Freedom

While everything on GES campus seems to fall into the rhythm of peacefulness and quietness, the limbs of my soul are struggling to waddle out of the void of turmoil. Restlessness daily comes knocking on my door. And all i could do has been to welcome it with unwillingness.

Restless to follow God's call eventhough being clueless what it is.
Restless to begin the new journey eventhough the road looks so dark.
Restless to take the adventure with the One eventhough it may be dangerous.
Restless to be free from this worldly cage.

I was watching a movie called, "the Ultimate Gift" the other night. It is about the value of gifts that one can find. One phrase that completely blew me away was, "free to dream". Somewhere along the way, it seems like I have lost my dream. I have dropped it for a while. Then it came to me...Jesus came all the way from heaven to earth to SET US FREE, to give us FREEDOM. It is hard for my limitedness to totally understand the whole concept of freedom; but after all these years I have had with Him, I know that to be free in Him is to wholeheartedly and tremblingly rely on the Redeemer. Oh-yes, I don't even want to believe what I just wrote, yet the truth remains.

Often I have heard people ask, "If God is really almighty and sovereign, why didn't He stop Eve from sinning?" And the answer would be, "Well, because God didn't make us a robot. We were fearfully and beautifully made according to His image. He put mind and spirit into us. And He gives us choices. He gives us freedom so that we may glorify Him through this freedom." And I agree. A lot of people, and even I myself, sometimes try to put aside God and venture on our own. Eventually, I always find myself sitting on the floor helplessly, tears streaming down like waterfall and crying out to Jesus for help.

"I will walk about in freedom for I have sought out your precepts.", said David. There is freedom in Jesus. Be free to dance, free to sing, free to shout, free to think and free to dream. There's this phrase, "Nothing is free in this world", but I'm sure there is when you are in Him.

Mink

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:20-21

Krabi: retreat, refresh and renew

Okay...last night (Sat.) I was working on writing this note about my Krabi adventure. And I was half way when all of a sudden the electricity went out! So...now...i'm typing it all over again.Right now it's 9:35 on Sunday morning. Everything in the resort is quiet and still. There're not many noise around here...only the starting engine of a truck, the buzzing noise of some bugs and the barking of 4 puddle dogs here. Where we're staying is called "Jungle Village" and it's 2 km away from Ao Nang city. We pay 750 baht a night but we are treated like a royal family. We have our own driver who takes us anywhere any time. We have hot shower, a fridge, a cable tv (which somehow doesn't have many english channels...but there's Fox news, Matt!) and an air-con in our room. Outside is a well-taken-care-of garden with green field, palm trees and a swimming pool. It is SO private here.

Yesterday we took a long tail boat to the Railey beach and Tub island with a german family. I have to say that i'm wowed! I mean this trip comes as such a blessing! It came to me unexpectedly. It is such a gift from God.Okay...to give you a bit knowledge...this is my first time to Krabi...and it is also my first time flying in a plane!!!!!!!!!! I was excited, happy, nervous and scared all at the same time. When the plane was speeding up and about to soar, i was too overwhelmed with these feelings that i needed to hold both Heidis' hands. But the flight was WONDERFUL. I'd never seen the world i'm living in in this bird-eye view before. Everything magnificently resounds God's glory and I was in awe. Well...to those of you who usually fly may think i'm an idiot...but...as i told you...this is my first time. The sea of the vast blue sky that stretches out all around me, those bushes of puffy white clouds are GORGEOUS. And when i looked below me, everything that is under the sun was like specks of dust to me...everything that usually overshadows me like mighty mountains or even like a house.

How come I could measure God's sovereignty in such a limited, narrow, humanly way? Oh...sinful nature...Before we left to the airport on Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from my friend, Jason Glass. At the end of his letter he gave me this bible verse from Jeremiah saying, "....is anything too hard for God?" And I had time of reflection on the plane, and i was like...seriously NOTHING is too hard for Him but it's our human nature that always doubts and falls.

