh yeah...valentine's month). I hear a voice gently speaking, "love your neighbors as you love yourselves", but a swift moment later i hear another evil croaked voice saying, "you haven't received anything back since you gave. why would you still want to love?". And oh, my heart so longingly desires to give love unconditionally like Jesus does, but i'm such a lame and crooked spirit that i don't think i'll be able to accomplish that once. Is this a lie of my life? A lie that tells i am not deserved to be a messenger of love and peace for Jesus?

Very well then, my whole being belongs to Jesus, my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer...the Owner of my life, I will never give in to the power of Satan. It is dragging me into its trap, into the dirty lie. I will never stop fighting until the day Jesus comes and defeats all under His feet. Though I will lose my life, i will stubbornly and continually fight for God is my strength, my Stronghold, my Tower and my Cornerstone.

Jesus, You are the Lover of my life. No one shall ever take Your place...though a part within me longs for more.