Minkster: Life Is An Eternal Quest

mom

2010-06-05T16:40:00.002+07:00

New Home

2010-06-02T13:45:00.000+07:00

Knock knock! No one's home.

Dear folks, I have moved to a new address. From now on, I will be at http://minkster1984.wordpress.com/

Love,

Mink

My View on Thailand's Politics

2010-05-20T19:46:00.003+07:00

No, I'm no scholar nor a critic. I'm in no way claiming that I truly understand what is happening. Yes, I have read the papers, listened to people's thoughts and watched the news. But I'm not here to judge or to provide intelligent explanation here. This is only my humble opinion, true to my heart, on the current situations ofThailand and how we can react to it. So if this doesn't agree with what you have in mind and causes you to be offended, I sincerely apologize.

As Thailand is a "democratic" country, everyone has a voice and deserves to be heard. Many have been speaking while many others have been consuming the news. My only view, humble but decided, is that the only way possible for Thailand to resume its once-renown fame, "The Land of Smile"..."The Land of Peace" and see no more bloodshed is that Jesus needs to be in every heart and soul, especially the ousted former prime minister - Thaksin.

Now you may be chuckling to yourself or flopping out of your chairs right now as you're bursting into a hysterical laugh and thinking that I've probably gone crazy due to the graphic scenes from TV and the stress that came with watching too much news. Well, try to think with me a little bit...what a change it would be if Thai leaders and all of the people abide in God's law and live with true justice, righteousness, mercy and love! What difference it would make if we ONLY do what God's pleased!

I have been pondering a lot about how this "civil war" can be stopped. And the only sensible answer I get is it has to start from the inner of a man's heart.

Government has tried to resolve the problems with different strategies, which eventually led to the "roadmap"...five ways towards peace...Different color parties have come up with different solutions including the coup, the demonstration and the protesting. There is no right or wrong to it.

Yet...gunshots fired off somewhere...billowing clouds and dancing flames looming over the city...sobbing people mourning over the lost ones.

Bangkok...frustration...anger...hatred...death.

Is this what we, Thais, really want?

My heart has been saddened by the news that many people have lost their lives since the beginning of April. Just as the angels throw a party when one soul gets saved, I believe that they are mourning over the dead...the souls that will be lost forever. And I'm grieving with them. It doesn't matter who they are or what standpoints they are from in the political world, EVERY ONE of them was beautifully created by God and precious to His eye...whether they knew it or not.

Zechariah 7:9 says, "This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.'" I have discovered that true justice happens when people are ready to repent, forgive and show compassion to another fellow human being. Everyone is flawed. We need to come clean before each other. How can you make a room clean if you still hide your junks in the closet or put them in the drawers? We all know one another's mistakes. The point is - deep down in our hearts, we want to start over. But to start over, we gotta have enough gut...enough courage...to admit our mistakes, our wrongdoings.

Jesus taught something radical which I believe, if we dare enough to take up His challenge,will bring peace unto this land.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matt. 5:38-48

I read it from somewhere on one of my friends' facebook quotes and I'd like to paraphrase it here...it goes, "If we keep to the concept of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, then the whole world will be full of people without eyes and teeth!" If you know whose quote this from, please let me know. I love it very much.

All this is to say that this isn't the time to rejoice over someone's death or sneer at the indecisive groups of people. It isn't even time to hold grudges against someone.

This is the time of prayer...the time we all need to stand strong in faith...and intercede for Thailand...the time of forgiveness...and the time of repentance. Let us be decisive on our part that we will be committed to praying for Thailand everyday...that not only this "war" will come to an end...but that Thai people will come to believe in Jesus as their own personal Savior.

Last, I wanna challenge you, Christians and non-Christians alike, to reread the above scripture from Matthew once again...and DO it. Everyone can love those who are nice. But today's dare is for you to love your enemies.

Peace,

When the rain comes, it causes a heart to ponder...

2010-05-16T17:31:00.001+07:00

I am anticipating the rainstorm. It has been unbearably hot and the air feels like desert. Now, after a full month, the sky seems to give in to the thunder a little bit. I could hop on a bicycle and ride home right now. But my heart refused to do so. Why, summer rain is a rare treasure these days.

Talking about rain, we were driving through the mountains 2 days ago. We were on a car sneaking through the windy road of the northern hills. Our driver was ever so patient and confident in his driving that I had no fear at alll. We were surrounded by forests; the teak wood, the flame trees and many other wild plants that I have never known.

Then I saw the first sign of thunder - the hovering dark clouds. My heart almost skipped a beat, not out of fear but of excitement. It may sound weird but I love thunderstorm. It somehow gives me a glimpse of such powerful and magnificent glory of the Creator. The lightening. The whooshing of wind. The swaying trees. The growling of sky belly. Then the downpour of silver rain. More thunderbolt. More flashes of lightning.
I was sitting in the 1st class seat watching the reflection of heaven discreetly rolled out for the eyes of human to see and revere.

Suddenly, the driver slowed down. A huge tree was lying on the road and stopped the traffic in the middle of nowhere. Long lines of cars and trucks were stuck and we were awaiting help from someone...somewhere.
But God was good. The tree could've fallen somewhere else but it fell next to a police station. Things got sorted out very smoothly and in timely manner. A policeman, drenched with rain, was standing and directing the cars to use the dirt trail just beside the road. After 10 minutes, we were through.

God was good. The tree could've fallen on someone but at the moment it fell, no cars were passing by and no one got hurt or else we would've seen it.

It reminded me that despite the circumstances, there is always a way out. As the saying goes, even though all doors are closed, God always leaves a window open for us to climb out. It's just the matter of us having enough gut to do that or not. :)

Now I just can't wait for the real reainy season to come. I can't wait to be running wildly in the storm and getting soaked to the skin. I can't wait to have that sense of freedom and joy running through my blood again. I can't wait to see the earth drinking deep of the pouring rain and producing such lushness of green all over the mountain ranges and fields. I can't wait to witness God's blessings when the rain comes.

Pai

2010-05-03T11:14:00.001+07:00

Well, being in Pai by myself isn't as bad as I imagined it would be. I have a long holiday from Sat-Mon so I decided to venture out here on my own.

The moment I dropped my stuff into the guesthouse's room, I felt like being in a desert. There is seriously no other guests at the hotel except me. I looked forward to swimming in the pool but it turned out that they haven't cleaned it for so long that it turned green and yucky. I pondered my choices whether I should stay until the next day morning and leave or wait to see if I would change my mind. I decided to hear God out.

I was greeted by a warm afternoon sun when I wandered down the street. Pai in the summer is desolate. I have only been here only in rainy and winter seasons thus I was a bit shocked by what I saw. Shops and stalls were closed. No crazy white people with mohawk and pierces. Streets were quiet. I spent my afternoon in a coffee shop where I had lime frappe and iced chocolate drinks plus a plate of club sandwich. Yah, I was starving. Then I went out to rent a bicycle...only to ride it back to my guesthouse.

I'm so thankful there's an ac in my room or I'd die. It's really hot here. Period. But God blessed my evening with a group of Karen people. I was sitting in my room writing notes to people when I heard some noise down by the pool. Curious, I peeked out to see that the owners' friends with their sons came to visit. They were lounging by the pool. What crazy was the two karen boys were swimming and diving in the pool! I was like...this can't be true. So I decided to go down and joined the party.

When I walked down, the father was squatting by the pool with one hand grabbing his youngest son's arm. I wondered why he did that so I asked. He told me that the little boy's legs don't have strength and he can't balance himself well either in the water or on the floor. So, as crazy as it may sound, I went up and changed into my swimming suit so that I could be with the little boy, Tee, in the pool and helped carrying him....that was the only reason I went into the green nasty pool.

But God is good! I had as much fun as the boys did. After we came up from the pool, we were sitting on the floor eating sticky rice, chilly paste and some pork on the sticks. I learned a good deal about Karen culture and laughed at the boys' jokes. Sometimes the blessing of God come unexpected when we aren't looking for it. :)

Today is Sunday and I woke up feeling like my shoulders are gonna come out of their sockets. When you're in the water, everything seems so light...a 7-year-old boy was like a feather...but the truth was for a half and hour I was carrying the 30-kg boy in my arms. No wonder I have shoulders pain at the moment. But I decided to get dressed and went to church. I wasn't sure why I did except that i figured i had nothing to do anyway.

The Associated Churches of Pai was consisted of 15 people or so when I stepped in. I went in feeling a bit out of place but was escorted to sit in the 3rd row of blue chairs. After 10 minutes, i really wanted to walk out. But God held me to my seat. Then out of no where, I began to realize an important truth - that I'm here as a body of Christ. There're many churches all over the world and I am a part of the body wherever i am. When I saw that we function as a global church, a global body of Christ, I was beginning to see a more complete picture of His body on earth.

Anyway, as I was sitting there listening and praying, a man from the congregation went up to lead the Lord's Supper. But he stopped by my chair and asked if I could translate the ceremony into English for a farung man beside me! The 1st thought that came to my head was how did he know I speak English?!?!?! Was it written all over me that I could translate? I couldn't find any sensible reason but that it must've been the Spirit's providence. Thus I was obliged to translate although I didn't want to. For maccaroni's sake, I am on vacation!

But God did this on purpose. And I'm glad He gave me the opportunity to do so. When life is about others, my fleshly desires don't matter that much. However, I'm also thankful that this trip is about me as well as about others. And He's doing a great job at making things balanced here. I'm getting to sit under the sun and enjoy a glass of fruit shake. I get to sleep in an ac room and not sweat my butt off. :) I also got to meet a group of Karen people...and learned more about their culture. God is good.

Now I'm going to turn the computer off, change into my bathing suit and go swim...not at the hotel's pool, of course, but at another place. :) Tomorrow I'll be heading back to Chiang-Mai and will look forward to going to work on Tuesday.

Wherever you are, may the God of peace reign in your heart.

Paddle Power

2010-03-31T10:19:00.000+07:00

With a hard bang of the door and a cholocate chip cookie in my mouth, I shuffled my legs as fast as possible, trying to be careful not to make too loud a noise for the early quiet hour in my apartment, to where my bicycle was parked. I walked towards my bike, instinctively grabbed the key and unlocked the cable lock. I hopped on it and paddled...hard...for I knew I was going to be late for work.

The sun was already high for 8 o'clock in the morning and my sweat broke. Though a bit out of breath, I refused to stop paddling. A minute passed, a lotto lady, out of nowhere, on her bicycle, cruised by...faster than I could ever catch...Then a white guy on his mountain bike flashed by...left me wondering whether I was too slow or they were too fast for a rush hour like this.

It hit me...though the world is moving fast and passing by like a comet falling from the sky, Jesus is at the same pace as I am. He is here...present...with me...always. While I was biking, He was there doing the same thing.

Isn't it a bit out of place to imagine that such Creator would humble Himself to be doing some petty businesses with us when He has the whole universe to tend to?

Yet...it's true. God, the Creator of the universe, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the magnificent, omnipotent Savior, whispers to our ears everyday, "I am with you...to the end of the age".

The question is, "Are we ever with Him? Are we ever present before God?" Caught up in the swirl of life and the checking of to-do lists, our focus is only at the task but not at the One who's given those tasks to us. We're obsessed and consumed by the momentary worldly success/ failure when Eternity has entered into our worlds and offered the everlasting fulfillment - His presence with us, individuals. God is our all in all.

The Lord spoke to the Israelites through His prophet, Isaiah, "But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

He cares for us so much that He has sealed us with the promise of the Holy Spirit. Ephesians 1:13-14 says, "It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit. This signet from God is the first installment on what's coming, a reminder that we'll get everything God has planned for us, a praising and glorious life" (The Message)

We are "signed"..."sealed"...and..."delivered".

Thus, our goal is heavenward...

Unto a praising and glorious life...

Unto eternity...

It's not a bad thing to set up goals in life but don't let them take you out of His path and His everlasting possession.

Focus on God.

Engrossed in His love.

Be ever present to Him.

"God knows where we are. Sometimes we forget this. Sometimes we even feel that God has forgotten us. He hasn't. God knows exactly where we are. So when you are afflicted with those forsaken feelings, when you are on the verge of throwing a pity party, thanks to those desparing thoughts, go back to the Word of God. God says, 'I know where you are.'" - Charles R. Swindoll

Grace like Rain

2010-03-29T21:29:00.000+07:00

It was 1:30 in the afternoon. The sun was blazing over the bald hills. My throat parched and longed for some refreshing water.

Then from afar, I heard slow rumbling sound and dark clouds hovering over the sky...The sign of rain...I quietly rejoiced in my soul...and marveled with the birds and trees...for our hearts knew that the smoke-filled air would be washed away...and...replaced with a new fresh breath.

Drip-drops falling down...and not a minute had passed...came a curtain of silver glass all over the once-dry mountain lands. I gazed out the window...longing to splash my bare legs with heavy dew over the grasstops and throwing myself in the muddy streams...

Shower from heaven poured down to cleanse the blotches of disgrace...the stains of life.

Blood from sinless Savior soaked through the Golgotha's ground to set free the imprisoned souls...and washed us white as snow...

Love...everlasting...even when Your flesh was torn in pieces...

Grace...undeserving...even when You were pulled and dragged across the hills...

Jesus...tortured...crucified...died...

The world became silent as "It is done" echoed...

Veils torn...Hope shattered...

Savior...no more...

Shaft of sunlight on Sabbath morning...

Sobbing through tears when discovered
Only the empty tomb and strips of linen...

With faces to the ground, the angels said...

"He is not here...He has risen."

Hallelujah to our risen Lord and King, Jesus Christ.

"He told them, this is what is written: 'The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in His name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. You are the witnesses of these things." Luke 24:46-48

Another Prayer to the Father

2010-01-02T23:52:00.000+07:00

Oh Father,

My heart is yet broken again. I feel like breaking down my dam of tears so that my sorrow will be drowned in my sobs.

I try to steel myself not to be deeply engaged in someone's life. I try to be ignorant and insensitive so that I won't have to be hurt when they leave or let me down. I try...but it never works.

My nature calls for intimacy with those around me. I tend to get attached with those whom I know. I love to love deeply even when it hurts.

Now I have nowhere to turn to but You. I'm hurt and wounded. Father, I need You.

My love will be wavered...but Yours will remain forever.

Better be a broken-hearted person than never know what love is at all.

Jesus, come and heal my brokeness...please. I need You.

Wait...Again?

2009-12-31T00:02:00.000+07:00

So...Christmas went by...pretty fast.

Here I am preparing for a new year.

God was merciful to send 3 awesome people to me to spend time with over the Christmas weekend. I had already prepared myself to celebrate it alone...so it was beyond what I expected....the gift given to a grateful heart. Thank You, Father.

On the Christmas night, we were sitting by the river and I was asked to name a few things that I'd like to set as goals and accomplish within the next Christmas. I had 3 things I'm planning to get done...but I actually had more than that. There're many more things I want to have or to do; for example, I want a camera, a laptop computer, a shelf to put my books on and a coffee table for my room; I want to travel abroad, see the world with my own eyes and work among the marginalized.

YET God has a different plan. Since Christmas, He's been speaking the message of waiting to me over and over again...so often that it'd be hard to miss that.

Last Saturday, I was trying to run an errand in town. But every place I went was close. I went to get my skirt that i dropped off at a nearby shop 2 weeks ago only to be asked to wait. Seriously, i waited for 2 weeks...you haven't finished it yet? That was totally my thought at that moment. Then I rode my bike to the night bazaar to get my nails done. Usually, i would just waltz in and get started. Well, the place was packed...and it looked like i'd have to wait 10-15 more minutes. So I just went to another place instead. As I was waiting to cross the street, there came a yellow light with the word "WAIT". I was like, "Whoa! Wait a second, God. I think I'm catching on pretty quickly. You don't have to repeat that over and over again like this. It's pretty scary."

How would you feel when you received a message like this at the beginning of the new year? Wait? Again? Surely, a person's patience has to have some limits? Surely, when a new year comes, you'd want to see some changes or signs that you could move on or stop right here...not the word "wait".

Well, God's ways are not our ways. I have resigned to that fact.

On December 26, I was reading Psalm 37...and these sentences stood out so clearly as if the Lord was telling me what I must do:

"TRUST in the Lord and DO good; (3)

"DELIGHT yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (4)

"COMMIT your way to the Lord; TRUST in Him..." (5)

"BE STILL before the Lord and WAIT patiently for Him;" (7)

"WAIT for the Lord and KEEP His way." (34)

All the capitalized words above are the order from God...clearly instructing and guiding me. As I'm entering into a new year, my mind begins to worry about my future; what I'm gonna do next, where I'll be in a year from now, will I ever have a boyfriend. Waiting can be very tiring, challenging, demanding, frustrating and discouraging.

"I don't wanna wait anymore, God!", I shouted.

Then He gently speaks to me through the words above..."Trust in Me. Delight yourself in Me. I will surely give you the desires of your heart. Just commit your way to Me. Be still and wait patiently for Me. Do as I say."

How could you say "no" to a God who's ever so patient like this?

How could you turn away from such loving Father, who has waited for eternity for a soul to find its way back to Him?

And how could you be impatient when you see the Savior enduring the plight of the cross to redeem human from sins?

The Holy Spirit ministered to me and showed me what I am and what I am not.

Waiting is a sacrifice...a pleasing sacrifice before the eye of the Lord.

Waiting doesn't mean sitting around and doing nothing.It means that we lay what we hold dear to Him and offer all that we have and all that we are to the God who's above and beyond our understanding and imagination.

It means giving up something we think is good to gaining something God thinks is best.

How cool it is to start this year with me "waiting". I am half excited and half scared to see what's going to unfold and what He has in store for me as I wait on Him. I'm going to need a real rejoicing time that I can only find in Jesus when my patience comes to an end. God is going to be my only pure joy and delight when I don't get what I want.