Anyway, back to Krabi. Yesterday we went to 2 beaches and i have to admit that it's a total different feeling from Hua-Hin or other beaches that i've been before. This is more natural and still untouched by human's hands. The water is clear turquois, the sand is clean and white and the sky just looks like it's supposed to be....broad blue sky w/o any polluted smog simmering over the edge of the heaven's gate. Me and Heidi D. got to hike around the Pra Nang cave...then we took a boat to another island where i pretty much spent time reading, walking in solitude and getting myself dry. Then we came back to our resort, swam in the pool for a short while, took a shower and drove downtown to have dinner. We ended up eating at a thai-european restaurant. I got Tom Yum Kung that is totally like a farung's taste. No offense, guys, but it wasn't like the spicy soup i used to have AT ALL. It was tasty though. While we're sitting, there's this guy from San Diego named Andrew came to us and asked if he could sit with us. And i was like, "oh-oh...what should we do?" But he looked really decent and there was no evil implication in his manner at all. So we sat talking with him for a while. He was here on the Railey beach when Tsunami hit a few years ago...so he came down to make a movie about that.

So that's pretty much what's going on in my life in the most amazing paradise on earth right now. :) We'll be heading back to Nontahburi, our home sweet home, in a few hours from now. I brought work....but guess what....i never touched it. lol

With love,

The Hungry

This month has been dragging and long.

This week has been a whirlpool of exhaustion and busyness.

This day has been somewhat crazy and draining....

but at this moment...i am quietly content with my still-hot garlic chicken with vegetable on steamed rice...my first meal of the day. :)

Sometimes men and women can be unexpectably demanding.

It may cause someone's sacrifice....Someone's life....so that we would be satisfied. Human is so selfish. I am VERY selfish.

It has been too long thinking of what is not yet done, whirling my mind about the future is not yet come...

As of right now, I will set it aside for a little while. I will finish my "authentic" meal, drink some water and go to church prayer meeting. My soul is crying out for the Bread and the Water as well...

Change or not?

I so wish I was better at organizing thoughts. This is maybe my 5th effort in writing this note after typing and erasing. I want to write something but my capability is so limited. My mind is a mess. My thought is whirling about. My heart is racing. And my brain is somewhat tired even though I haven't done anything that much. What is it within that continually bugs me? It causes such confusion...and...depression, the unwanted gift ever.

Apparently, as one of my friends put me this way, I am a 23-year-old girl, who is about to graduate and scared of life in the upcoming real world. Seriously, I am curious if the world I have been living in somewhat is not real. Twenty two years on this earth I have enjoyed all the fun the world has been giving to me. I do exactly the same things as everyone does on one's daily basis. I get up. I shower. I eat. I go to school. I learn. I play with my friends. I watch TV. I sleep. I take special classes. I travel with my family once in a while. Let's talk about feelings. I am pretty much the same as others. I smile and laugh when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I feel melancholy when I encounter loss. I am confused when there are too many choices.

What, then, does make a difference in the world when I am a year older? Will the world change when I graduate? .......................

I guess I have to admit. Yes. I don't think God created us so that He would be able to sit and play with us like a barbie doll. Life is all about changing. From kindergarten, I moved up to primary. Primary to junior-high. Junior-high to highschool. Highschool to college. And college to........what? I haven't figured that one out yet...but good news...I'm about to. :) I think we were created to "live" and "move on" with life even though we feel stuck. Every decision we make, God allows it so that we may learn how to grow more mature, how to deal with circumstances and how to be responsible of the consequences.

Well, guys, I know many of you have already passed this stage...and you might see me as a frantic, worried college girl. You may as well do that. BUT remember...life is all about changing. Today will not be the same as tomorrow. All I have to do is keep it real. I must not be a coward. I must confront it. I must fight with it. I am not only God's daughter but also His warrior. There is no cowardice in the battlefield or else I lose.

Before end, I would like to let those of you who are wondering what I am up to these days that I will be teaching English for G.10B at GES for a while. I don't know for how long yet. I guess until they know how suck I am at teaching. lol No, no..that's a joke. I decided to turn down the position at Shell company because 1) I feel peace about being here even though I personally feel stuck (I thought working far away would somehow make me move on w/ life) 2) I still want to be around those whom I love...especially when my church is really in need of staff 3) I still want to have fun.

So, briefly, I will be teaching at GES for a while and also helping out at the church at the same time. I don't know if I have made a right choice or not, but I already did. And there is no turning back.

