Overwhelming Love

I just went running out around the school campus on the chillin' breezy night. Oh! What a wonderful feeling to be able to pour out my energy on jogging, breathing the unpolluted fresh air, meditating on every single beat of my heart and thanking God for the quietness of my soul as the tall fur-like trees being swayed by the cooly wind of this silent night!

To be honest, I am not a really durable runner. I usually run for at least 10 laps around the soccer field, (which its size is like your backyard if you've been to GES...haha...). But that's good for my body...at least for now. Then after I felt exhausted, I'd cool down by stretching, doing sit-up and laying down on the ground. Tonight I did the same thing. And while I was lying there lifting my feet and pointing my eyes heavenward, I felt amazingly close to God. It was JUST RIGHT THERE within my reach. Though I was so bugged with wild tropical mosquitoes (yah...sorry that the mentioning of mosquitoes kinda spoils the cooly story), my whole being resisted to move.

Now I just thank God for the joy in my heart for having His love grasping so tightly. He is the trusted Guardian of my spirit, and my soul longs and thirsts for Him.

I feel alive once more...

"As the deer panteth for the water

So my soul longeth after Thee

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship Thee

You alone are my strength, my shield

To You alone may my spirit yielded

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship Thee"

May this song, which was inspired by Psalm 42, be your prayer when your soul is dry and your heart is being cracked. Great is our Comforter. Let our lives be the burnt offerings that please Him, and worship Him.

Picture from: http://www.deanesmay.com/files/deanesmay-starsky.jpg
Picture by Van Goh

Enough

"Why do I keep wanting?" is my biggest question in my life? Why am I not satisfied in what I have, where I am and who I am created to be? The words from the song called "Enough" has been playing in my mind recently, and I have been pondering about it a bit.

The definition of "ambition" that I got from dictionary.com is "an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment:..." And as I grew up with my dad, who was a businessman, one of the teachings he told me was to "aim high, reach higher and succeed."

When I was young, I joined the taekwondo club, which finally me and my sisters ended up playing for the team for a few years. To say, it was something that I didn't really love, but it was fun to be around friends and fellow atheletes. I wasn't really good at it. Whenever we had a tournament, the highest medal I got was mostly silver. However, we were taught never to give up when the eyes of the whole stadium were watching at us, and while the time was running unless we got seriously injured. No matter how exhausted i was, i needed to keep kicking, playing along the plan until time was up. To be honest, it was something I struggled with the most. I was not, and am not a fighter. However, when the whistle was blown, I felt both succeeded and burdened at the same time. Succeeded because I could win over my physical and spiritual weaknesses, but burdened because i knew that next round was coming up and the fight with my own self would start once more. Somehow, at the end of the match, when a speaker announced the winners' awards, I felt honored, proud and succeeded.

When I grow up, after my dad's death, one of my ambitions is to have a bachelor degree for both of my parents. It is something they never had in their lives. My dad only got a certification from some kind of a trade school (somehow, after he got married with mom, he saught for more knowledge by attending language schools, joining clubs, etc. He was a learner.) and my mom didn't even finish her sixth year of primary school at all because her family had to move somewhere else, and they were so poor during that time. So briefly i have inherited this kind of pressing ambition that my parents couldn't have in their own time, and honestly i want to accomplish it.

Yah, i'm fighting with ambition in my life, yet what the Lord has for me is a complete different story. I might not give the best definition of ambition well, but here's what i am strugglign now: what i want, i try to do it in my "own" way but not the Lord's way. And it turns out in a disaster. I want to be paid attention at so i try to act in somewhat not my own self at all. I want to go on a trip so i work myself to bone (that's what my friend said) to get money, which was eventually spent in something more necessary. So i just thought that it's good to have ambition in life, but if used in the wrong way, it ends up in self-centeredness and making a wrong turn on the path of God's will. What He has in store for me is more than enough...

Enough by Louie Giglio & Chris Tomlin

You are my supply

My breath of life

Still more awesome than I know.

You are my reward

Worth living for

Still more awesome than I know.

And all of you

Is more than enough for

all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with your love

And all I have in you is more than enough

You're my sacrifice

Of greatest price

Still more awesome than I know.

You're my coming King

You're my everything

Still more awesome than I know.

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me.