On December 27, I wrote in my journal about the time of waiting with my 2 friends before their bus leave Chiang-Mai. We were hanging out in my room...trying to kill the 1 1/2-hour time. One was reading the Bible and the other one giving me a guitar lesson. We did nothing much...but waited. Here's what I wrote in my journal, "I greatly enjoyed that hour of having nothing to do but waiting. You can do so many memorable things while waiting." We sang some good worship songs together. I, personally, felt the Lord's presence among us.

"Waiting isn't too bad."

So...here I'm waiting....and doing my best...for You, Jesus.

A Giant of Faith: "Everything Around Me Proves That God is Real."

2009-11-24T16:42:00.000+07:00

Last Saturday, we were up in Chiang-Dao district visiting TH973, a project that’s working with Chinese and Shan people. In the afternoon, we split into 2 groups to visit some children’s families. Our group went to Patchara’s house. She’s a tiny girl with bright brown eyes. Her family is Chinese. They are now living in someone else’s property, more like “house-sitting” for their cousins. There are 3 children in this family, all registered in the project.

Patchara’s mother is a petite Chinese lady with shy smile painted on her face. She came to Christ through her children. When they come home, they tell her about the stories they have learned at the project. One day, she was given the Bible. She started looking at Genesis 1. She read about all the days of creation and how everything was made in the sight of the Lord. Slowly, it came to her that there must be a God in this world…a God who reigns above all else. She then decided to receive Jesus into her life and has devoted herself to God.

However, she’s the only adult Christian in the family. Those around her are either Buddhists or ancestor-worshippers, including her husband. During our brief time, she told us how she is grateful to be found by God and is alive in Him. But she started choking a little when she talked about her struggles in the community. Through her tears, she shared to us about her being mockingly asked by her neighbors. “Where is God’s love? How do you know it’s there?”, t hey said. Her sincere reply gave a huge lump in my throat. “Everyday I’m greeted with His love. When I rise and see the sun, I know He’s there. Everything around me proves that God is real.”

Despite the physical difficulty and spiritual challenges, she firmly said that she will not waver because she knows that Jesus is the only Way. She also asked us to pray for her husband who is very opposing to what she believes. On the earlier visit (when I went with P.Yui and P.Ying), she told us that her husband threatened to leave her if she didn’t return to the former ways of belief.
Her faith is just rock solid. I was so thankful to be able to meet with a giant of faith like Patchara’s mother. I was reminded of a song by 33 miles, “There is a God”.

There's a beauty to the dawn, a rhythm to the rain

A silence in the soul that I just can't explain

There's a breath of life I breathe, a beating in my heart

A magnificence, a scary sense of what lies past the stars

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be

There is a God; this is the proof

That all around the evidence is speaking the truth

From the center of my soul to the edge of the universe

Creation is crying out believe it or not

There is a God

There's a debt that has been paid, a grace that I've been shown

A hope that I've been given that I have never known

There's a love that conquers darkness a peace alive in me

There's a life that's not just here and now but for eternity

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be that

I believe it; I believe it

There is a God I can feel it; I can feel it

There is a God

And the more I find the less I need to see

I've never been so sure, so sure of anything

Before we left, we were, one by one, shaking hands with her, hugging and whispering thanks to her through our tears. We were there to bring encouragement but it was us who walked away challenged and encouraged.

Patchara's Mother

Patchara's the girl on the right.

I Delight to Do Your Will

2009-11-05T08:53:00.000+07:00

I just finished reading the whole bible, and I'm still trying to figure out what to read next. Should I find a bible study book and focus on that or should I read something like Our Daily Bread? I don't know yet. But today, I opened a daily devotional book, God's Promises, my friend gave me years ago to today's date (Nov 5), I found just what I need. Here's what it says:

"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart." Psalm 40:8

The situation that looms in front of you may seem impossible to overcome in your own strength. It might be the result of your own actions, or you may be an innocent victim, caught in the backlash of someone else's consequences. Whatever the case, we can easily become intimidated, even fearful, and eventually immobile. The only way to move beyond that sort of paralyzing stalemate is to learn to accept and trust God's plan. You release the controls and wait for Him to move.

- Charles R. Swindoll
Paul: A man of Grace and Grit

I'm so cumbersome with loads of work at the moment. We, Yui (my best co-worker I could ever ask for) and I, have a big tour coming up next week. Our schedule becomes so crammed up with the tour's to-do list. This is not to mention other daily tasks I have to handle such as replying daily e-mails, making phone calls, following up with other co-workers for a week-late questions and arranging visits. Somehow my time is consumed with work that I unfortunately have to neglect other important stuff such as keeping in touch with friends or being there for those who need encouragement.

Today's verse gently brings me to my knees. The psalmist says, "I delight to do Your will,
O my God, and Your law is within my heart." Often I automatically do what I'm supposed to do without even thinking why I do it and whom I do it for. Without answers to these 2 questions, all the work in the world is pointless. It's "vanity and grasping for the wind".

So let us find the meaning of our life, our job and our very existence. Why we do what we do? And whom are we doing it for?

Grace and Peace,

Mink

Lions Were Vegetarian

2009-10-12T07:49:00.000+07:00

Well, uh, here's something I got from helping with the Sunday School at church yesterday. My class was age 4-5. There were about 10 kids altogether with 1 teacher and 2 TAs. So it was a very decent class...we got to interact with children more intimately.

A boy named Micah walked in while we're making animal headbands (we're talking about Noah). He quietly seated beside me and started painting. When I asked him to choose which animal he'd like to have, he picked lion. Of course, boys love lions. :)

So, wanting to break the silence, I asked, "Micah, do you know what lions eat?"

Micah: "Well, at the beginning of the world, lions were vegetarian." (??!!

Me (feelin' a bit surprised): "Yeah? Why do you think they were vegetarian?"

Micah: "Coz God created lions to be vegetarian. But...but...after Adam and Eve sinned, they started killing each other. So that's why lions eat meat now."

Me: "Oooohhhhhh...."

At least I know now that at least lions thought very highly of veggies. Tell your kids if they wanted to be like lions, they should start eating more vegetables. :)

Precious.

Mulling Over Life

2009-10-09T14:29:00.000+07:00

First, let me warn you that this entry will be LONG. So if you may not have enough time to read, feel free to print it out and read it at work or at home.

This week, I have a privilege to be the sole owner of my work station. All the other 3 girls are away: one in Bangkok, one in Australia and one unknown. Be it coincidence or destiny, we are all single. People often drop by to tease us about it, which we apparently don’t mind. Anyway, I’ve been able to get a lot of work done sooner than I thought and now I have some spare time to post this blog.

Life at this stage is good. The 2nd year of work is definitely easier than the 1st. For a few months at the beginning of the year, I was ready to bail. My heart wasn’t in my job. I struggled to find a home church. I missed home TERRIBLY. I wanted OUT.

Then came a trip that changed my attitude, fanned up my passion and God brought me back up to my feet again. How quickly I forgot my first love. Since the trip, I began to see Compassion ministry in fresher perspective. The prospect of ALL workers, be it in the head office or in the local churches, joining in one hand regardless of cultures and denominations excite me and makes me willing to go second, third, fourth mile to serve others’ need and, ultimately, serve God.

The Lord has also blessed me with a friendship that I long sought for. P. Manna is the Country Director’s assistant whose desk is just right behind me. She came here 5 months ago with the bachelor degree in graphic design (I think) from England. She’s from a very strong Christian family who is heavily involved with their church’s ministries. I never imagined we’d get together because her and my life is totally different. She seemed to me like a spoiled rich girl, at first. But we got to spend more time together during lunch break and weekends. Our common ground is movie. So after knowing her, I’ve watched more movies than I did last year in total. Having a friend who cares allows me to be more like myself and gives a sense of belonging and security.

I’m also helping out with the Sunday school class at the church I go to. I assist the 4-5 years old class, which is a lot of FUN! The first time I went was a bit awkward because it was mostly white kids. I know it shouldn’t be difficult because I have some very good Canadian and American friends but they’re adults. Kids are different. So I had to orient my mind all over again and observe their behavior and needs. After the class, I realized that children are the same all over the world. What they need MOST is genuine love and attention, period. It may come in different forms. Some kids may be more demanding while others may choose to hide behind their siblings’ backs. But all of them have potentials to create something fantastic. Just give them the time, a piece of paper and a box of crayons, they’d show you the entire world you need to see.

On a more personal note, God has put me through a very intensive course of abiding, trusting & surrendering and wrestling. There are some struggles since the past that I find it difficult to overcome. Every time I allow my desires to come before God’s, there comes the guilt. Every time I confess my sin and ask for forgiveness, I feel ashamed because it isn’t the first time I do it. So I feel like a liar, unworthy to come before God and want to bury my face in the ground.

David’s acknowledgement of God’s presence resonates with what I experience at the moment:

“7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

There’s nothing to be hidden from God’s sight. Everything is clear as it is day. There’s no point in hiding my sin from Him. But at the same time I’m ashamed to come with dirt in my hands and have to look into His loving eyes and see not anger but forgiveness there.

The Spirit has convicted me. We learned together during devotion that Jesus is the Ruler of our life. He is omnipotent and sovereign. None is like Him. He is the PERFECT masterpiece. Jesus needs not try to reign for He DOES reigns. He simply IS. On the contrary, I, with my human nature, tend to obtain the rights that I shouldn’t have. I try to sit on the throne myself. It feels GOOD to have power, to get what I want, to have ALL the attention to myself and to not be responsible for any consequences of my words or deeds. It feels GREAT to pamper myself.

Hence, failed the angel.

But since NOTHING can be hidden from God’s sight, should I continue to be ashamed and blame myself? Though God has all the rights to judge human, He chooses not to condemn us. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Every time I read or hear this verse, I have to breathe a sigh of relief and give thanks to God. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus! We, robed in Jesus’ blood, are permitted the entrance to God’s sacred area. No matter how guilty I feel, but when I ask anything in Jesus’ name, I know He will answer.

That leads to the 1st thing I’ve been learning from God – Abiding. To abide means to stay hooked to, to remain, and to keep free of obstructions. The Father is the Vinedresser, Jesus is the Vine and I am the branch. He is saying, “I am the One hooked to the source, the nourishment, not you!” When I remain in Him, I acknowledge His full authority and the submission of self will naturally follow. I need to stay clean (confess my sins), close (spend time with His words) and obedient (do what He says) to God. Abiding is active, not passive. It is a choice to make.

Yet the verse doesn’t end there. Paul continues by saying, “…,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” We, though accepted and loved by God, MUST NOT take advantage of His grace. One all-time-favorite question for new believers is, “If our sins are forgiven by God, then what’s the point in not sinning?” Aha, repeat this verse with me, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) Jesus Himself told His disciples that, “no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskin.” Whatever reasons we may have to go back to the old way, leave them! Our old life doesn’t fit with the better things Jesus prepares for us.

I know it’s easy said but hard to be done. Yet nothing is too difficult for God. Remember that by abiding in Christ, we have come half way through. When we live by the Spirit, we bear much fruit. Notice when Paul said “the fruit of the Spirit”, he uses it in a singular form. Thus it means that when our life is in tune with the Spirit, this fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) will consequently show. Galatians 5:24-25 says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

The 2nd thing I’ve gained is about surrendering & trusting. There are many areas in my life I reserve only for myself. I’m sure many of you go through the phase when the person you trust most is yourself. It may be the time when you apply for college after 12th grade or when you patiently wait for a sign that he/ she may be interested in you or when you have your wedding planned out or when you reserve a room at a romantic resort for your 50th anniversary. You have expectation. You want it to go as planned. You don’t want to be disappointed.

Yet sometimes when life takes its full swing, you somehow find yourself on the floor, defeated. There’s the letter of rejection in your mailbox. The guy/ girl you’re interested is now dating with someone else. Your wedding is called off. The 50th anniversary is turned into a funeral because of cancer.

Who then can we turn to in those unexpected moments? When life is OUT of control, what do we do?

I was fretting about something the other night. I was furiously scribbling stuff I wanted to do down if I could have my way. I chewed on my pen. My mind was reeling. My heart was restless. When I finished writing, I started to read what I wrote. It made no sense to me! A voice came to me asking, “Where is God in all these things?” I was so worried that I couldn’t lay it down at the altar. I refused to let Jesus take the load from me.

So I prayed for God’s forgiveness and lifted the worry before Him. Needless to say, the weight was gone. It was such an incredible feeling…like there’s nothing in the world that I can’t do…if you know what I mean.

Surrendering, I realized, is rewarding but it’s a work one must choose to do everyday. There are many other areas I’m still holding back from Him. And I know that they must be dealt with sooner or later. It isn’t an easy gain but once it’s done it feels GOOD.

Lastly, the 3rd lesson is about wrestling. Not any normal wrestling match. It’s a life-changing, breaking-me-and-making-me-new kind of wrestling with the Supreme Creator. I don’t know about you but I, personally, have a struggle that I find it almost impossible to overcome. Every time I’m tempted, I can do nothing else but yield to the temptation. One day I told God I won’t ever do it again then the next day I’m caught red-handed.

Wrestling with God is a life-long work. The more God’s word is engrained in my heart and the closer I am to Him, the more effort Satan uses to lure me away. It knows my weakness and it gets to the right spot every time. When I give in, I can hear a mocking laugh and a sneering voice saying that I’m as cheap as dirt.

But the Lord promises that He “will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)

This wrestling match with God requires determination, persistence and forgiveness. Jacob was wrestling with “the man” until daybreak and he wouldn’t let go until he received the blessing. Eventually at daybreak, the man said to Jacob, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.” (Genesis 32:28) I love the last part, “…and have OVERCOME”. I’m not battling in vain. There is a hope that when I persevere and stand for what is right; I will see God “face to face”. And there’ll be no shame on that day.

On a quest to heaven, we, pilgrims, will have to go through many roads and valleys. But when we are faithful to the end, we will see the glorious light shining before us. We will quickly forget the pain, suffering and tears because there in front of us is the radiant Jesus robed in beautiful garment holding out the crown of life to us who persevere.

My Heart's Yearning

2009-10-07T09:28:00.000+07:00

"Since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken,

let us have grace, by which we may serve God."

Hebrews 12:28

God is a God who opens the door and waves His hand, pointing pilgrims to a full table. His invitation is not just for a meal, however. It is for life. An invitation to come into His kingdom and take up residence in a tearless, graveless, painless world. Who can come? Whoever wishes. The invitation is at once universal and personal.

- Max Lucado

And the Angels were Silent

I'm listening to this song "How Deep the Father's Love" right now...and I could see Jesus' face coming up smiling at me. I feel so inadequate...so humble...because of His unconditional love. Even though I sin and turn away from Him, He is forever unchanging. It makes me shameful of how I've treated Him. I said I will stay clean, close and obedient to Him but when something comes along the way and tempts me, I somehow forget what I promised to Him.

I love God...I do...with all my heart. But a lot of times, lots of frustrating times, my desire wins. How I yearn to be rid of the sinful nature for good!

Yet because of His forgiveness, and only because of it, I can be unashamed. Please pray for this spiritual warfare within my heart. I know Jesus has already won the battle but denying myself everyday and taking up the cross IS difficult.

"Oh Lord, please forgive me for my disobedience and for putting myself in a place where I shouldn't have. Thank You for Your blood that washes away my sins. Jesus, I have no desire to take any advantage of Your salvation. I don't want to cheapen Your grace. Please accept this broken heart. Father, You promised that when we humble ourselves and pray and seek Your face and turn from our wicked ways, You will hear from heaven and forgive our sin. Help me, oh God, to be a living sacrifice for You. That people will see You through me.

Thank You for loving us, mankind, so dearly that You should come and die on the cross...to endure the searing pain so that we may have life. God, I commit myself into Your hand. Though the world turns its back to me, I will continue to follow You.

You know that I love you...I DO."

God's Touch

2009-08-20T08:38:00.000+07:00

Sometimes the sun causes me weariness but not today. After 3 days of outrageous storm, the sun shines out her graceful rays and causes my heart to sing.

At my first waking hour, her orange swelling ring slowly glided up the horizon to greet me.

When I walked to my workplace, she kept me company giving me the warm morning touch.

After lunch, as I carried a cup of cold Sprite on one hand and a bag of snacks in the other, her blazing power caused me to sweat, reminding me of the summer beach.

When I eventually got home, all tired and discouraged, the last golden beam turned her face to me saying goodnight...you've done well...go to sleep and rest.

Simple things like these are the message of love from God to me. They are not to be ignored but appreciated. A lot of times when life gets hectic, I tend to overlook these miracles.

God is calling for your attention. Do you hear the whisper of the wind? Do you feel the loving hug in the cloak of moon-lit night? Do you see God...smiling in your son's joyful face?

Jesus is everywhere. And His peace, which transcends all understanding, is for me...and for you.

Photo from: http://www.takegreatpictures.com/

Used VS Loved

2009-07-06T09:49:00.001+07:00

I got this e-mail from a friend this morning; and after reading, I feel compelled to share it with you. It's about a lifeless object and a soulful human being. Here you go:

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad, when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions...sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.The next day that man committed suicide.

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life...Things are to be used and People are to be loved. But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved...Let's be careful to keep this thought in mind:

Things are to be used, but People are to be loved .

Be yourself.

This is the only day we HAVE.

Have a nice day.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits they become character;

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

God bless you! Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL.

A friend.

Sometimes we are so obsessed with materials that we forget the most priceless treasure we possess - LOVE.

Mink

1st Anniversary Reflection

2009-07-01T12:53:00.000+07:00

Today is my 1st anniversary working with Compassion. How incredible that is! Time has flew by, and now I'm about to take on the 2nd year. It's amazing how my life is so different from the past yet, in a sense, it's the same. Different in ways of living, people association and surrounding environment. But the same..as it's still a life I live since the moment I came out of my mother's womb...as I'm still Mink.