The Beautiful Shore

Right now it is Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 10:23 am. Sitting right here in front of one of the staff room's computer...about to type something in very important. Prior to going any further, I would like to inform you, who knows Manna - the 3rd grader at GES and my beloved little girl at church, that her grandma passed away 3 days ago. And this is what I wrote last night after I got back from the funeral.

"July 18, 2007

Today is the 1st night of Mother Chuanpit's funeral. Since last night, me and some other people were preparing things for the funeral. We ended up staying up until 11:00 pm arranging flowers. I didn't quite look forward to this evening that much. Like everyone knows, two of the things I dislike the most and try to avoid are hospital and funeral. Not that I'm scared of them, but they are a constant reminder of my dad's death. They horrify me at some points.

To be honest, the fact that Mother was dead hadn't quite dawned on me just yet during the day. One of the reasons was because I was being kept busy. But around 4 o'clock when there was nothing for me to look forward to, I started to feel something. It's the feeling that gave me a tickle of pinching pain and emptiness. Though I'm not VERY close to her, we talked a lot. Two weeks ago, some of us even visited her at the hospital and prayed for her health. And she looked okay to me.

I've been thinking a lot...about death, life, possession and the meaning to be alive. I mean...it seemed like yesterday that I talked to her. I still remember her wrinkly freckled pale skin, long crooked fingers, kind gentle loving eyes and her gray beautiful hair. I still saw "life" in her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her talk. Her caressing hands. Her heaving chest. And now...not even her soft breath I can hear.

Days are long but life is so short. We don't even know when will be our time. God alone that is counting our days. Thus, it leads me to this simple question, 'What, then, am I to do with this short life and to make the best of it?' Today during the service, we were singing some songs which all talk about how we are here for a short amount of time. Then when our time is over, we'll be standing on the beautiful shore meeting up with the people I love again.I don't know...it's a joy for me knowing that she is with God now. Maybe she is being wrapped around in His arms, receiving compliments from the Holy One...or she might be standing with Him hand in hand looking at us busying about the things that will not last.

I don't know. But i have to admit...it thrills me just thinking about 'the moment' with Him after I died. I want to know how it feels like to be in awe of Him literally, how would God-the One whom I've been in contact with for my whole life- look, what would I do there...So many things I'm extremely curious about. I seriously can't wait to be with Him.

But then...my human sinfulness struck in...'Mink, you still have a whole bunches of things in your life that you haven't done yet...why would you want to die?' The idea of suffering and death overshadows me.

I fear.

I fear of the pain I would suffer when my whole body started to stop functioning. I fear of darkness and the mystery after passing a world called 'life'. I fear of the moment my breath is being drawn out of me. I fear that I would not get to look into my beloved's eyes again. I fear tht I would feel no more.

Somehow, in this shadow of fear, a light of Hope seeps in. Jesus said, 'Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, you believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.' (John 14:1-4)

In my faith, I know where my soul is going to rest. I may not be wealthy enough to buy a tomb or a burial place for my body to lie in this world but I know that in heaven, my Father's house, my King's palace, there is a place for me unto eternity (read Rev. 21). Jesus is my Hope. God says, 'He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.' (Rev. 21:7)

So back to the question: what am I to do with this short life? It's a question every living soul has to ponder. I might as well answer it in an easy selfish way - to do what God has planned. But tonight, I don't feel it quite right to take this question too lightly. Jesus has given up many things so that I may live and have abundant life here on earth. He has prepared and provided things and places so that I may make use of them. He has allowed trials and hardship to happen so that I may learn and be ready for the real battle even though it breaks His heart.

Well, after writing that...i still can't find the right exact answer to this question (sorry if you expected that I would get it..lol). One thing I do know, though, is that I want to live with passion for Him, my beloved King, and others who are beloved by Him. Life is short but it's such a gift. We are not robots being controlled but we are a living, breathing children of the Father of fathers. To have life is probably the greatest gift of all after Redemption because it means I am here to witness His manifested power and glory.

Because God gives me sight, now I get to see those mighty range of mountains rolling by the green pastures under the starry velvety sky.

Because God gives me breath, now I get to smell the sweet crisp fragrance of the blooming buds, the cool earth in the rain and the mouth-watering smell of fresh baked cookies and the just-brewed coffee aroma early in the morning.