More than all I know

More than all I can see

You are more than enough for me.

You have walked into my life

(My apology for the weird use of vocabulary and sentence fragments...my brain doesn't work so well since i haven't had anything at all today.)

Oh, my...I am so tired. This has been a long day without any food filling my stomach! Why, why, why do I complain all the time? I complain when I have nothing to do, but I still do when there're more than enough in my hands at the same time. Is this a part of human nature or just my own thing? lol Anyway, I'm on my break. Don't even wanna move a limb even though my stomach is betraying my feeling.

However, in all the complaints, I do thank God for the busy day. At least it keeps me focused on the goals of the day or else I'd sit restlessly wandering in my thoughts of something unreachable. Yes, I have been thinking a lot lately. Whenever there is time, which seems to be not as much as before now, I'd sit down trapping myself in my own little world and think...about things of tomorrow, things that seem so far away...think of people who were now history (by this, i'm not replying that they're dead...but they're not present anymore), who have walked into my journey towards eternity, who have become dear people to me and will be gone in a few months...

"Life is a gift" someone said to me, yet it seems so strange...How come people from completely different backgrounds, stories, cultures, spots were brought to meet at a particular, certain place and time? It's just amazing! And only God can do that! I thank God for every single soul He has brought into my life. They might play different roles yet they're parts of His plan to mold me, conform me into His image. I'm being purified so that when I'm tested by fire, what comes out of it will be the shiny sparkling pure gold.

So, I don't know what to write anymore....I just want to let you all know that I miss you...wherever you are, whatever you do...you mean so much to me. And you're the parts that brighten up my life. Thanks for all the prayers, cards, notes, presents, encouraging words, hug, thoughts and love. I cherish them all. Thanks be to God whom have drawn us close and that we've become friends. Thank Him for the sweet, wonderful and adventurous memories i had with you guys when travelled.

"Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiates 4:9-12

"I spent a day in the city..."

"I spent a day in the city in going to visit my friend at her apartment house. It took me 5 hours from where I live to get there. While I drove, I had to turn at every signle corner, pass many street signs, and almost needed to stop at every traffic light. It was a horrible, exhausting ride so I decided to stop at a parking meter. However, to make a matter worse, there was a tornado flew right into where I stopped. Everything on the street by the sidewalk was damaged.

The pedestrians were running wildly, trying to get into office buildings so that they'd be safe from the monster. I was one of them. Unfortunately, I was also one of many witnesses that saw a horrible scene: a freaked-out, running-for-life old man was trying to make his way towards my building. However, he was too short-sighted to see that right in front of him was a big curb. Poor guy, he stumbled over it, and got his head cut open. Thank God, someone's cell worked, and he called for the ambulance. Eventually, I reached my friend's house only to find that she was not home. And that was how I spent my day in this smog city."

That just happened yesterday.......................







:)

If you believed that, you gotta be crazy! First, I can't drive. Second, there was only a heavy storm came into Nonthaburi yesterday, not a tornado. lol This writing was just written when I leisurely joined Angi's class last Tuesday and she told us to write a story out of 10 words we learned together. I don't know how I came up with that miserable story while others wrote about their shopping and business.

Well, just wanna share. lol Good day to you all.

The Greatest Love of Christmas

Finally, i got this time to put some of the pictures from Christmas down. This one is on Dec. 17th, when we had the Christmas Concert Outreach at Big C. It is more crowded and noisier than before because it was almost holiday. (Yah...too bad Thailand doesn't have a long Christmas break like those of you who are from western countries. We have a new year break though.) So, it made us all nervous, but it went pretty well. These are the kids that bravely came up on the stage to play game with us.

After Big C, we drove straight down to Nonthaburi Pier. You may not be able to imagine how we carried all of our heavy and huge musical instruments and needed stuffs such as drums, keyboard, guitar, bass, amplifiers, stands and chords back and forth. Basically, we had 2 pick-up trucks for these things. Somehow, we still needed to carry them from the trucks to where we're gonna play. This picture is before showing. We're seriously starving...waiting for someone to bring food to feed us, planning, getting together and praying.