Since I stepped off the bus, life has taken so many turns that sometimes I find it hard to breathe easily. It's like being on a roller coster...really. My hands have to grip the bar so tightly that my knuckles turn white. When it gets swooshy, I could almost feel my soul leaving my body. lol That was a bit exaggerating. Anyway, I used to feel like a stranger in my hometown and a guest in my new home. I felt I could burst in excitement as every area of my life was full of adventures. I went through the dark days as I struggled with loneliness and sense of alienation. So many things happened...and it's been only a year.

This morning, the word of God came to me from 2 Corinthians 8:10-12, "And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it; that as there was a readiness to desire it, so there also may be a completion out of what you have. For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have."

Somehow I feel like it's my birthday today. You know, I remember the date very well. There is a significant meaning to it. The day is special to me, and I'm thrilled and excited to recognize and honor it. Yet it's still one of those normal days when people keep on with their daily life. What matters to one may not matter for others. Well, God's word came as a BIG reminder that one cannot only desire and wish what we want will become true. There must be an eager willingness to complete what we set out to do as well. One of dad's wisdom that I still carry on and cherish until today is, "Dream big and fulfill it. If you don't dream, you don't start doing anything."

Yet, as a Christian, to complete what we desire isn't only a matter of our own success. I learn that the job I have in my hand, God's ministry, is ultimately to advance His kingdom. Sure, I've got a job, decent salary and convenient lifestyle but that's not what God had me set out to do. The purposes He has for me are way grander than this - that through my life, children and their families in Compassion projects will be released from poverty (and I'm only just a teeny tiny part in it!); that I will become one of His huge organism and affect one another in godly ways; and that His glory will be magnified through all of us by different circumstances be it good or bad.

The other night, while I was lying on my back in the dark, I began to think of how many days I have left (I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring before that. There was one part Lady Eowyn asked Aragorn how old he was. He said he was 87!!!). My mom is turning 50 years old this year. She has lived quite a long age already...and I realized that she won't be here forever. The fact that we, human, averagely won't last longer than 100 years saddened me a bit. It may seem a long time...a hundred years...but compared to the ancient age of this world and the things living in it, we are but a speck of dust...a character appearing for 10 seconds in a 3-hour grand play...a passing generation.

What am I to do, then, with each passing minute? A lot of times, I feel very small and inadequate when pondering this question. Such demanding needs in this globe. But I learned that if I try to see the whole world with my own eyes, I see nothing but a big screen with blurry scenes flashing in and out. Very confusing. Extremely unclear. However, if I try to see the world in a smaller scale at first, like my family, colleagues, friends or neighbors, it doesn't seem too big to ignore anymore. When I make world my personal concern, I know what to do. :)

So here comes my 2nd year of journey in Chiang-Mai. A few people have asked me how long I'm going to stay here. The answer is - I don't know. I'm awaiting my Captain's command but for now I'm stationed here. And I'll do anything to serve the purposes I'm set out to do. Here's a quote from Sam Gamgee that I find really enlightening and relevant to my reflection:

Sam: It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.

A year has definitely passed...but there will be many more years to come. What are we holding onto? What do we do with what we have? It's yours to answer. Happy my 1st anniversary! :)

Cheers,

Protective Love

2009-06-26T16:52:00.000+07:00

Everyone knows how clumsy I am. Not a year gone by without me being injured. Some years are just mild injuries…not so much more than scratches or bruises but some years are just brutal with me falling head long from an ATV bike onto tumbling rocky trail or plunging my leg into a gutter leaving me with hopeless scratchy bruises or running my thigh into a thick nail in the wall causing me to endure 30+ stitches. My family has to always be prepared for me coming home crying with bandages and tending to my very needs while I’m sick or unable to move.

I’m sure everyone has more than one side of personality including me. You may see me as a respecting and sometimes intimidated child but another side of me is stubbornness and tendency to be disobedient. And because of the latter quality of mine, I’ve been experiencing a lot of regretful pain physically and mentally.

One afternoon last week, I talked to my mom on the phone concerning my middle sister, Mai. She said that she didn’t get to sleep much last night because Mai was crying all night long because of her thumb pain. What happened was she was getting out of her friend’s car. While she was closing the door, she wasn’t minding her fingers (it was probably VERY late because she worked the night shift and she was way too exhausted) that the door kinda snapped shut and her thumb was stuck tight in it. Praise God, her friend didn’t shoot off right away or else she would’ve lost her thumb. I wouldn’t be able to bear such a thought.

My heart was suddenly at my toes. This feeling doesn’t come very often, and when it does, it’s so powerful that it shocks me – when my heart is all melted with compassion, sympathy, concern, shock and pain. When my sister is hurt, I’m hurt. When she’s in pain, I, too, am in pain. I wish it was me being there instead of her. Although I knew it would be excruciating, I wouldn’t mind bearing it if my loved ones were safe. I think mothers go through this everyday. Their hearts break when their kids come running into their arms fumbling through words in tears, retelling them of how they were bullied at school or how their teachers scolded them. I think those mothers would want to jump out and set things straight for their children. But sometimes we can’t do that. As much as we want to protect our loved ones, pain is a part of our human life, unavoidable.

Since the fall of human, there were many parts in history God scolded His beloved sons and daughters due to their stubbornness and disobedience. God, the Father, put up so much with these Israelites because their ways of living were leading them to destruction and death. Mom does the same thing. “Don’t go play after dark!” “You aren’t allowed to play outside tonight. Did you finish your homework?” “It’s your life. Make your own choice…wisely please. I can’t do decide for you but I wish you’d rather not do it.” Always, I did what mom told me not to. Always, I came home with marks on my face, scrapes on my knees, bruises on my legs. Always, mom was there to bandage me up and speak soothing words. Stubbornness and disobedience lead to destruction and death. Yet the Father, with His unfailing love and compassion, puts up with us everyday with patience and lovingkindness.

There were also many other times He allowed His people to go through pain as a process of cleansing and purifying. When I look at mom, I see my God staring straight into my eyes. Once I made a choice, mom respected it be it wise or foolish. Sometimes those decisions were utterly stupid, and she knew it would cause me a great deal of pain. Still, she allowed it. Do you think mom was done with me? Do you think her heart made of stone? Do you think she didn’t cry when I was mourning over my mistake or broken relationship? Of course not! But those things happened so I would learn that I wasn’t the only right one, that my pride would be turned into meekness. God isn’t standing afar off and laughing at our failures or pain. He respects our decision and waits patiently for us to return to Him again. Sometimes intervening right in the middle of our mess means disrupting trust and liberty.

I wonder what He feels when His children are suffering. Is it the same kind of feeling I have for my sister? The feeling of wanting to protect and to save her from evil things. Is that why He decided to come down and bear the pain for us when He could no longer watch from the side? That He would rather carry the weight of pain on His shoulders than to see us crying ourselves to sleep every night? Our pain is His.

His mercy is for all. His compassion fails not. His understanding is beyond the knowledge of this world. So He waits…patiently…lovingly…for His children to run into His arms. He sheds tears when we cry. He is in agony when we suffer. Yet He respects us. We can run to the end of the world, yet He will be there ready to protect us when we are in danger and scoop us up into His arms when we fall. What do we do with our loving Father? Are we rejecting Him? Are we causing Him unnecessary pain when all He offers is love and protection?

Another reason we're here

2009-06-20T21:31:00.000+07:00

What are we doing? Why are we here? In which purpose of life are we fulfilling? Many different people hope for various different things. We do whatever we can to reach that goal. We lean forward, move ahead and push anything or anyone aside if they're on our way.

Why are we battling? Why are we sneering at one another, trying to stab each other in the back? Why can't we live in harmony, in love and in peace? Do we ever hear one another? Our earphones in place, every move before our eyes is just another silly show. There's nothing to make sense of. There's no one we should care about.

When flooded with anger or guilt, we try to drown it in loud music, liquor bottles, beating, being selfish. What does another human being matter to us anyway? We've got too much of our own lives to care for already? Why should we care?

It's all about questions. And after I read the passage below from Ecclesiastes 1, I wondered what would be the point of living since everything is...

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."
3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north;
round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Where's hope if everything we see is meaningless?

We, human, see ourselves from such narrow perspective, the visible, the only things eyes can see. Problems rise each day within our household: crying baby, broken relationship, drug-addicted kids, unfaithful spouse. Issues go unsolved among nations: terrorism, poverty, corruption, global warming. Everything is all about "us". Life is so messy. We are so busy with these things we forget to focus on the invisible, the unseen.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says, " So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

I used to climb up a hill around 5 in the evening. When I stood there on the hill top and looked down, I felt like a conqueror of this world. I saw the vast horizon of blue sky streaked with sunset shimmering gold. I also saw narrow branches of rivers expanding its way out into the endless ocean. I glimpsed a perspective of eternity there, and all of my worries and issues seemed to vanish away. They all became "small potatoes". The sun still rises on the east and sets in the west even though there was another bombing blast in the south of Thailand or another newborn baby starved to death in Africa. Sometimes the world seems unkind and unmerciful but it has never lied to us.

Have you ever stopped long enough to hear the message of love from the world and its Creator? Before you go to bed, have you ever paused to breathe in the night air, listen to the rustling of the wind and humming the song of silence when every soul is sleeping? A lot of times we do what we do unconsciously, and we are becoming more like a robot.

Perhaps we should close our eyes for a second and imagine ourselves as blind, deaf and crippled. Perhaps by doing that, we'll realize why we, all of us human, have to live in this world TOGETHER.

"And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." 1 Corinthians 12:26

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

"Without love, you lose." a quote from "Fan Fan la Tulipe"

I hope you find the answer - why on earth are you here for today? I can't speak for everyone but I now know for myself why I'm here for..and I hope you will.

Frustration

2009-06-09T19:13:00.000+07:00

Frustrated, tears brimming my eyes
Head throbbing, thoughts buzzing in my head
Trying to muster all the strength
Focusing my mind on what is pleasant

But dark thought came like a hovering shadow
Like heavy clouds rolling in on a rainy day
Unpromising, all too ready to drench and soak
With the outpouring drops of hatred

What am I? Why am I here?
Gazing around, taking the sights in:
People walking in big strides
Smile splashing out on their faces

Have they any care of the world?
Do they know someone's starving?
Do they see someone's injured?
Do they realize someone's dying?

Then there's another kind -
These people inch with shoulders slump
Eyes cast down, cheeks sunken, fingers knotted
Hopeless. Lost. Despair.

Asking myself what kind of person I am
And I couldn't pick which one I'd wanna be
I don't wanna be Herod
But I don't wanna be a beggar

Questions go unanswered
What am I supposed to do?
Don't offer me mercy
And please don't mock me as well

I started on this quest
And I'll be the one to see it to the end
But please be by my side
Let me know that you're here

I'm not what you think I am
I'm not that courageous
I'm not that compassionate
I'm not that smart

I'm just a stubborn girl
Seeking to please the will of her Love
It may be foolish
It may seem pointless

But you know I try....
So don't leave my side
Bring back my life's ecstasy
Burn me with Your fire of passion again

Love

2009-05-23T21:28:00.000+07:00

I wonder if you ever are at a loss of words, and in awe when you look at God’s works in your life. I mean…it’s incredible that I’ve been away from home for almost a year now, 11 months to be exact. I had no idea what my life was going to be like when I set out for this journey. It’s been surprise after surprise. When looking back, not even one moment is to be regretted, even the worst ones. God uses every single opportunity to mature me. I feel like I’m such an old lady now thinking how many storms I’ve been through just in a year. I remember having a honeymoon feast during my first few months here and I also remember being drowned in the sea of remorse, sorrow and hopeless depression. I thought I wouldn’t even pull through, that I would simply sink into the bottom of it all and wouldn’t even rise again. But God’s mercy….oh, His goodness and mercy nourish me and bring back my life.

I’d gone through a biggest storm yet these past couple of months. There were a lot of feelings and attitudes in those days: uselessness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-loathsome, doubts, depression and emptiness. I was wondering if this storm would stop tearing me down when slowly a light of dawn radiated through the darkened sky. After that, a revelation after another surfaces and brings clear understanding to my confused mind.

Love is among those revelations. The song “Jesus loves me” I’m listening to now takes on a new perspective tonight. I’m being brought back to many moments in the past that reveal so much of His love in my life…even the broken relationship with my ex-boyfriend or my dad’s sudden death. Without those things in the past, I wouldn’t be who I am…here…today. I’m humbled to realize that I am truly and passionately loved. My dear friend told me in his last e-mail that I am loved but it was impossible to feel so in those rainy days. Now it’s like…the sun rises in my heart again. I don’t need to try to find facts, proofs or evidence to justify Jesus’ love; nor do I have to force myself to be happy because…I truly am. It’s amazing to be God’s beloved.

“His love is the essence of who He is, which enables us to love Him in return. When we know His love, we don’t need explanations” – A quote from a book called “British Columbia”. It is love that makes the world revolves around itself and orbits the sun. It is love, which is originated from God that sacredly holds to its true meaning. Jesus loves us violently from head to toe. It’s incredible to comprehend such love. It is already powerful enough for a man to love another woman…but to imagine a “person” loves the whole world, which at present has about 6.781,000,000 or more people, not including the older generations that passed away and the ones that are to come. How much love can it be gushed out of a person if he isn’t the source of love himself?

So willing and ready to love is Jesus. Yet what He has received is nowhere near happiness. Pain we bring Him by our rejections and pride. But Jesus’ love teaches me another lesson – that love isn’t an accomplishment of a task…to win someone’s heart by verbal persuasion. It is a quiet joy to extend the exuberant affection and good will to another being despite their fallen nature. In another word, love is sufficient in itself. My question is “are we willing to experience the most arduous pleasure of loving by risking our lives in the others and allowing others to risk in ours when love is already there? Are we ready to give and receive this love, of which its foundation traces back to the existence of the very first Person to teach us what it truly means to love?

I was reading in Romans 1 the other day. Paul stated in verse 14 that he is “a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise”. Then he declared in verse 15 that he is “ready to preach the gospel to you who are in Rome also”. It was a puzzle to me how on earth Paul could be indebted to those people. But a tint of glowing light dawned on the hazy me – because of God’s love for him, he was indebted to Him for the sake of the Gospel. People who are still trapped in the line of Adam are awaiting to hear of God’s love in their lives. Surely, if we reason among ourselves, we owe these folks nothing (unless you borrow their money ;) ) BUT we owe their precious souls to God.

Recently, my heart has been burdened with vulnerable people. It’s another revelation I received. My goal in life is to become a full-time missionary but I’ve never known what kind of work I’d like to be involved. This past Tuesday, while I was driving in the mountains with a team, my heart was roused when I thought of taking care of people in need; those who are abandoned, left out…those who are on the edge of society…those who are ignored and overlooked. I think of Mother Teresa and her sacrificial love but I’m not sure if I have that much of qualities like she does. The thought of sick and dying people still scare me. The smell of medicine and the hovering presence of death are still haunting me from time to time. Could I become a nurse? Talking about stuttering Moses, unimportant, shy David, bullying and persecuting Saul and uneducated disciples! That looks, to me, far from any possibility of becoming real.

However, the next thought rolled in and halted my difficult breathing from shock, for it seems there’s more potential than the former thought – writing. I was reading a novel when it slowly appeared to me that the author of this novel had wrote this long time ago…yet the book presently conveys the heart of its message to me so distinctly in the 19th century. It encourages me to keep walking and trusting God. Though she’s probably dead by now, she left me, a younger generation, a legacy. And I hope I could do exactly just like that. After all, one is barely recognized after death anyway. Why don’t leave something worth remembering…something that would bring encouragement or a change to someone’s life?

Love doesn’t probably mean doing “good” things only but doing something “radically” and “differently”. Love gives us power to perform an act that can shock the bewildered world. Love humbles us to go an extra mile. Love breaks the wall of selfishness and allows us to think of others first. Love sustains us with courage to have mercy on those who hate us. Love rebukes evils. Love does not compromise. It is fierce and strong-willed when it comes to protecting its lovers. Love prevails.

Love, such a short word but is so powerful that one’s life cannot be the same when encounters with love. I am not the same since the day I received Love into my life. Yea, the fighting will continue since I’m still living in the flesh but…

“Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me He who died. Heaven’s gates are open wide.
He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so.

For God so loves the world that He gave His only Son.
Jesus loves me. He loves me…this I know.”

Beloved of God, remember always that nothing can separate us from the love of God. You are loved. That’s the fact. Though you may try to reject Him or explain Him away with your logics, His love remains the same…always.

Looking Through the Veil

2009-05-21T17:25:00.000+07:00

I had an opportunity to travel to Chiang-Rai and step my feet into the soil of Burma this past week with a group of Indians. Things could never be more interesting.

In my whole life, the closest contact I've had with Indian is the movie "Slumdog Millionaire". India and its culture seem very vague to me. Though I heard of people going to India, watched a bit of their "run-across-the-mountains" videos, had some Indian food, I never got to interact to one. So living with a group of 6 authentic Indians for 3 days this past week was beyond my expectation and wild imagination.

Indians have very distinct features. Their thick black hair, smooth dark skin, deep penetrating brown eyes, arched brows, full lips and robust frame make them stand out so much in the midst of Thais.

Their lives are closely entwined with their culture. Women still wear their traditional dress anywhere they go. Men grow beard and mustache. They use hands instead of spoon and fork for eating.

I don't know why I'm ranting about this. After saying goodbye to them, I was still haunted by their faces, their thick accent, their strong scent and their sorrowful eyes. These people come from well-off families and have respectable status in society but in their eyes hidden something beyond my reach...something unpleasant that their country has gone through since the past.

The lesson I learned 2 weeks ago from David's life - "For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" became a real experience when I encountered with these people. I think the world offers us a standard of beauty; and we are often lured into judging ourselves and people around us by looking up to this standard. Often enough, the outward appearances blind our eyes to see the real treasure in a soul of a human being. Even I myself.

People can be loud, demanding, rude when they are in need but behind that wall of "look" and "manner" lie the unmistakably perfect masterpiece of the Creator - a human being with thoughts and feelings.