Because God gives me ears, now I get to appreciate the sound of music, the quiet silence at nightime, the flowing water and the roaring thunder.

Because God gives me taste, now I get to enjoy eating all kind of yummy food!

Because God gives me touch, now I get to sense the motherly love when my mom holds my hand while walking me to school, to feel red and hot because my blood goes shooting everywhere when being kissed and to feel the warmth of my friends' bodies when being hugged.

These actually keep me ALIVE. Without these senses, everything is meaningless. Even though the world sees me as an insignificant dead person, I am alive in Him. I trust that God has made me, and each one of us, specially, creatively, spontaneously, beautifully, fearfully and godly.

So what I am to do with this life is to live to the fullest. I will hike up until I could reach the topmost part. I will dive down until I touch the bottom ground. I will fly with His wings to the west and the east searching the mystery of life. And in each step, I will continue to worship my Light. I will praise Him when I breathe in and out. I will cherish the moments I have here by myself or with His people. And I will not be sad when I am to leave this world. Death may scare me but my prayer is that in His authority and sovereignty, I will conquer it! Jesus has victory over death and has shone His light brightfully to the world. I am a daughter of the Light and there shall be no fear.

Hear attentively, my friends. When my time has come, do not grieve because I am gone forever. Do cry because tears are made for this purpose...and because you love me...and I love you. But we reckon that in our Hope shall we meet again on the beautiful shore of New Jerusalem. Do not try to find a place for my body to be laid down on this earth because you know where my spirit shall rest peacefully. Please let the fire consume this worldly possession and let what was left of it flow along in the waves of the ocean and blow with the northern wind.

'No guilt in life. No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, No scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns of calls me Home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand'"

Mink

Teary Goodbye

There is time to meet and time to depart...King Solomon once said that.I have had some heart-breaking moments before when I was younger: for example, when my mouse died or when my dad passed away. Both of those time, I could only stand there witnessing their last breath and do nothing. I also shed a tank of tears hugging goodbyes to my high-school friends on our last day of school. And these past few years, I have stood at the airport waving goodbyes to the friends I love and hoping we would meet again.Yesterday was no difference. One thing I never understand is why...why leaving is so hard for me? I am hurt. I am sad. My heart is broken. I cry. I lose. It is like a cold sharp sword piercing into my soul, cutting out a part of it and leaving me with such raw bleeding wound. Somehow I know it is alright. Everything is going to work just fine again after I can "pass through" the challenge. I have had this before...but...just RIGHT NOW...everything is too fresh and vivid. The memories keep flashing back moment after moment...and they cause my eyes to be red and teary again.Strange but true...though the memories can hurt, I still allow them to sink in and be tucked tightly and securely in the deepest part of my heart...waiting for you all to come back and unlock this drawyer.

Thank you for your smile and laughter. Thank you for the unforgettable moments. Thank you for sharing the real "you" with me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the hope that we will meet again.

And so we shall...

"Father,Thank you for the love of my life. Thank you that you have made them so precious...and that You allow us to cultivate such friendships. I pray that it will thrive and grow in Your love, God. It is such a miracle to be their friends. Please bring your healing to me right now...the wound is still too fresh and raw...and it makes my heart ache and sore. But Your lovingkindness, mercy and grace will make my heart complete again. In You, Jesus, I am made whole again. Thank You for the hope that we shall meet again...either here on earth...or in Your home. Amen."

How to Say Goodbye by Michael W. Smith

"Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterdayAnd I don’t know how
Tell me what could stop this river of tears
That’s been building up for years for this moment now

Here I stand arms open wideI’ve held you close
Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye

Tell me why
Why this following of dreams
Takes you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space
You left behindAnd how to laugh instead of cry
How to say good bye

Here I stand arms open wide
I’ve held you close Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye"

Cry of the Lonely

"Being surrounded with familiar faces,
My heart is yet shatteringly broken inside with this stabbing loneliness.
Being wrapped around in the shadow of night,
The intent gaze still keeps eyeing on me tight.
Running away from the painful truth that is chasing after my cry.
Inwardly screaming for the help I thought I'd never find.
Are You here as promised?
Oh-Lord, do what you think is best."