The concerts went well. We're tired, but we still praised God for that. This is Christmas Eve. It was really cool to be able to sit down and ponder more of what Christmas really means. And to be honest, us, christians, have a little time of pondering because when the event comes we run around like chicken trying to get things done, make things perfect, please people, buy last-minute presents, send cards...and all these craziness. Well, at least it happens to me all the time. When I came to think about it, what a waste of time i spent. So, I made my resolution that this year I'll stop running around, and sit down to listen to God telling me about the meaning of Christmas more. The man in the picture is Pastor Ray(wat). He was preaching about "Why Jesus came down as a man?"

In the evening, my church's christmas banquet, "The Greatest Love of Christmas" began. There were various kinds of shows: dancing from sunday school children, singing from many groups, christmas choir, a skit from youth group, etc. This is the end of our skit. Can you guess who is who?

(From the left: the Star, three wisemen, a girl who seeks the real christmas meaning, shepherds, Joseph and Mary)




A day after, we had this "Christmas Concert" again at a mall nearby called, "Central Rattanatibet". Personally, I was seriously drained, so I was glad it was the last program we'd do after long practicing, preparing, decorating, working. It was pretty cool. Central is totally different from Big C. It is less crowded, quieter and cooler. So, we mainly reached out to shoppers AND the mall's workers, which was really cool. I feel so blessed that God chose all of us in the picture to serve, walk in Him, learn about each other together. We're bound to be brothers and sisters.


Sorry, I can't rotate this picture. Just want to introduce you to my sweet sisters, Mai and Mo. We're standing in front of the mall trying to look like travellers. lol

Well, that was my Christmas story this past year. I pray you all would find the true meaning of Christmas, or in a better way i read from my friend's blog, Christ-mass.

My "self" and my "real self"

Well, yeah...here I am again sitting here and wondering what to write. I believe it happens with almost everyone when your life either is full of remarkable, exciting events and adventures or full of boredom and nothingness. Mine is the latter.

With that said, there were "some" good moments during Christmas and new year, but most of the areas in my life have been taken with confusing, blurry pictures and empty feelings. Days drag on with whole bunches of things going on but I don't get excited with them. I try to get inspirations from books, spiritual people's testimonies, movies, talks or quotes, but what do I need the most?

Truly, I start to get bored in blogging about my boredom in life, my lack of excitement and my emptiness in heart. I start to wonder where God is in my life. Yes, I have been sharing this to many people, and maybe talking it over with some of the poeple, but healing comes so slowly that I wonder it'll ever be healed again. I see family and friends around me busying themselves with their beloved jobs, goals in studying, tendency to be succesful in their lives, adventurous travels...and I get envied. One of my friends here, SaraJane, told me to get a view of a whole big picture in this year, not only a particular small part of the future. And I think it's true. But my problem is I don't see anything at all. (underlined that word "at all") I don't feel like myself. I have been someone else whom I hate, and I want to get out of this self soon! At the same time, with all the burning desire to walk away from this useless self, I feel trapped.

Today I was reading the weekly devotion by Rick Joyner, and the scipture is in Ephesians 2:8-9 which you guys probably know so well. And he was talking about by grace we have been saved. And it is not about deeds that God is fond of us, or else He wouldn't send Jesus down to die on the cross for our sins, but it is our broken and contrite hearts. He has no need of our help because He is the I am, but He loves us and wants the best for us. Somehow, human gets slayed easily because of Satan. The best example of all is Adam and Eve who fell into sins because they'd rather lived life with the knowledge of good and evil than with the fruits from the Tree of Life. And I think that's what I have now. I try to live life righteously, do things on my own so it'd not bother anyone, blame myself and dwell in bitterness while Jesus says He is our righteousness and salvation. He is ready to help me, but I am not willing just yet. I don't know why I am so stubborn like donkeys, but it probably takes sometimes. Some says God takes time with us so that we'd really realize what He has in plans for our lives, and that we'd see His abundant mercy, grace and love clearer. And I hope it is true. I know all these facts and truths, but I cannot just live them.

I'm now reading the book called, "Through the painted desert" by Donald Miller. And I'd like to quote this sentence which totally struck me so hard:

"Life is to be lived, not just gotten through."

(Not the exact quote, but something like this) I really like it, and have been thinking a lot about it. Life is a struggle for me now, and I pray that in some days soon, God'd change this whole gray picture into something colorful and bright. And I'd get my real self back again.