It's one of the greatest challenges for me as my role in life right now is equivalent to a tour guide - to see people from their heart not their look. Sometimes I see people as insignificant, a sea of faces, I could say. Or some other times they are just numbers, like children in Compassion or world population.

Each and everyone of us is uniquely different. If we open our eyes wide enough and look closely, we may see something different in the faces we never paid attention to before....something through the veil.

April Journeys

2009-04-24T16:56:00.000+07:00

“Only one life to assume to pass,
Only what’s alone for Christ will last.” – John Piper

Last Sunday, while I was basking in the afternoon sun on a porch, watching people flashing by and sipping a glass of iced-cocoa, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Have I been here, in Chiang-Mai for almost a year now? Is this FOR REAL?” I don’t know why, but once I stepped past age 23, time seems to zoom by. I barely walked away from the New Year’s firework that a splash of water from Song Kran Festival soaked me to the skin.

This chapter of life has been colorful. There have been moments of fun yellow, somber navy blue, contemplating green, confusing smoky gray, angry fiery red, calm sky blue, lonely black and pure white. Only last week, I had the moment of gray – confusion and not understanding.

I learned of a disturbing fact in this revolving planet, the lesson I MUST stick it in my head always – there are many who don’t believe in Jesus, and worse they’re trying to explain Him away and disclaim His truth. It is understandable that non-believers may have a misconception of who Jesus is but never have I imagined an address to Him as a “fantasy figure” nor to the Gospel “a bedtime story”. These names are not from any famous novels or sorts of treatise but from a person whom I’ve made acquaintance with. My first reaction was shock. Other serial affected reactions were of being attacked, insulted, angry, vulnerable and unsure. The fact that one can get so far away from the truth and so resistant is totally disturbing, but the fact that I’ve allowed myself to step into the cloud of gray and become doubtful in the truth is even more startling. I’ve discarded Paul’s caution, “to think and dwell only upon that which is good and of good report” and almost embraced the “one-man-show” survival fact of the world – that there is no God, no comfort from the Bible, nothing but me…painful..alone…but real. Is that true?

I was dangerously standing on the verge of the cliff. But I’m thankful that at the moment I was going to fall, there were people who care deeply about me pulled me back. Because of this situation, it highlighted how a Christian cannot walk alone AT ALL. It’s severely critical that one should be accountable with someone and have a group of family members or friends constantly pray for him…or else…he could easily fall.

Anyway, I’ve found that wherever I am, no matter it is North of South, summer in Thailand is brutal…as the same…or even more. I heard that Bangkok reached 40C (104F) yesterday (April 23). No wonder why we sweat like crazy. And I am in Chiang-Mai, the northern part of Thailand! Talk about Global Warming! I’ve been raised and growing up in this tropical country for my whole life but I have never got used to its heat especially in April, the hottest month of all. That’s why Songkran Festival is such a treat for all of us. What could be better than splashing water and getting cooled off! Sadly, I didn’t get to join the fun this year at all since I was traveling most of the time. Well, it was cool enough to watch other people having fun. Chiang-Mai celebrated Songkran wayyyy early. Normally, it’s 13-15 but they started from the 10th and went on until the 16th, that was a whole week of madness and funness.

There are a few highlights I’d like to talk about. First is about finding a church. Since January, I was on a quest looking for a new church as the former congregation I went to didn’t have a group of people in my age. Reluctantly, I have to admit that I’m still looking for it. However, it’s been an invaluable experience of being in different congregations. It’s amazing how one belief can extend its branches into various denominations and groups and have such diverse ways of worshipping. I used to be self-pitiful when I thought about my wandering but I’ve come to appreciate it, at least for a certain moment, because through this I’m able to meet with new people who are so passionate about God, and I’ve become less judging as I try to understand and see things through His eyes. God has worked this process in my life so that I won’t be wearing the crown of Nonthaburi Baptist Church or Newsong Bangkok over my head. After a while, I just don’t care much if this church is Baptist or Pentecostal, for we all worship one God – that is Christ Jesus. I think our Lord is a very creative Person, and He wouldn’t pick only one color because it’d be a little too boring for Him.

Yet, I can’t deny that deep down in my heart I still long for a family of my own as well – a bunch of people who I will look forward to seeing every week, whom I will serve and learn the words of God with…these people I will laugh and cry together during the sunny and stormy days. I yearn for that…more than anything else. And I will have to keep praying and believing that this isn’t beyond what God can do for me.

Second is about God’s divine contact. As in Acts 8, how God used Philip to preach Christ to an Ethiopian, He used Ruth L. and the Miyakawas, who I recently got to meet, to minister to me. I met Ruth randomly at a coffee shop near my place. Ruth is a lady from the US who’s now teaching at a university in China. I was reading and she was using internet. I don’t quite remember how the conversation started but we ended up talking for a whole hour about God! It was exciting for me because I didn’t imagine I’d find myself in a conversation with a stranger, whom I realized later a Christian. We talked about our families, jobs, lives, God, struggles. She was telling me how Christ and Christianity are still taboo topics there. After reading the Heavenly Man from Brother Yun’s life, I totally understood what she meant. It was a refreshing time for me to have someone to talk to, to have a deep conversation, not only a small chitchat.

Then a couple of days later, while I was walking down to Starbucks at Tha-Pae gate, a tall boy handed me a tract with sentences like “Let me know what we can pray for you, or how we can help you by e-mailing us at this address”. I walked into Starbucks, ordered a cup of coffee feeling a bit puzzled and thrilled. It was the first day of Songkran celebration, so people were going crazy both inside and outside. While waiting for my order, I looked out and saw a bunch of youngsters sitting with the kind of tracts I received in my hand. So I walked over to them and asked one of the girls, Kristen, what is this all about. I asked in such a manner that I thought it’d appear rude if I wasn’t so desperate to know at that time. Anyway, she told me that it was a mission her fellows from Grace International School to hand out 15,000+ tracts out in 24 hours (I hope I got the number right). It was one of their outreach ministries. Well, I e-mailed them and went on a trip. The next week I came back, I got an e-mail from her dad asking if we could all get together for lunch. So I did. We went to this delicious Mexican restaurant close to Tha-Pae gate (Geez…I can’t remember its name but if you like Mexican and come visit me in Chiang-Mai, I’ll take you there). Anyway, last Sunday I went to their church called “The Gathering”, which simply is full of missionaries. What I liked the most was the sermon. I jotted this down on my little piece of paper, “Ultimately, God calls us to follow a Person (Jesus), neither a place nor position.” Even though the destination and things we will do are unclear, when Jesus calls, we should obey. The pastor said, “When you hear God speak, what you do NEXT says what you really believe”.

Third is about my job. Let me ask you first, have you been so bored at work? If yes, here’s the next question, what do you do when you’re bored? I’m genuinely curious about that because sometimes this moment hits, and I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to do. Here’s what I wrote in my journal last night about my challenge at work:

“I’ve come across another challenge in my job – the feeling of unimportance. There are lies in my mind saying that people will do find here without me, and I still can’t help but believing that though I know it’s not true!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is required of me. There are some expectations from the organization and the staff but what is the ultimate requirement? I think it’s ‘obeying God’. Charles S. Swindoll says,’…Stop trying to be the tops in your fields. Be an excellent whatever.’ That means if my job is to sweep the floor, then I’ll do my very best to make it clean and spotless. If my job is to make a bulletin board, then I’ll do it with my utmost creativity and ability. Whatever job it is, though it may look insignificant, it’s in the heart of a doer that God looks at…and that’s what matters.

I’ve had thought of giving up this position. I’ve thought of moving back to Bangkok. I’ve somehow loathed the society here because a newcomer like me doesn’t always feel welcomed. I hate that I have to struggle and strive alone. I hate the fact that the community at GES, like GES, can’t be found here…that it’s too idealistic…at least for me.

Yet I CANNOT give up. Every time these thoughts came to my mind, the Lord tells me to STICK WITH this plan no matter what the cost is…simply because this is His will…and because many children are being blessed by what I, we Compassion, do. That’s the pure solid reason I’m here. And I know that God is already pleased with that.”

Sometimes we tend to value ourselves by what we do or how we are needed but I’ve learned recently that it’s not the main point. Our value is in Christ Jesus and what we are accomplishing for His kingdom. Not that He doesn’t give me choices of leaving, of course He does, yet when you know what is best for you, won’t you grasp for it? Will you let it go?

It all comes back to my theme of life – a quest. I put a quote from John Piper’s sermon “Don’t waste your life” because it’s a great reminder for me that my life here is for Christ. And until I stand before His beautiful face, until then, I want to become a “good and faithful servant” of His. Paul says, “To live is Christ and to die is gain” – that’s a classic provocative challenge to me.

Where all the stories begin

2009-02-21T13:07:00.000+07:00

Jesus, who are You that can give the blind sight?
Who are You that can bring the dead back to life?
Who are You that can feed the five thousand?
Oh, Jesus, Who are You that even the demons are scared?

You are Son of the Most High
The Light in the dark
The Hope for the lost
Jesus, it is You

You are the Author and Perfector of my faith
The Beginning and the End
The Prophet who always lives
Jesus, it is You

Why care for this small grain
When You are the great I AM?
Why love when all I do
Is to bring You pain?
Oh, Jesus...because it is You.

I wrote this a long while ago. It was during the New Year holiday, and I was with my church fellows doing some mission work up in the North. The sun just came up, and I was sitting in my quiet zone inside a generous man's house from a Mien village who allowed us to intrude into every corner of his house (except his bedroom, of course!). Things were stirring to life again after a dead silence at night: the echoing noise of cocks crowing, dogs barking, women chatting softly over a huge pot of hot porridge, men greetings each other around the fire and children poking their faces inside the gate to see if we were all up.

The religious system of the village holds on to its tradition - animism. These tribal people initially immigrated from China, and had settled down in some of Thailand's northern provinces, including Naan. I had an opportunity to sit down and chat with an old man one evening. Watching the excitement of the community, he was sitting on a wooden stool, hands carrying an ancient parchment in his hands. As he gingerly turned to the next page, I could feel the crispness of those yellow pages. I inclined my head to have a closer look of what he was reading, afraid to ask if I could hold it unless the manuscript would be torn in pieces had it been in my clumsy hands.

Couldn't decide what it was, I asked, "Uncle, what is it you're reading?" With his broken thai, he said, "It's my bible, young lady". Ever more curious, I wondered aloud, "What does it talk about then?" His reply was, "Our own practices and regulations like what we need to prepare for a sacrifice...something like that." I could sense his pride as he spoke about his religion. And it was no wonder that he's one of those religious men in the village.

It was an interesting experience for me. I asked him so many words in his tongue after that. Then I came across the word "God"....and that's when he gave me a questioning stare. I thought he didn't understand my thai so I explained to him as someone who created the earth, the sky, the trees and other living things. Smiling now, he told me of this word that would mean "God" in his own understanding. Later on, I tried to use this word (I'll have to go back and search for this paper I wrote all the Mien words I learned again) with a Christian Mien...and they gave me a blank stare. One girl said that the word I learned didn't refer to our sovereign God but some spirits in their religion. Then it struck me...these people have no idea who the Lord is. They don't have any clue what this word would be in their vocabulary system...only Christians, who are a minority in the community know what it is.

Lately, my heart has been so broken for the world. And I'm not speaking in a lightly manner. This past week I had an experience of falling to my knees and crying heavily for what has been happening on earth. My soul was being tortured by the sufferings of people. My heart is heavy-laden for those who are lost in the whirlpool of materialism and so-called short life. Yet one dark voice raised, "What can a person like you, wretched sinner, do? How dare you think you can change a person's world, let alone the whole planet?" I couldn't help but give way tremblingly to the voice but the light of truth seeped in. Hadn't God commanded us to "preach good news to the poor, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness of the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." (Isa. 61:1-3)

A lot of times I feel like I am a tiny ant watching all giants of this world wandering about. And in those times, the dark voice keeps haunting me as a faithful company. But I learned and knew better than that. Wasn't it Jesus who began the march to calvary once the crunching on the fruit echoed in the garden of Eden? Wasn't it Him who, through history, laid a foundational plan of salvation through weak and humble people who later became "the heroes of faith"? Wasn't it Him who endured the plight in that torturous night so that all our sins shall be washed away in that scarlet blood and we be cleansed as white as snow? Wasn't it the Father who miraculously rolled away the stone and raised His only begotten Son for the sake of humankind's hope? And wasn't it Jesus, our Savior, who said, "Go and make disciples of all nations,..."?

Hence, after realizing, the passion God's given me earlier burns ever more violently within me. Impossible task to change the whole universe, of course. But wasn't it Jesus again who said that the kingdom of God is within you and me? Why not start right here, within ourselves, where all the stories begin, with faith, fervent prayer and love?

"It is no longer I who live,

But it is Christ who lives in me." Galations 2:19

Little by little we are changed by this daily crucifixion of the will.

Changed, not like a tornado changes things,

but like a grain of sand in an oyster changes things.

New graces emerge; new joy at the success of others,

new hope in a God who is good...

God is not destroying the will but transforming it

so that over a process of time and experience we can freely will what God wills

-Richard Foster

Soul surrender

2009-01-24T14:54:00.000+07:00

"Lord, although I long to be in heaven with you, please do not take me away from this world yet. My life hasn't yet been complete. I won't be complete without my husband."

It's one big dream for most of the girls - to be married, to deeply love someone and be loved as equally in return. It's one of mine as well. Only recently did I start to doubt if God would ever answer my prayer on this matter. Year after year, I waited and asked persistently but no answer came. Does God even hear my cry?

When I was younger, I thought like a child..but as I'm turning 25, I see it more with a mature eye. This isn't a sensitive girl's daydream but a battle to be fought with fierce strong will.

Paul said, "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinth. 7:8-9) When I read this passage, such mixed emotions came across my mind..."how could Paul suggest such thing?!"...then, more reluctantly, "would this be God's answer to my prayer?" '~' I was in shock.

Slowly, a pale light began to seep through - the priceless jewel in a relationship with God isn't about what I get but what I become. When I ask Him for something, I approach Him like a stubborn child...asking blatantly, banging His chest, throwing myself on the floor, crying or shaking fists at His face. But a determined Father who knows better would not yield to His daughter's will, not yet anyway. In His book "Prayer" Philip Yancey said, "The real value of persistent prayer is not so much that we get what we want as that we become the person we should be."

God wants all of me...my life, my heart, my soul, my desire and my love "for in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are COMPLETE in Him, who is the head of all principality and power." (Col. 2:9-10) I think what He's challenging me at the moment is, "Would I be willing to drop EVERYTHING including my desire to be married to follow Him if He called me so?" And with tears rolling down on my face, a heavy sob in my chest, teeth gritting, I will have to say, "Yes, Lord. You've got my all."

When our whole being is ALL for Him, everything ELSE is a gift, including a husband as well. Instead of painstakingly searching for "somebody", it's best to patiently and lovingly wait on the One whose love redeems all the longing souls and whose beauty captivates all hearts in the world. I'm departing from the grip of the flesh and returning into the embrace of the everlasting.

"Jesus, take me into Your arms. I've found it at last - the gift of waiting on You. Father, I'm back into Your loving arms again. I'm ready now for whatever You'll use me for. I believe that one day You'll take my hand and bring me to the love I've been waiting for. But for this time and for the rest of my life, I'm content to be with You."

Christmas rant

2009-01-23T19:25:00.000+07:00

It's another cold night in December. And Christmas is just around the corner. Usually, I would be so busy that I would have no time to sit down and write this note if I were in Bangkok. My lifestyle has changed since I moved up to work in Chiang-Mai. I've got more time to be with myself and do things whenever I want and whatever I want without having anyone to check on me. Maybe it's a little too much.

Each Christmas, there is always different message from God to me. Normally, it's all about joyous feelings...celebration, you know, with family and friends...sitting around a table laden with yummy food and dessert...soaking in the beauty of the lights and decorations...listening to Christmas songs...laughing...playing games...opening up presents. Good times.

This year, well, the story is a little different. I am 870 kilometers away from the ones I love. I've got all my time and resources to do fun things but without family and friends...it hardly means anything. I am not anywhere near being happy since there're things to think through and struggles to fight with. Loneliness is my faithful company, and I hardly feel lonely anymore.

Sounds bitter and resentful, hey? I know.

That's one new thing I've been learning this past while - that Christmas includes EVERYONE. And if you read another of my "rant" below, you might catch a bit of glimpse of what I'm trying to say, who I am and how I feel right now. I know that there's nothing worth in me to persuade you to read this. Why would you wanna read something from a depressed person anyway? But if you don't have anything to do, and don't mind this writing, then I hope that the message would give you something to think about...

Merry Christ-mass

"A drug-addicted 24-year-old girl crouching in a dark corner of the room, alone...unnoticed…
A fragile 8-year-old boy fighting with his last breath in a hospital, miserable...hopeless…
A lonely 75-year-old lady with her cane in an elders home, abandoned...unimportant…

Christmas – what does it mean?
Loved ones? Delicious meal and dessert? Lights and presents?
What if these people don’t have one? What if they can’t afford it?
Will Christmas mean anything to them?

Thinking of those who are shivering out there in the cold…
Thinking of those who are alone…
If Christmas is about what’s listed above…
It would be just another day on calendar…

Take a minute to ponder what Christmas means to you…
Jesus was born in a stable, cold and dark…
He was acquainted with sorrow and homeless most of the time…
Jesus isn’t only here for the rich and happy BUT also for the poor and brokenhearted…

While we celebrate,
Let us remember the lowliness of the manger and the humiliation of the cross –
The sacrifice that brings peace and joy."

Mink

"Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised,
and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:1-5

A psalm to the Creator

2009-01-23T19:24:00.000+07:00

Heart shatteringly broken. Tears streaking from my eyes.
Hopeless and lost in the wilderness of pain.
Can anyone hear me? The little voice in the wind.

Gasping for breath. Choking for air.
Helpless and dying in the desert of despair.
Can anyone see me? The small grain in the sand.

Oh Lord, why I see nothing when I lift my eyes to the hills?
Why the vast unknown and darkness shadow over me?
Why so when Your promise says that’s where my help comes from?

Mighty God. Beautiful Savior.
Hope for sinners. Throw Your arms open wide.
Glorious King. Loving Father.
Wonderful Author. Hear my cry.

Though the sky darkens and the world may fall;
Though I lose my sight and have no will to keep on;
I will run to You for I know Your love endures
No condemnation from the One, the Living God

Though the sea dries up and the mountains crumble;
Though I may be found alone with tears overflow;
I will sing praise to You, I will rejoice in You
For You are good and You are God.

Heaven's Ground

2008-09-26T13:15:00.000+07:00

“As humans we tend to focus on the immediate. Yet all the while, God is orchestrating the entirety of our lives, using specific details, specific people, specific circumstances, specific words. We tend to look at one piece of the puzzle, while God sees the whole picture as well as the detailed specifics within each piece. We see things in black and white, while God sees things in panoramic color.” John Hull and Tim Elmore from Pivotal Praying

Last night, I was watching the sky from my room around 9 o’clock. Since I’m on the 3rd floor, it is much closer to the heaven’s ground and I could see things clearer. As I searched the dark blue canvas, I was struck at how God’s mighty hands are still moving. The clouds were lazily rolling, the cold silver stars were glittering, and the colors were painted in different shades.

It was a comforting reminder to me that even though all of the things in this world go wrong, He, who is existed, has already drawn out the plans for our lives. And we just have to be submissive to His will by being obedient. While we’re performing the tasks He’s given us to do, we’re assured that God is actually the One who carries out those plans for His glory. I love the chorus from a song called “In Me” by Casting Crowns .

“Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me”

When we’re suffocating from the polluted sinful world and being caught in the whirlpool of busyness, it is the time God demands us to lift our bowed head up and inhale deeply the sweet fragrance of His love.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

H-O-M-E

2008-09-14T15:19:00.000+07:00

When I was young, when someone talked about home, my mind would suddenly picture a big white house with orange roof, an apple tree and a swing at its side. It's said that sometimes children's drawing speaks louder than their words. As a child, every time I drew a picture of home, in spite of different backgrounds (sky, mountains, beach, etc.), it'd always include a house, an apple tree, a swing AND 3 people.

As I grew up, the definition of home has changed from time to time. To me, and likely most of the people, home is where your heart dwells. Though I might be living in a shack or in a deep jungle, I could be home if my heart is there. Where is my heart at the present?

I'm not sure if heart and intimacy are the same, but at least there seems to be some related connection between these two words. One thing I'm strongly certain about, though, is that there can be heart and intimacy when one is engaged in another person's life.

Intimacy is defined as a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group (www.dictionary.com).As I've sojourned on this life of Christianity, I've experienced a lot of defining moments where I feel like home: munching the still-hot homemade cookies with friends, sitting cross-legged on the floor with children drawing pictures or playing games, laughing over the delicious Chicken and cashew nut at Mr.Sombats', snuggling in my mom's arms though it is 32 degree outside, fighting over a toy with my sisters, cleaning GES 2nd floor at 3 in the morning with the girls and almost nodding my head off while watching my friend washing her bathub, lying on my back while seeking warmth for my feet under my friend's cool feet under the cold starry night, getting so squished in a taxi that there was almost no space for air, discussing deep in bible study for 3 hours or simply worshipping God without any musical instruments. The list could keep going on. One thing I notice in all these things, again, is there's ALWAYS people involved.

My heart is in the people whom God created. It is where my home on earth is. Those memories, though not fancy or exotic, are the places where intimacy with another living soul was created. Paul Brand, a world-renowned orthopaedic specialist and leprosy surgeon, "expresses the guiding principle of his medical career this way: ' The most precious possession any human being has is his spirit - his will to live, his sense of dignity, his personality. Though technically we may be concerned with tendons, bones, and nerve endings, we must never lose sight of the person we are treating.'" (Soul Survivor by Yancey).

God sent His Spirit to be among His people. In you, in me, there is the heart of the Sacred Love that nothing in this world can seperate us from. I now begin to see a glimpse of the eternal home as my heart is entwined with His people's spirits. One of the most untalented gifts I have is drawing. And if you ask me to draw a picture of home again, it'd probably still be the same with the plain-looking white house with orange roof, an apple tree and people - only that it'll not be just 3 people anymore but it'd be added to 10, 50, 100 or even 1,000.

Mink

"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love." John 15:9-10 (The Message)

Little by Little

2008-08-18T17:11:00.000+07:00

A lot of times, as busyness has become a major part of my day, I tend to forget the main purposes of life. The initial passion for others died down while my selfishness increased. How pride and self-pitiness are the perfect mixture of a soul's destruction!

I've been inwardly suffering from the mentally paralyzed state. Before I came up to work at Compassion, I seemed to be one of the "key" people who was trusted to be involved in critical matters. I was there to help others, not to be helped. Somehow God has recently flipped my script upside down.

It's been very frustrating to me that I'm not in the place where I can do things as conveniently as I used to. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm partly paralyzed. Everyday as I watch my professional co-workers perform their tasks, I can't help but feeling envious. Though it seems forever to me, it has been nothing but a month and a half since my first day with this organization. While other people are harvesting, I'm just beginning to learn how to plant.

Sigh.

God has His ways to discipline His children. Beloved we are, yet He'd rather choose the hard way. Undoubtedly, that is an act of love. My friend, Heidi Peters, and I used to choose the way to express our love by slapping each other on the back. Sillyness? Yes. But every time we did that, I always walked away feeling happy, and more importantly, loved. Maybe this isn't the best analogy of all, but I think our Father doesn't neglect this strategy either.

Sometimes we need a good "slapping-on-the-back" from God in our daily life so that we may not forget who we are and what we are here for. Some of us may aggressively pursue achievement in the fast-pacing world whereas to some time may have stopped long ago and they just doggedly labor only to feed their empty stomach day by day.

What would life matter then if we let ourselves be consumed by the ways of the world? He really had a big slap for me this past week. And though I don't claim that I'm enlightened, my eyes seem to glimpse the revealing motive more.

I'm pushing myself too hard.

There's no need to be able to run while you are still tumbling.I guess it's in my very own nature. Mom told me that when I wasn't even a year old, as soon as I could stand up, I'd just shoot off to the other side of the room and ran hard into the wall. It was too soon. Look at babies, they don't stand right up and race. Naturally, they take their time as infants learning how to sit, crawl, stand and walk. It's very foolish of me to think that I'd be able to run as fast as everyone now when I can barely plant my feet firmly on this ground.

It's a lesson of humbleness and perserverance. Step by step. Little by little. Day by day.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
Whose confidence is in Him."

Jeremiah 17:7

Beauty

2008-08-17T17:11:00.000+07:00

This morning, while I was sitting in church listening to the soft wind whispering outside (I know that I was supposed to pay attention to sermon...but...), my eyes came to behold the beauty of the arranged flowers in a basket. They were of orange, red, pink and yellow colors and of different shapes and styles. Laying aside the bouquet was a plate of grape-wine cups with 3 violet orchid flowers as a "decoration". As the congregation started singing, I couldn't shift my gaze anywhere.

Simple they were, the beauty of the Most High were gracefully displayed to the eyes of a sinner like me.

Though disoriented and out of place, His assurance to me will always be the same, "I AM in control". Though the earth may crumble or the sun be darkened, the same Voice that called me 5 years ago will always say, "You are My beloved, My creation. I will always love you because I do."

Third Week

2008-08-16T13:42:00.000+07:00

The longer I'm here, the more I realized how weak I am. Let me just start with this story from Mark Hanlon, the senior vice president of sponsor and donor development of Compassion.:: I Shall Not Be In Want:: From the book, "Blessings of the Poor"

"I'd seen lots of poor kids living in squalid conditions, and this was to be just another one. But a home visit in Haiti in 1995 left me unhinged.

An eleven- or twelve-year-old sponsored girl showed us through her home, which was not unlike many others I'd seen. It was a typical Haitian hut. The yard was decorated with rocks, there was no vegetation of which to speak, and the house was made of dung and mud sandwiched roughly between bamboo poles.

The dwelling had four tiny rooms. I remember that the walls were decorated with colourful magazine ads. There were no personal pictures to speak of. The ads were for plain things like soap, hair care products and the like. There was nothing thematic about the decorations; they were colourful and filled a space in the absence of anything better.

An open fire burned in the kitchen. The home was clean- spotless, to be precise. The beds were mattresses on the floor but they were made and not disshevelled. The clothes were hung or neatly folded.

I remember the little girl moving the dirt and collecting the odd leaf and piece of trash. She took great pride and joy in our visit. Amidst the poverty were pride and dignity, and a kidness and contentment that belied the harsh circumstances of their existence. It was an honour for us to be with them.

We asked her to share her favourite Bible verse. It was Psalm 23. I only heard the firsr verse, 'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want', before I began to cry. A mix of shame and anger welled up from somewhere. How could she not be in want? How was there not that huge desire to want more?

My constant and persisten though would be to get out, or get up, or get better. Not to say she didn't have aspirations, but she was content. She had a skirt and blouse and scuffed shoes. I had everything I could ever want or need.

The poor are so much stronger than I am or could ever hope to be. I visit the poor for a day or a week, returning each night to a nice hotel, clean shirts, a hot shower and safe food. They don't leave.

Just becasue they are poor doesn't make them less important. Their economic situation doesn't make them weak as people.

We don't say it, but sometimes we think they should be impressed to have us in their home. All I know is that I was blessed, and this little girl's home was holy ground."

Little did I know how my life could change as I accepted this book from my friend's hand. Never before had I paid much thought and attention to the word "poverty". All I knew was that if I had no money, I was poor. Worry would cloud my heart, and make it inaccessible for Jesus to perform His miracle. I'd try in every way I could to get what I wanted. Seemingly, I won...but in such worldly way.

Since I began my work at Compassion, the organization's core strategy rings in my mind everyday, "Releasing Children from Poverty in Jesus' Name". My first reaction to the statement was "how?". What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to take action? I didn't even know what poverty meant. I imagined myself as a giver, a wealth-bearer, a stronger and more important person. It was always the subject "I" with an "active" sense. Yet as each day passed by, God started to reveal to me...It is actually I who are a receiver, poor and weak.

Living by myself with no support from family or church leaves me with ONLY one thing - God. Each day I find my soul crushed to the ground, crying out for love and mercy. Fear and loneliness tower over me with its vast shadows. Satan is mockingly laughing at me as I'm trembingly cowed under its wings. Slowly, softly came the whispering in the wind, "Call to Me and I will answer you..." (Jeremiah 33:3).

Jesus is the ONLY source of strength, hope, wisdom, love and all that I could ask for. It's the moment when I'm stripped bare...exposed to the glaring eyes of the world that I realize I need to make a choice: either to doggedly labor myself in the bitterness of the world - the realm of Satan, and believe its lie that I'm a frail and insignificant no-one or to have my pride and dignity as God's beloved back by calling out His name, and be set free.

The Lord uses poverty as a strategy to bend the back of those who are prideful. I always question God why did He often bring judgments on nations (whether Israel or others) by destroying them, putting them in ruin. Now I seem to understand a little better. As Paul O'Rourke shared in his story on worship from the same book, "In a materialistic sense, the poor do not have a whole lot of tangible reasons to worship, but they choose to worship anyway. They have taught me that worship is an attitude of the heart and not an emotional response to the right stimuli - an airconditioned auditorium with soft seats and plush carpet; a veritable orchestra and cast of thousands on the platform; good health; a full stomach."

I, we, have too often numb our bodies, minds and spirits with worldly objects that are unquenchable to our thirst.

God strips us bare, leaves us with nothing, so we can turn to Him where there is everything. His desire is for us to solely rely on Him as a child in his father's arm.

May we come to our sense, and know who we actually are.

Mink

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 5:3

Second week

2008-07-25T16:50:00.000+07:00

Ah, mom just left. She came up for a brief visit, but what a wonderful time! Her presence brought the warm air from home and comfort. I never realized how fun a meal can be until mom came. Most of the time, I simply grab anything that would quench my thirst or stop my hunger, and go on working. I pour down milk into a cereal bowl in the morning, order some fast food at lunch and ride my bike out in search of any food for dinner. But deep down in my heart, I've missed the fellowship around table, random conversations and noisy talks. This is what she said to me on the first night after I had said a constant nos for all the snacks she offered to me, "Mink, you've changed. You don't eat that much." I never noticed that at all until she pointed it out to me. Eating has been only an act of surviving, not an enjoyable habit since I came here. But now I'm gonna cherish it more, and give thanks to God for what He has blessed me.

Life continues. This week has flown by eventfully. I've become better at work and got well-adjusted with the ways things are. I began to feel comfortable being around my co-workers. I'm more familiar with the area, local people and culture. I'm settling in. :) But Mink is still the same - clumsy.

On Monday I got myself injured while I was walking to Carrefour. I didn't really pay attention to the road that I was walking on because my eyes were so focused on the newly advertised billboard, so apparently I didn't see that there was a pretty big hole in front of me. You can guess the rest of the story. My right leg went right into that hole, and got stuck. Surely no one could help me, so I had to pull myself out and got the wound dressed. Afterwards while I was trying to walk back, a guy on a motorbike approached me and asked me for money. He said that he was from Bangkok, and he lost all money (while he still had his wallet with him). Scared and exhausted, I asked him what he wanted. So he asked if he could "borrow" some 300 baht. Of course I couldn't give him that much...but I felt the urge to give. A scripture from Matthew 25 came to me when Jesus said to the righteous, " 'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me' "" (Matt. 25:35-36). Though I knew that it was stupid to give money to strangers, at least I did what Jesus may want me to (or I thought so). Money may be a need for me to survive, but when someone asked for help, should I just turn him away though I may be a fool?

Anyway, I also got to go on my very first trip to Chiang-Rai. P.Yui, my colleague, I and a sponsor from USA drove up to meet with his Karen sponsored child and her family. It was definitely a blessed trip. I really had a pleasant ride because 1) I wasn't a driver and 2) there were different kinds of trees and green hills everywhere. When we got to the project, we met up with the staff and were oriented. Then we drove to the child's home which was nearby but the road to her home was so difficult. It was a dirt and rocky road. Yet when we got there, the beauty of the location AND her beauty took my breath away. It was a small bamboo house snug in the vast arm of the hill. To the left, a cliff rose high to the sky. Right in front of me stood a stunning young lady with her traditional white robe smiling shyly and her good looking mom and dad. Their weather-worn brown skins gave us hints of their long labors under the sky. Yet their broad smile that showed all the broken jagged teeth just told me how content they are. So we were invited in and seated at the front porch. It was neat to see the reunion, if I could call this, of the sponsor and the child. They've been corresponding for 8 years but this was their first time of seeing each other. I was sitting there watching these two lives that are totally different and distinctly opposite. One is from a rich country, and money is not a problem while the other one is still trying to make ends meet each day. But again, I guess earthly wealth isn't what a soul is looking for. What I saw in the girl's eyes were the joy to meet someone she has come to love and gratefulness to what she has received.

On Friday night, mom and I just went to the night bazarre and had burger king! Hmm...happy meal it was. Well, I guess I must end here since the internet cafe is closing. Bonne Nuite!In Christ

First Week

2008-07-07T17:31:00.000+07:00

Greetings from Chiang-Mai

This is the beginning of my 2nd week here. Life goes by quicker than I first thought. I've made new friends, learned new facts and gone on a lot of adventures. It's amazing how my life could change so much: being on my own, having unlimited adventures, witnessing such eye-opening truths, being so close to the nature. Here it is in Chiang-Mai. Here I am in the hands of God.

My day usually starts at 6:30 if I could kick myself out of bed (but usually I'd ignore the clock...and go on sleeping...bad bad). There're lots of time to take a shower, get ready, pray and read and have breakfast because where I live is sharing the same wall with where I work. :) Everyday we have devotion "supposedly" for a half an hour, but most days we spend an hour. So I don't get to start an actual work until 9.

As to answer to the question, "what am I doing exactly?", I am positioned as a tour and visit specialist. I am like a representative, a front-line person for the organization. I'd be the one who gets in touch with the partner countries, sponsors or donors who wish to come visit projects in Thailand. Briefly, I'd do my best to provide as much convenience concerning the visit, and most importantly as much needed information and knowledge of the ministry, projects and children as possible. I act as a part of the advocacy campaign for children. My part is also to encourage the sponsors/ donors to play more important part - that is to be an advocate - by showing them what we, Compassion Thailand, are doing.

So that's briefly what I'm up and about. :) Please pray for my adjustment to the job, people and the living here. It's a challenge but I'm certain that this is where the Lord calls me. I'm also going to a church just a little bit out of town. It's a small church with 20 members, all kinds of people. They do college and prison ministries that I'm now interested in. This church was started by two of my friends since last December. And you'd be surprised if I told you that there're many churches and christians in Chiang-Mai, but they're mostly scattered and shepherdless. Hopefully I can tell you more in my next post. Stay tuned!

Be blessed,

The Journey to the Father

2008-06-26T12:22:00.000+07:00

*This is the first time in my life I could actually put down my story into words. I spent 5 hours writing this as to be sent along with other application papers. But i thought it'd be cool to share this with anyone who wants to read this. So enjoy! I hope you're encouraged at some points. :)

My name is Tuangporn Wiroonchatapunth. I am 24 years old. I now live in Nonthaburi with my mother and two younger sisters. I graduated from Silpakorn University, majored in English and minored in Tour Guide. I am a friendly and outgoing person, but I also tend to be an introvert who adores solitude and peacefulness. I love to get busy with jobs and people, but if there is some spare time, my favorite activities are reading, writing, listening to music and traveling. I would like to break down my journey from the past to the present into 3 stages: the questioning, the seeking and the pursuit.

The Questioning

Just like other Buddhist families, I was raised among idol-worshippers, and taught to do good in order to gain a ticket-pass to heaven. My father used to be a monk for 3 months. My mother was a devout Buddhist who never ceased to pray, make merits and go to temples. My other relatives on both sides are very strict when it comes to rituals and ceremonies. They hardly miss any occasions. My aunt used to offer her body as a temporary abode of a former king’s spirit’s brief visits. She is now a vegetarian. Being surrounded by such belief and tradition, it was doubtless that I had adopted the same motif in living; self-reliance.

I followed my parents’ steps. I was a temple-goer. I never forgot to pray before bed. I could also memorize some lengthy chants. The most important thing of all, I feared death. Ironically, though I tried to obey all rules and made plenty of merits, I was never sure and convinced that I would actually go to heaven. It seemed like the deeds I had done were never enough. Often, I was troubled by the scenes of hell, the fear of passing into the shadow and the nagging curiosity about the after death. I always found myself thinking about what-ifs: what if I died to day; what if the world came to an end; what if the universe didn’t actually exist. What then? Where would I be? What of the others? Would there be any consciousness left in me to be aware of what was going on? And the questions continued. Every time I tried to find a sensible answer, I would be pulled back to the beginning. The thought worked in a cycle. It did not lead me anywhere but nothingness - an utter darkness, a void. The more I spent time thinking about them, the more I got depressed. So, for a while, I pretended to forget and lived only for the moment.

The Seeking

Life went on until I entered into the turning point when my father passed away. He died of bone cancer when I was 15 years old. It was painful, unwelcome and shocking. Dad was my hero. I would usually be seen doing something alongside him: washing our cars, going to movies, reading newspapers, etc. I was daddy’s girl. When I learned that he passed away, my whole world was crumbling right before my eyes. Things were hopeless, and it was almost impossible to get a clear vision of how we, as a family, would go on without the pillar of the household. Those months of mourning were dragged by slowly. Each morning I awoke feeling cumbersome. Each night I went to sleep with loneliness and fear wondering where his spirit would be. The only strength and comfort I could find during that time was from my mother and sisters. Though we gave offerings to monks and did what a good Buddhist was supposed to, I always wondered if it would be any effective. It seemed to me that nothing could stop the forcing power of death, not even the Buddha himself. Despair was my constant companion for the knowledge beyond this world’s realm was too great for me to comprehend.

Being unable to acknowledge the eternal purpose, I thus shifted my focus back into the worldly goals: achievement and success. In high school, I was ranked as one of the top ten students in my class. I had a group of decent friends. My mom had her business going. We were settled in a new house and happy. I also started dating a senior student when I was in grade 11. Seemingly, life was good. After a while, Buddhism had become an obligated religious system of duties and responsibilities, not lifestyle. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was longing to know what lies beyond this world, and still searching for the true meaning of life.

In June 2002, I got a chance to go to an English camp arranged by the Campus Crusade for Christ. I went without much expectation. My only hope and desire was to practice my English with the native-tongues, and to meet new friends. While I was there, I was introduced to the sacrificial love of Christ. My eyes were opened to the truth concerning life and death. During my time at the camp, all the questions I had had were answered on the cross where Jesus died, and my hope in life beyond this world was found in the empty tomb. I realized that I was a prisoner of sins and the bitter past. I reckoned that the self-reliant ways of Buddhism would lead me nowhere near heaven; and no gods in this world could save me from hell but this One. I knew that I needed Him to redeem me. So I received Jesus Christ the Lord into my life.

The Pursuit

I might as well wrap it up now since the story seemed to have a happy ending. But real life is not a fairy tale for the quest is just about to begin (though I could claim that I know how it will end).

When I delivered the news to my mom and sisters, they were neither oppressing nor encouraging. Difficult as it was to be an only Christian in the family, plus being afraid to be a black sheep, I finally yielded to temptations after a month of struggling. I was drawn back into the same tide of worshipping idols. Every single time my head bowed down for those lifeless images, there was always a pang of guilt in my heart. And for a brief moment, I would remember the sweet fragrance of love and the fullness of life in Christ, and long to be back there once again. But the feeling of unworthiness stopped me from repenting. I would hear a mocking voice saying that there was no way to go back since I chose the ways of the world. I would be reminded that I was just a human unworthy of forgiveness, and everything in the camp was nothing but a sweet dream. I would only look up some encouraging bible verses once in a while for comfort, but I dared not claim the rights of salvation.

December 2002 came. One night I got a phone call from my boyfriend who told me that our relationship could go no further than just friends. I was brokenhearted. The same “world-crumbling” happened again that night. I felt betrayed and wondered if there would be any true love apart from my family in this world. After a few weeks of crying and pitying myself, the memories of love and friendship from the English camp began to flow back into my mind like a stream of river again. It was at that time when there was nothing left in my life I remembered God and His love, and actually surrendered my will to Him.

Thus began the pursuit. I spent time reading His words and pondering the truth until I found myself on my knees praying for forgiveness. The Light of hope and joy took place in my spent and weary heart. After conviction, I started to attend church nearby my living area. Nonthaburi Baptist Church has been my spiritual home ever since. Two years later, my mother came to salvation followed by my 2 sisters in a year later. Jesus is the Lord of my life. Each day I find life more meaningful and full of purposes when I abide in Him and seek His will. Though I cannot deny that I still do struggle with sins everyday, I have a hope that, as I pass through each valley, I would be stepping a little higher on the mountain to where He dwells and becoming more conformed into Christ’s likeness.

I do not know about the future. I have no idea where He will lead me next. But one thing I am certain of is that I do know where my true home lies. I want to spend the time He has given to me here on earth to get to know Him more and to live for Him. I have a passion to share this gift of salvation and the Good News to people in the world and guide them the way into God’s kingdom as it is stated in Hebrews 12:28 that, “therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God…”

J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote a song in his novel, the Lord of the rings, when Bilbo ventured off his home:

“The Road goes ever on and

from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can.

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.”

For me, life is an eternal quest, an endless journey, a life-long pursuit. I do not want to rob myself from that journey by giving in to the fear of the unknown

The Road Goes Ever On And On

2008-06-26T12:19:00.000+07:00

Waiting on the Lord is so rewarding. It's beyond my words can say. For six years I've fought in this pursuit of this Arts degree. Now it's over. I don't have classes to go to anymore...nor do I have to be worried about the "due assignments". Weird how it feels empty. Never in my life have I had such mixed feelings: sad but happy, nervous but excited. I was told that there's always a new chapter to begin in this book of life. And now my turn has come after enthusiastically watching many people take on their journeys. The previous chapter is drawing its curtain, and the new one is about to begin.

I am now officially graduated, and about to set out to Chiang-Mai for my new job. It happened so fast that it is still magical. I applied for a job at Compassion International as a director's secretary two weeks ago. Iniatially, there was another spot that would fit me perfectly - Tour and Visit Specialist, but the position got close somehow. So I went for the secretary. I spent a whole month praying and seeking His will because I was really doubtful. The more I sought, the more I felt certain. There was one morning I read in Ezekiel 12, and this verse struck me with such harsh blow. It says, " 'Son of man, you dwell in the midst of a rebellious house, which has eyes to see but does not see, and ears to hear but does not hear;...' (Ezekiel 12:2)" And I personally felt like it was a desperate message from God to this stubborn and hard-headed daughter. There were so many signs earlier that I could allow myself to be sure but I denied them all. First of all, I hate to think of myself working to my bones but do nothing to benefit the others. My passion isn't to sign in at 8:00 and sign out at 5:00 nor to receive a big wad of cash at the end of the month. It may sound ridiculous, which undeniably it does...but...I had this tingly feeling that there should be something more than a mendatory schedule for my life. Second, I often found myself thinking about my countrymen who hardly have any opportunities in society at all. But most importantly, my heart is moved when I see these people so bound in the tide of traditional religious duties and system. Every time I see those on tv, I always hope that their chains would be broke.

I know that these signs aren't tangible but, if you are one of Jesus' followers, you do know what His voice is like. Yet i must admit that I was really hard on myself, and I never allowed any positive thought that I would get the job until I actually heard it. The interview on last Friday went well even though my performance on computer test was way too poor. Man, i've worked in the church office for four years but never have I had to make a statistic chart. I didn't even complete each task I was given at all. There were three programs: Words, Power Point and Excel. And I'd say my skills in these three programs are quite fine and efficient but making chart is a killer. So yah, I didn't expect much afterwards.Anyway, the interview questions were all about the applied position - secretary. But later on, I got to talk to one of the interviewers, who is also my friend. And she asked me if I would rather work as the tour and visit specialist because my skills are more qualified in this field. Of course I am! So without even expecting, I now have got a job at Compassion International as a tour and visit specialist. And man, it just fits me perfectly. I get to travel, take care and serve people while I serve the Lord. Plus, I am also involved in the children ministry that supports kids who lack opportunities. My job starts on July 1st. Actually, I don't start working right away because there'll be a fast-and-pray session in the morning, and the orientation in the afternoon. So it's gonna be a good preparation for me.

But in all these good news and excitement, I can't help feeling sad. It hit me hard this morning that I am actually leaving so many things behind: my beloved mom and sisters, the most amazing friends at church, GES and newsong, etc. There're so many memories out here. Yet I'm not moving far. Chiang-Mai is 9-hour bus ride, 12-hour train ride and 1-hour plane ride. I guess it's just moving out of my comfort zone that's scary but I have never been more excited. :) So wish me luck, guys. Wait, christians don't do luck, do we? ;) Prayers will be a good doze of comfort from you, my beloved siblings in the Spirit, to me.

With much love,Mink ^-^

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

...God knows...

2008-04-06T21:44:00.000+07:00

I have so many things on my mind right now. And I'm being all by myself with a computer that, apparently, cannot converse with me. So this is a way of redeeming myself in this confusion and loneliness.

Here it comes again. This is probably one of the toughest time of the year. I just happen to be a fortunate person who gets to be a part of this journey along with the other GES teachers. I get to meet new people, establish friendship, learn new things from the other side of the world where i've never been before, experience the "life" outside of my shell, and say goodbye to the ones I love and care pretty much every single year.

But you know, I've only been a part of it. I've watched these wonderful men and women labor on their jobs, struggle with cross-cultural differences and rejoice over their success. Yet I've never been the one who actually experiences it.

It hit me really hard when I sit down and spend time pondering on the situation in my life right now...I am just clueless. It's like I've been taking a walk in this vast jungle on one spring morning...enjoying the birds chirping, the squirrels scurrying from one branch to another, the blooming flowers, the peaceful river...when in all of a sudden, there comes the multiple separated trails. Each one doesn't give me any clear paths. Suddenly I feel helpless and uncertain of the roads ahead.

Now I want to run back to my home sweet home where safety and security are promised. Here are my choices: do I want to continue be a mama's baby, sucking her thumb and begging for food or do i want to become a strong strider of the jungle who unsheaths her sword bravely when danger comes?

Oh, the answer is predictable. I wish for the latter choice. But my question is how do I get there? Really...how do I reach that point when at this present time I am merely clueless.

You tell me.

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." - Psalm 139:16

It is my hope to continue to trust in the Lord's plan even though it seems hopeless, to hold tight to the last string of faith and believe with all my heart that there is something waiting for me out there. My friend, Emily, spoke right into my heart when I was whining about my uncertain future. I moaned, "I just don't know what to do with my future. I don't know." Then she quietly replies, "But God knows."

Yes, God knows. It's no use trying to get all these questions answered in my time. Sometimes it is more thrilling to stand and witness His miraculous work. I don't know where I'm going to be in a year to come. And honestly, I'm scared...but...I'm also excited as well.

"Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Pride

2008-03-19T12:31:00.000+07:00

Have you ever had this experience when your heart pierced and stung so painfully that you feel wholeheartedly ready to crush someone down because of their pride? I have. A lot of times in my Christian life, I find it hard to play a Cinderella when the injustice and wrongdoings are being done right in front of my eyes. I suddenly feel a strong sense of hatred towards those people. And all I want to do is to cause them pain the way they’ve done to me.

I know. I am a fool, like Nabal, Abigail’s prideful husband. I am no different than those ones I’m accusing of. I’m carrying my pride on my head like a golden crown when actually it’s just nothing but a wooden one. I’m stubborn just as a donkey is, and as stiff-necked as the Israelites were during the wandering time in the desert. Ernest Gordon, a PoW during the WWII in a Japanese camp, once wrote:

Death was still with us – no doubt about that. But we were slowly being freed from its destructive grip…Selfishness, hatred…and pride were all anti-life. Love…self-sacrifice…and faith, on the other hand, were the essence of life…gifts of God to men…Death no longer had the last word at Chungkai.

It’s hard to think of Jesus when the fire of anger stirred up in me. But think I must. Jesus is God who created heaven and earth…but…He is also the One who lowered Himself down to wash the twelve men’s feet with such humbleness and meekness.

If He so loved us, can we not love each other? Having been forgiven, can we not forgive? Having feasted at the table of grace, can we not share a few crumbs? "My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other" (1 John 4:11 MSG).
Facing Your Giant, Max Lucado

"Pride makes me cry
And I’m tired of being tried
Persecution, pressures, trials
What are these?
Beads of sweat drippin’ on to dirt
My back’s bent, my knees hurt
And now I’m watching those proud dudes
Casually waltzing in to receive the reward they don’t deserve
But who am I to judge?
I ain’t gonna do anything
Because the Righteous and Just
Had gone through the same thing
Humble and meek
Washing the twelve disciples’ feet
Can I do that?
Can you do that?
Prove yourself as a true Christian!

So get rid of your pride
It ain’t easy like a piece of pie
But it can be done
Through Him who is the saving One
Repent and surrender
No excuse whatsoever
“Abide in Me. Abide in Love”
And into Your River I dove
Make me decrease
So You may increase
Take my pride away
Or my faith be swayed"

May we never forget who we are...

Mink

Redeemed

2008-02-25T08:12:00.001+07:00

Since when did I stop writing? Since when did I feel empty when about to put life into words?

I figured that there should be at least one cool story i could write since the last blog entry was in October...yes...you got it right...that long. But again, as I'm staring at the screen, my head is white blank. Human's mind is incomprehensible for me. At one moment, thoughts are flowing like a flood of water. Not a long while later, they are stuck in mud.

Right now it's 8:17 in the morning. The song "We Fall Down" is cooling the room down. The neighborhood is all silent since the rush hour has already passed. And I'm sitting alone, feeling a bit drowsy, in this room.

City life is interesting. Now I'm at my friend/ sister's room in Bangna, somewhere in Bangkok. I'd say it's a middle size community. There're a pool, a gym, a mini mart, a bookstore, a basketball court, a music school, an international school, some restaurants and coffeeshops, a church and a whole bunch of buildings.

This morning, after I got up, I was peering out of my window to look around, and it struck me what a limited life one can get into. Across from my room, a lady stretching her arms, yawning and scratching her head while getting ready for work. Two floors up, a half-awake guy in shorts standing at the balcony smoking his cigarette letting his mind drift off somewhere. It came to me...I feel sorry for these people. I don't know why...but it just hit me. Not only these particular neighborhood but those men and women who have to wake up every morning only to fill their day. It's just sad and depressing. It's all vanity. We are easily satisfied with the engaged busyness, the so-called romance the world offers us which most of it lasts not too long or the practical religious system which makes one feel worthwhile.

Then I thought of a scene from the movie, "the Sound of Music" when the girl, Mary, was running joyously on the top of the hill and singing as if to the whole world and ,of course, God. Every time I think of the scene, it's freeing. There's freedom in that certain shot. She is all exposed to the nature around her...but much more than that...her heart is exposed to the Calling above. And even her body is caged behind the gate of the church, she knows that there is freedom in everything she does because her heart is set free.

My friend, Nookie, introduced me to one of Chris Tomlin's songs - Amazing Grace (my chains are gone). Amazing Grace is forever my favorite hymn but with this new chorus, it made me choke with tears. It goes:

"My chains are gone Ive been set free
My God my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love Amazing Grace"

We should not be limited by area space though we must admit that we have such limited capacity. We should not be trapped in a cage of unhealed wounds, unforgotten past and unforgiven sins. We, God's people, have that freedom. We are no longer the PoW. We are freemen and we are all who we want to be in our Redeemer.

Market Trip

2007-10-27T12:14:00.000+07:00

This morning I had an opportunity to go shopping at the market with my mom for the first time since last two years. I am not fully awake right now since I went to sleep around 2 o'clock last night and had to get up at 6; but I feel the urge to write this note.

We took a Song Taew truck to Nonthaburi market, the busiest place I have ever seen in the morning like that. Vendors after vendors, shops after shops were opening to welcome their customers. People, mostly in their PJs, were swarming in and out to run their early errands. Sellers' bellowing voices trying to get attention from shopppers, street dogs wandering..sniffing for left-over food, buyers hurriedly rush from one aisle to the other to get what they need and Thai Buddhists kneeling down...receiving blessing from a simple looking monk really made me overwhelmed. I have never been good in being in such a crowded, busy place with loud noise like this anyway, so it could probably have been another overwhelming trip. But the truth is...I kinda felt a little different this time.

While I was waiting around for my mom, a group of people caught my attention. A group of five ladies bowing down their heads, kneeling down on the stenched wet dirty floor, holding their hands in a wai form in front of a young monk with such stone, straight, emotionless face made me planted where I was standing.

These folks were joyless! They were hopelessly looking for ways to heaven, trying in vain to do good things...to earn merits...while knowing too well that it may not be the right path. The scene captivated my soul, and my heart was being squeezed so tightly that I thought I was going to collapse. It looks to me that the monk was the only brightest hope they could ever find...and try to cling to... before they started their days living in sins. How depressing that would be when you are not even sure of your salvation? "Do good things, girl, and you will go to heaven."...that's something I had been told since I was a little child. Everything is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Oh! My ultimate desire is to see my countrymen repent and receive Salvation. My dream is to be Jesus' hand to help the poor and the orphans in this place, the country that has been called, "the Land of Freedom". I want to see Thailand being the chosen nation. But I am so little. I am not much. Yet I really want to help. The spiritual warfare is marching on, but I am still stuck with sins. "Lord, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Deliver me from sins. Arm me with Your armor. And make me selfless, Lord Jesus. I am Your clay."

Freedom

2007-10-25T13:38:00.000+07:00

While everything on GES campus seems to fall into the rhythm of peacefulness and quietness, the limbs of my soul are struggling to waddle out of the void of turmoil. Restlessness daily comes knocking on my door. And all i could do has been to welcome it with unwillingness.

Restless to follow God's call eventhough being clueless what it is.
Restless to begin the new journey eventhough the road looks so dark.
Restless to take the adventure with the One eventhough it may be dangerous.
Restless to be free from this worldly cage.

I was watching a movie called, "the Ultimate Gift" the other night. It is about the value of gifts that one can find. One phrase that completely blew me away was, "free to dream". Somewhere along the way, it seems like I have lost my dream. I have dropped it for a while. Then it came to me...Jesus came all the way from heaven to earth to SET US FREE, to give us FREEDOM. It is hard for my limitedness to totally understand the whole concept of freedom; but after all these years I have had with Him, I know that to be free in Him is to wholeheartedly and tremblingly rely on the Redeemer. Oh-yes, I don't even want to believe what I just wrote, yet the truth remains.

Often I have heard people ask, "If God is really almighty and sovereign, why didn't He stop Eve from sinning?" And the answer would be, "Well, because God didn't make us a robot. We were fearfully and beautifully made according to His image. He put mind and spirit into us. And He gives us choices. He gives us freedom so that we may glorify Him through this freedom." And I agree. A lot of people, and even I myself, sometimes try to put aside God and venture on our own. Eventually, I always find myself sitting on the floor helplessly, tears streaming down like waterfall and crying out to Jesus for help.

"I will walk about in freedom for I have sought out your precepts.", said David. There is freedom in Jesus. Be free to dance, free to sing, free to shout, free to think and free to dream. There's this phrase, "Nothing is free in this world", but I'm sure there is when you are in Him.

Mink

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:20-21

Krabi: retreat, refresh and renew

2007-09-09T10:21:00.000+07:00

Okay...last night (Sat.) I was working on writing this note about my Krabi adventure. And I was half way when all of a sudden the electricity went out! So...now...i'm typing it all over again.Right now it's 9:35 on Sunday morning. Everything in the resort is quiet and still. There're not many noise around here...only the starting engine of a truck, the buzzing noise of some bugs and the barking of 4 puddle dogs here. Where we're staying is called "Jungle Village" and it's 2 km away from Ao Nang city. We pay 750 baht a night but we are treated like a royal family. We have our own driver who takes us anywhere any time. We have hot shower, a fridge, a cable tv (which somehow doesn't have many english channels...but there's Fox news, Matt!) and an air-con in our room. Outside is a well-taken-care-of garden with green field, palm trees and a swimming pool. It is SO private here.

Yesterday we took a long tail boat to the Railey beach and Tub island with a german family. I have to say that i'm wowed! I mean this trip comes as such a blessing! It came to me unexpectedly. It is such a gift from God.Okay...to give you a bit knowledge...this is my first time to Krabi...and it is also my first time flying in a plane!!!!!!!!!! I was excited, happy, nervous and scared all at the same time. When the plane was speeding up and about to soar, i was too overwhelmed with these feelings that i needed to hold both Heidis' hands. But the flight was WONDERFUL. I'd never seen the world i'm living in in this bird-eye view before. Everything magnificently resounds God's glory and I was in awe. Well...to those of you who usually fly may think i'm an idiot...but...as i told you...this is my first time. The sea of the vast blue sky that stretches out all around me, those bushes of puffy white clouds are GORGEOUS. And when i looked below me, everything that is under the sun was like specks of dust to me...everything that usually overshadows me like mighty mountains or even like a house.

How come I could measure God's sovereignty in such a limited, narrow, humanly way? Oh...sinful nature...Before we left to the airport on Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from my friend, Jason Glass. At the end of his letter he gave me this bible verse from Jeremiah saying, "....is anything too hard for God?" And I had time of reflection on the plane, and i was like...seriously NOTHING is too hard for Him but it's our human nature that always doubts and falls.

Anyway, back to Krabi. Yesterday we went to 2 beaches and i have to admit that it's a total different feeling from Hua-Hin or other beaches that i've been before. This is more natural and still untouched by human's hands. The water is clear turquois, the sand is clean and white and the sky just looks like it's supposed to be....broad blue sky w/o any polluted smog simmering over the edge of the heaven's gate. Me and Heidi D. got to hike around the Pra Nang cave...then we took a boat to another island where i pretty much spent time reading, walking in solitude and getting myself dry. Then we came back to our resort, swam in the pool for a short while, took a shower and drove downtown to have dinner. We ended up eating at a thai-european restaurant. I got Tom Yum Kung that is totally like a farung's taste. No offense, guys, but it wasn't like the spicy soup i used to have AT ALL. It was tasty though. While we're sitting, there's this guy from San Diego named Andrew came to us and asked if he could sit with us. And i was like, "oh-oh...what should we do?" But he looked really decent and there was no evil implication in his manner at all. So we sat talking with him for a while. He was here on the Railey beach when Tsunami hit a few years ago...so he came down to make a movie about that.

So that's pretty much what's going on in my life in the most amazing paradise on earth right now. :) We'll be heading back to Nontahburi, our home sweet home, in a few hours from now. I brought work....but guess what....i never touched it. lol

With love,

The Hungry

2007-08-29T18:40:00.000+07:00

This month has been dragging and long.

This week has been a whirlpool of exhaustion and busyness.

This day has been somewhat crazy and draining....

but at this moment...i am quietly content with my still-hot garlic chicken with vegetable on steamed rice...my first meal of the day. :)

Sometimes men and women can be unexpectably demanding.

It may cause someone's sacrifice....Someone's life....so that we would be satisfied. Human is so selfish. I am VERY selfish.

It has been too long thinking of what is not yet done, whirling my mind about the future is not yet come...

As of right now, I will set it aside for a little while. I will finish my "authentic" meal, drink some water and go to church prayer meeting. My soul is crying out for the Bread and the Water as well...

Change or not?

2007-08-09T20:28:00.000+07:00

I so wish I was better at organizing thoughts. This is maybe my 5th effort in writing this note after typing and erasing. I want to write something but my capability is so limited. My mind is a mess. My thought is whirling about. My heart is racing. And my brain is somewhat tired even though I haven't done anything that much. What is it within that continually bugs me? It causes such confusion...and...depression, the unwanted gift ever.

Apparently, as one of my friends put me this way, I am a 23-year-old girl, who is about to graduate and scared of life in the upcoming real world. Seriously, I am curious if the world I have been living in somewhat is not real. Twenty two years on this earth I have enjoyed all the fun the world has been giving to me. I do exactly the same things as everyone does on one's daily basis. I get up. I shower. I eat. I go to school. I learn. I play with my friends. I watch TV. I sleep. I take special classes. I travel with my family once in a while. Let's talk about feelings. I am pretty much the same as others. I smile and laugh when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I feel melancholy when I encounter loss. I am confused when there are too many choices.

What, then, does make a difference in the world when I am a year older? Will the world change when I graduate? .......................

I guess I have to admit. Yes. I don't think God created us so that He would be able to sit and play with us like a barbie doll. Life is all about changing. From kindergarten, I moved up to primary. Primary to junior-high. Junior-high to highschool. Highschool to college. And college to........what? I haven't figured that one out yet...but good news...I'm about to. :) I think we were created to "live" and "move on" with life even though we feel stuck. Every decision we make, God allows it so that we may learn how to grow more mature, how to deal with circumstances and how to be responsible of the consequences.

Well, guys, I know many of you have already passed this stage...and you might see me as a frantic, worried college girl. You may as well do that. BUT remember...life is all about changing. Today will not be the same as tomorrow. All I have to do is keep it real. I must not be a coward. I must confront it. I must fight with it. I am not only God's daughter but also His warrior. There is no cowardice in the battlefield or else I lose.

Before end, I would like to let those of you who are wondering what I am up to these days that I will be teaching English for G.10B at GES for a while. I don't know for how long yet. I guess until they know how suck I am at teaching. lol No, no..that's a joke. I decided to turn down the position at Shell company because 1) I feel peace about being here even though I personally feel stuck (I thought working far away would somehow make me move on w/ life) 2) I still want to be around those whom I love...especially when my church is really in need of staff 3) I still want to have fun.

So, briefly, I will be teaching at GES for a while and also helping out at the church at the same time. I don't know if I have made a right choice or not, but I already did. And there is no turning back.

The Beautiful Shore

2007-07-19T11:33:00.000+07:00

Right now it is Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 10:23 am. Sitting right here in front of one of the staff room's computer...about to type something in very important. Prior to going any further, I would like to inform you, who knows Manna - the 3rd grader at GES and my beloved little girl at church, that her grandma passed away 3 days ago. And this is what I wrote last night after I got back from the funeral.

"July 18, 2007

Today is the 1st night of Mother Chuanpit's funeral. Since last night, me and some other people were preparing things for the funeral. We ended up staying up until 11:00 pm arranging flowers. I didn't quite look forward to this evening that much. Like everyone knows, two of the things I dislike the most and try to avoid are hospital and funeral. Not that I'm scared of them, but they are a constant reminder of my dad's death. They horrify me at some points.

To be honest, the fact that Mother was dead hadn't quite dawned on me just yet during the day. One of the reasons was because I was being kept busy. But around 4 o'clock when there was nothing for me to look forward to, I started to feel something. It's the feeling that gave me a tickle of pinching pain and emptiness. Though I'm not VERY close to her, we talked a lot. Two weeks ago, some of us even visited her at the hospital and prayed for her health. And she looked okay to me.

I've been thinking a lot...about death, life, possession and the meaning to be alive. I mean...it seemed like yesterday that I talked to her. I still remember her wrinkly freckled pale skin, long crooked fingers, kind gentle loving eyes and her gray beautiful hair. I still saw "life" in her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her talk. Her caressing hands. Her heaving chest. And now...not even her soft breath I can hear.

Days are long but life is so short. We don't even know when will be our time. God alone that is counting our days. Thus, it leads me to this simple question, 'What, then, am I to do with this short life and to make the best of it?' Today during the service, we were singing some songs which all talk about how we are here for a short amount of time. Then when our time is over, we'll be standing on the beautiful shore meeting up with the people I love again.I don't know...it's a joy for me knowing that she is with God now. Maybe she is being wrapped around in His arms, receiving compliments from the Holy One...or she might be standing with Him hand in hand looking at us busying about the things that will not last.

I don't know. But i have to admit...it thrills me just thinking about 'the moment' with Him after I died. I want to know how it feels like to be in awe of Him literally, how would God-the One whom I've been in contact with for my whole life- look, what would I do there...So many things I'm extremely curious about. I seriously can't wait to be with Him.

But then...my human sinfulness struck in...'Mink, you still have a whole bunches of things in your life that you haven't done yet...why would you want to die?' The idea of suffering and death overshadows me.

I fear.

I fear of the pain I would suffer when my whole body started to stop functioning. I fear of darkness and the mystery after passing a world called 'life'. I fear of the moment my breath is being drawn out of me. I fear that I would not get to look into my beloved's eyes again. I fear tht I would feel no more.

Somehow, in this shadow of fear, a light of Hope seeps in. Jesus said, 'Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, you believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.' (John 14:1-4)

In my faith, I know where my soul is going to rest. I may not be wealthy enough to buy a tomb or a burial place for my body to lie in this world but I know that in heaven, my Father's house, my King's palace, there is a place for me unto eternity (read Rev. 21). Jesus is my Hope. God says, 'He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.' (Rev. 21:7)

So back to the question: what am I to do with this short life? It's a question every living soul has to ponder. I might as well answer it in an easy selfish way - to do what God has planned. But tonight, I don't feel it quite right to take this question too lightly. Jesus has given up many things so that I may live and have abundant life here on earth. He has prepared and provided things and places so that I may make use of them. He has allowed trials and hardship to happen so that I may learn and be ready for the real battle even though it breaks His heart.

Well, after writing that...i still can't find the right exact answer to this question (sorry if you expected that I would get it..lol). One thing I do know, though, is that I want to live with passion for Him, my beloved King, and others who are beloved by Him. Life is short but it's such a gift. We are not robots being controlled but we are a living, breathing children of the Father of fathers. To have life is probably the greatest gift of all after Redemption because it means I am here to witness His manifested power and glory.

Because God gives me sight, now I get to see those mighty range of mountains rolling by the green pastures under the starry velvety sky.

Because God gives me breath, now I get to smell the sweet crisp fragrance of the blooming buds, the cool earth in the rain and the mouth-watering smell of fresh baked cookies and the just-brewed coffee aroma early in the morning.

Because God gives me ears, now I get to appreciate the sound of music, the quiet silence at nightime, the flowing water and the roaring thunder.

Because God gives me taste, now I get to enjoy eating all kind of yummy food!

Because God gives me touch, now I get to sense the motherly love when my mom holds my hand while walking me to school, to feel red and hot because my blood goes shooting everywhere when being kissed and to feel the warmth of my friends' bodies when being hugged.

These actually keep me ALIVE. Without these senses, everything is meaningless. Even though the world sees me as an insignificant dead person, I am alive in Him. I trust that God has made me, and each one of us, specially, creatively, spontaneously, beautifully, fearfully and godly.

So what I am to do with this life is to live to the fullest. I will hike up until I could reach the topmost part. I will dive down until I touch the bottom ground. I will fly with His wings to the west and the east searching the mystery of life. And in each step, I will continue to worship my Light. I will praise Him when I breathe in and out. I will cherish the moments I have here by myself or with His people. And I will not be sad when I am to leave this world. Death may scare me but my prayer is that in His authority and sovereignty, I will conquer it! Jesus has victory over death and has shone His light brightfully to the world. I am a daughter of the Light and there shall be no fear.

Hear attentively, my friends. When my time has come, do not grieve because I am gone forever. Do cry because tears are made for this purpose...and because you love me...and I love you. But we reckon that in our Hope shall we meet again on the beautiful shore of New Jerusalem. Do not try to find a place for my body to be laid down on this earth because you know where my spirit shall rest peacefully. Please let the fire consume this worldly possession and let what was left of it flow along in the waves of the ocean and blow with the northern wind.

'No guilt in life. No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, No scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns of calls me Home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand'"

Mink

Teary Goodbye

2007-07-16T19:06:00.000+07:00

There is time to meet and time to depart...King Solomon once said that.I have had some heart-breaking moments before when I was younger: for example, when my mouse died or when my dad passed away. Both of those time, I could only stand there witnessing their last breath and do nothing. I also shed a tank of tears hugging goodbyes to my high-school friends on our last day of school. And these past few years, I have stood at the airport waving goodbyes to the friends I love and hoping we would meet again.Yesterday was no difference. One thing I never understand is why...why leaving is so hard for me? I am hurt. I am sad. My heart is broken. I cry. I lose. It is like a cold sharp sword piercing into my soul, cutting out a part of it and leaving me with such raw bleeding wound. Somehow I know it is alright. Everything is going to work just fine again after I can "pass through" the challenge. I have had this before...but...just RIGHT NOW...everything is too fresh and vivid. The memories keep flashing back moment after moment...and they cause my eyes to be red and teary again.Strange but true...though the memories can hurt, I still allow them to sink in and be tucked tightly and securely in the deepest part of my heart...waiting for you all to come back and unlock this drawyer.

Thank you for your smile and laughter. Thank you for the unforgettable moments. Thank you for sharing the real "you" with me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the hope that we will meet again.

And so we shall...

"Father,Thank you for the love of my life. Thank you that you have made them so precious...and that You allow us to cultivate such friendships. I pray that it will thrive and grow in Your love, God. It is such a miracle to be their friends. Please bring your healing to me right now...the wound is still too fresh and raw...and it makes my heart ache and sore. But Your lovingkindness, mercy and grace will make my heart complete again. In You, Jesus, I am made whole again. Thank You for the hope that we shall meet again...either here on earth...or in Your home. Amen."

How to Say Goodbye by Michael W. Smith

"Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterdayAnd I don’t know how
Tell me what could stop this river of tears
That’s been building up for years for this moment now

Here I stand arms open wideI’ve held you close
Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye

Tell me why
Why this following of dreams
Takes you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space
You left behindAnd how to laugh instead of cry
How to say good bye

Here I stand arms open wide
I’ve held you close Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye"

Cry of the Lonely

2007-06-27T21:06:00.000+07:00

"Being surrounded with familiar faces,
My heart is yet shatteringly broken inside with this stabbing loneliness.
Being wrapped around in the shadow of night,
The intent gaze still keeps eyeing on me tight.
Running away from the painful truth that is chasing after my cry.
Inwardly screaming for the help I thought I'd never find.
Are You here as promised?
Oh-Lord, do what you think is best."

The visa story and my ex-nanny

2007-05-28T13:40:00.000+07:00

I went to the embassy this morning...and it was very intense. I've never thought applying for visa would reck my nerve so much like this. This has been a very long process indeed...and thanks to all of my friends who have been faithfully praying for me...I can endure the struggles.

The music from my cell phone rang when it was 6:30. I sleepily dragged myself out of bed and got a shower. Another day of my life....tiresome. I was finally ready at 7:30. Without a thought of finding something to munch on the way, I unwillingly left home. Calling to God seemed very urgent and important right then when I felt so desperate and helpless. I was scared. I had no clue what would lie ahead at the embassy. And i would give up the whole dream of going to Canada if this was not God's will.

Everyone knows how I hate formality and practicality. I would slack until my last minute to get my works done. I would suddenly feel sick when someone hands me a stack of paper full of ABCs and there's no picture in it. I am a HUGE procrastinator. But God has enduringly taught me to "grow up". There is no "mummy" to call for anymore since I stepped out of the "teen age" and entered the twenties (A little stop here, by this i mean it's my own business i need to deal with...not that she's gone). There is no more present protection, whom I could turn for a soothing hug, when I am turned down or scolded by strangers. I'm ON MY OWN. I need to be mature.

So let's come back to my embassy situation. When I got to the building, where Starbucks and Au Bon Pain are friends w/ "cool businessmen", I, an uptown girl, walked straight into a bank to buy the cashier cheque. Then I flew up to the 15th floor by a small tricky box called, "lift". Now once I got there, my stress level reached 90 degree...a little bit more and i'm sure i'd explode. There were 10 more applicants to go, so I pulled out my documentations and check again and again and again just in case...When my queue number was called, my heart was pounding so loud that i'm sure a lady sitting beside me could hear. I handed in my papers to the lady officer, who sat behind a big glass window looking like she hasn't had her "go" for 2 days. After a moment of stressful silence, she finally spoke up. "Your visit is during the school year eh?" I said yes. "Then you need your school transcript. The student certificate is not enough. No one will listen to your reasons...not enough proof." While I was managing in my head what those words meant, she shot at me w/ her last remark, "Do you understand? Come back later when you have your transcript".

And that was it.

So shocked as I was, I unconsciously walked out of the office not knowing what to do next. But one little voiced said that I needed to come to school....for what reasons I had no idea just yet....so I obeyed. And here I am...sitting in front of the computer screen feeling like I'd better make a move.

Sometimes we just think that God is like a nanny. We turn to Him for help only when we are desperate and helpless. Then when we get what we want, we just carelessly say thanks and ran away for some fake beauty or fun. Now I learned that He is more than that. He is the one whom all must fear and be trembled because He is the Lord, the Righteousness, the just Judge and the King.

Do pray that I'd learn more about fear and obedience, love and reliance, faith and trust. "Whatever the outcome may be, I will daily trust you, Lord."

A time for everything...

2007-05-08T16:04:00.000+07:00

"From this weak, broken-winged sparrow,

You have made it to be a strong eagle with the hawk's vision.

From this bruised, trampled rose,

You have made it to be a fresh, beautiful, delightful sunflower.

From this abandoned, lone scarecrow,

You have made it to be a lively, beloved human who breathes....

I am not the same anymore.

You are the ozone amongst the polluted air,

The sun at the dawn which gracefully gives warmth,

The lovely bright morning star,

The mounting moon in the blanketed night,

The oasis in the vast desert to the parched-throat,

And the rainbow after the rainstorm."

This is my true sincere expression towards my spirituality throughout the time I've been adventuring the world with God. There are times when everything seems to be crumbled down and all dark. But there are also times when the Divine intervenes and my teary eyes are able to see the path clearly again. I know I am not a writer nor a poet...but this I wrote to praise Him, to honor Him, to glorify Him and to thank Him...the Lord God almighty...the One who took human flesh and endured all things so that we are saved.

"Jesus, I love Thee".

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, And a time to heal;

A time to break down, And a time to build up;

A time to weep, And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, And a time to lose;

A time to keep, And a time to throw away;

A time to tear, And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;

A time to love, And a time to hate;

A time of war, And a time of peace."

Ecclesiates 3:1-8

In the remembrance of the amazing Grade 2

2007-03-26T15:46:00.000+07:00

Man! Second Graders are the coolest, funniest, brightest kids ever! There are 24 of them altogether and each of them is so unique. Today we went on a field trip to "Siam Ocean World" together, and it was a blast! To many people's eyes, they might be loud, wild, demanding but to my eyes they are smart, quick to learn and bright! (though sometimes i need to confess they aren't like that.) This is the picture taken on Halloween's day. People were supposed to dress fancy. Here we have a witch, a baseball player ghost, a bloody monster, a satan, a skeleton and a cat woman, our homeroom teacher - Miss Jenelle.

This is Seven, the funny, waggly boy. He is such a creative person. He loves to innovate things out of his scrap paper. lol But he is amazing. He cracks us up all the time with his innocent face and naivety. Today he has been all about a "managing my pocket money" person. He had 200 baht (that's quite a lot of money for a second grader. when i was 8 i got 50 baht at the most.) for his shopping. After he bought a drink or a snack, he would take out all of his money and counted how many baht he had left. So cute. And the thing that made him upset the most was that the souvenir shop gave him 10 baht change instead of 30 baht. And he loves coffee. Shocking!

Momae and Mind-Girl. Cuties. Mind-Girl is really smart. You could probably compare her to Hermione, Harry Potter's friend. In class, I always see her hands shot right up waiting eagerly to be picked to answer the questions. And she always gets dressed up beautifully when there's a big event. Momae...such a blessing to me. She used to be in esl2 but her improvement, to my eyes, was really big. It turned out that she didn't have to take esl2 anymore for the 2nd semester. She loves to tickle people and grab my bum. Today she told me, "Miss Mink, you have such a cute bum. Why?" My word...why like this? lol

Jenelle, the beautiful and devoted Grade 2 teacher. Thank God I've been asked to help her out. She loves reading, working out, shouting "QUIET!" to her students, watching chicky movies, listening to audio books, Louie Giglio, Som-Tum and chicken. Sad day, she will be leaving on April 5th but it'll probably be a happy day for so many others at home. Jenelle, You ROCK! I love you so much. You are an amazing, magnanimous teacher!

And the girl beside her, Heidi D., a sweet, gentle girl with beautiful sincere smile. Cracks me up all the time because of her thai. lol (Sorry, Heidi. Didn't mean to offend you.) She has such a respectful effort to learn this foreign language which she'll probably never be using it...but who knows. And to be honest she is pretty good. Eh?

Six crazy days...

2007-03-24T12:15:00.000+07:00

Six more days of school left at GES. What a blast! It'll surely be packed with a lot of parties, field-trips, games and goodbyes. But I'm not going to be here in Nonthaburi when these things happen because I'm going to Chiang-Mai and other northern provinces with my school for the whole week! Leaving Tuesday and coming back Saturday. Oh time is running short and there're so many more things I want to do...so many people I want to get together before leaving.

It is the time that I have to confront every year. Departing. Leaving memories behind. Future. Hug. Tear. Hope. Love. Someone said to me long time ago that, "To leave is to meet". It is true. It's been an invaluable year of struggle, relying on God, friendship and love. Precious treasure you can find nowhere else.

Wait

2007-03-14T16:07:00.000+07:00

It has been almost a whole month, I guess, that I haven't put anything up here at all. Wow...w...I can't believe time has flown by so fast! My teaching at NCA was over for almost 2 weeks now. There are only 2 and a half weeks of school left at GES. And my summer school at college will start pretty soon too. Oh, time never waits for anything. At a moment I thought I would bore myself to death because I didn't have anything to do, but a swift moment later when I look at myself again, there are too many jobs in my hands! What a crazy world! lol

Last two weeks, I got to go to Hua-Hin with a group of teachers. It was such a refreshing time for me. And I will post stories and pictures up pretty soon. But today I just want to welcome you to this Russel Kelfer's prayerful thought through his poem - WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, lovingly, I cried;

quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for clue to my fate…

and the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘Yes’ a go-ahead sign

or even a ‘No’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, Dear Lord,that if we believe,

we need but to ask and we shall receive.

Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry.

I’m weary of asking, I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly I learned of my fate,

as my Master replied again “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair defeated and taunt,

and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting….for what?”
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

…and he tenderly said, “I could give you sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek, and pleased you would be.

You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in me,

when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You’d never experience the fullness of love,

when the peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give and I save for a start.

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask,

from an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,

when it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss, if you missed what I am doing in you.
So be silent my child and in time you will see,

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though my answers seem terribly late,

my most precious answer of all is still….wait.”

My friend, Kristin, shared this to me a while ago. And it suited me perfectly during that time. I am not going to say anything because these words have already spoken for me. When you are in the midst of confusion, your eyes are blurred with tears of anger and frustration, remember this God who knows you even before you were born and who loves you so dearly.

Seek and ye will find...God provides more than you can imagine.

Mink ^-^

Battling Soul

2007-02-19T18:22:00.000+07:00

Since the morning, the air has been so beachy. Not too hot nor too humid. That gracefully calms my soul, and i thank God for a break from heaviness of weather. I've had quite a quiet day, and it is actually nice. Sometimes i feel like being in people's presence and enjoying the time of fellowship, but so many times i do need the time of meditation, the time of pondering and reflection alone with God. And today is it.

These past few days I have been fighting with confusion a lot. One side of my heart is the Holy Spirit's and the other side is Satan's. I wonder how a man, or in this case a woman, can be dwelled by both. The thing is i'm struggling with the concept of love...(oh yeah...valentine's month). I hear a voice gently speaking, "love your neighbors as you love yourselves", but a swift moment later i hear another evil croaked voice saying, "you haven't received anything back since you gave. why would you still want to love?". And oh, my heart so longingly desires to give love unconditionally like Jesus does, but i'm such a lame and crooked spirit that i don't think i'll be able to accomplish that once. Is this a lie of my life? A lie that tells i am not deserved to be a messenger of love and peace for Jesus?

Very well then, my whole being belongs to Jesus, my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer...the Owner of my life, I will never give in to the power of Satan. It is dragging me into its trap, into the dirty lie. I will never stop fighting until the day Jesus comes and defeats all under His feet. Though I will lose my life, i will stubbornly and continually fight for God is my strength, my Stronghold, my Tower and my Cornerstone.

Jesus, You are the Lover of my life. No one shall ever take Your place...though a part within me longs for more.

Valentine's Week

2007-02-16T10:25:00.000+07:00

Oh, this week has been full of mixtures of feelings and emotions...in a good way though. Valentine's day passed without anything "particularly" special from a male companion, lol, which was totally fine. I've received "more than enough" love from my family, girl and some boy friends and my students. One verse from the bible that stuck in my mind all the time is, "It is more blessed to give than to receive". Some might say that this is a way to comfort oneself, but Jesus' word is forever true. And this ain't a comfort, it's the "truth". Why am I so confident? Because I've tried that!

I found myself being so much in peace when I darted my eyes around the school campus and saw the little girls and boys wearing pink, red and white running around the school with chocolate, cookies and gifts from their friends or teachers. Then I turned my gaze the other ways and saw young teens walking with their "special partners" with one hand carrying a bunch of gifts or flowers and the other hand holding the other's hand. The school was filled with excitement! When I walked back into the staff room, though the normal busy-ness was left lingering there, I could smell the air of happiness, joy and hope. In each teacher's mailbox, that was usually stacked with piles of paper and sraps, there were cute little "Hershey's Kiss" chocolate and notes with scripture like "1 Corinthians 13:4-7" sitting on top of it all. Hugs and kisses were exchanged sweetly and openly.

Even though the longing for a male companion deep inside my heart was still there, I was able to find joy in the midst of my friends' presence and God's overwhelming love. Plus, I know that He will not let me wait for too long. I love writing notes to people so that was what I did this year. I know that it might not be as pricy as chocolate or flowers, but that was from all of my heart I have for each one.

And today with G.4 at NCA, we had the chocolate party because 1) we're on the chapter called, "Chocolate King" and 2) it's the Valentine's week. I told them before time to bring anything chocolaty today to share with their friends. When I opened the door, all my kings and queens (i also had them make their own crowns) were all shaking with eagerness ane excitement. But I guess i was quite a cruel teacher because I didn't let the party begin right away, instead I was talking about what "love" means and how we can show love to others. Some of them were moaning like, "Miss Mink, the time is flying and the bell will ring soon if we're not gonna start". lol Oh well, I am a teacher, ain't I? Then I came up with an idea, which I believe that it was Holy Spirit's work, that we would give away our chocolate stuffs to other teachers and students in the school because there were so MANY! Seriously, my desk was piled up with more than 20 kinds of chocolate excluded milk and drinks. So I divided them into 4 groups and told them to knock on each classroom's door and quietly gave chocolate to the teachers. It was quite a success, I think, because each one came back with smiles and some of them just ran back frantically to grab more because it was not enough for all. That surprised me because they didn't "really" want to give at first. I pray that these children, who have increasinly become growing in my heart, would find the "true love" somehow in their older years.

"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us.

God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."

- 1 John 4:16

Happy Valentine's Day!

Mink ^-^

P.S. I'll post some pictures from Valentine's Party from last Sunday soon. Stay tuned!

It's All About You, Jesus...

2007-02-10T16:27:00.000+07:00

Jesus, Lover of My Soul (It's all about You)

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender to your ways

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want you to know
I will follow you all my days
For no one else in history is like you
And history itself belongs to you
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will share eternity with You

I am so tired. There is no better word to describe my feeling...my exhaustion right now. Tomorrow will be the big day, Valentine's Party. The first significant job since the vote for leaders. It is hard, and I am drained. It's Saturday today, and I really want to go to Newsong, the underground church with my friends...but I just simply can't. So many things need to be prepared and got ready, so many practices. And things seem to go not like I have planned. We may not have the "Prodigal Son" skit because our actors and actress aren't really sure if they can do. There were so few time to practice. The topic I've planned for Small Group will have to be changed. Things just don't go like "my" ways.

Then I was listening to this song I posted up there, and it struck me so hard. It is ALL about God...and not about me. And this is the right way which He wants now.

"Take over everything that I am holding back from You, Lord"

Please pray that all will go as He planned.

Overwhelming Love

2007-01-30T20:53:00.000+07:00

I just went running out around the school campus on the chillin' breezy night. Oh! What a wonderful feeling to be able to pour out my energy on jogging, breathing the unpolluted fresh air, meditating on every single beat of my heart and thanking God for the quietness of my soul as the tall fur-like trees being swayed by the cooly wind of this silent night!

To be honest, I am not a really durable runner. I usually run for at least 10 laps around the soccer field, (which its size is like your backyard if you've been to GES...haha...). But that's good for my body...at least for now. Then after I felt exhausted, I'd cool down by stretching, doing sit-up and laying down on the ground. Tonight I did the same thing. And while I was lying there lifting my feet and pointing my eyes heavenward, I felt amazingly close to God. It was JUST RIGHT THERE within my reach. Though I was so bugged with wild tropical mosquitoes (yah...sorry that the mentioning of mosquitoes kinda spoils the cooly story), my whole being resisted to move.

Now I just thank God for the joy in my heart for having His love grasping so tightly. He is the trusted Guardian of my spirit, and my soul longs and thirsts for Him.

I feel alive once more...

"As the deer panteth for the water

So my soul longeth after Thee

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship Thee

You alone are my strength, my shield

To You alone may my spirit yielded

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship Thee"

May this song, which was inspired by Psalm 42, be your prayer when your soul is dry and your heart is being cracked. Great is our Comforter. Let our lives be the burnt offerings that please Him, and worship Him.

Picture from: http://www.deanesmay.com/files/deanesmay-starsky.jpg
Picture by Van Goh

Enough

2007-01-25T20:42:00.000+07:00

"Why do I keep wanting?" is my biggest question in my life? Why am I not satisfied in what I have, where I am and who I am created to be? The words from the song called "Enough" has been playing in my mind recently, and I have been pondering about it a bit.

The definition of "ambition" that I got from dictionary.com is "an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment:..." And as I grew up with my dad, who was a businessman, one of the teachings he told me was to "aim high, reach higher and succeed."

When I was young, I joined the taekwondo club, which finally me and my sisters ended up playing for the team for a few years. To say, it was something that I didn't really love, but it was fun to be around friends and fellow atheletes. I wasn't really good at it. Whenever we had a tournament, the highest medal I got was mostly silver. However, we were taught never to give up when the eyes of the whole stadium were watching at us, and while the time was running unless we got seriously injured. No matter how exhausted i was, i needed to keep kicking, playing along the plan until time was up. To be honest, it was something I struggled with the most. I was not, and am not a fighter. However, when the whistle was blown, I felt both succeeded and burdened at the same time. Succeeded because I could win over my physical and spiritual weaknesses, but burdened because i knew that next round was coming up and the fight with my own self would start once more. Somehow, at the end of the match, when a speaker announced the winners' awards, I felt honored, proud and succeeded.

When I grow up, after my dad's death, one of my ambitions is to have a bachelor degree for both of my parents. It is something they never had in their lives. My dad only got a certification from some kind of a trade school (somehow, after he got married with mom, he saught for more knowledge by attending language schools, joining clubs, etc. He was a learner.) and my mom didn't even finish her sixth year of primary school at all because her family had to move somewhere else, and they were so poor during that time. So briefly i have inherited this kind of pressing ambition that my parents couldn't have in their own time, and honestly i want to accomplish it.

Yah, i'm fighting with ambition in my life, yet what the Lord has for me is a complete different story. I might not give the best definition of ambition well, but here's what i am strugglign now: what i want, i try to do it in my "own" way but not the Lord's way. And it turns out in a disaster. I want to be paid attention at so i try to act in somewhat not my own self at all. I want to go on a trip so i work myself to bone (that's what my friend said) to get money, which was eventually spent in something more necessary. So i just thought that it's good to have ambition in life, but if used in the wrong way, it ends up in self-centeredness and making a wrong turn on the path of God's will. What He has in store for me is more than enough...

Enough by Louie Giglio & Chris Tomlin

You are my supply

My breath of life

Still more awesome than I know.

You are my reward

Worth living for

Still more awesome than I know.

And all of you

Is more than enough for

all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with your love

And all I have in you is more than enough

You're my sacrifice

Of greatest price

Still more awesome than I know.

You're my coming King

You're my everything

Still more awesome than I know.

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me.

More than all I know

More than all I can see

You are more than enough for me.

You have walked into my life

2007-01-23T15:23:00.000+07:00

(My apology for the weird use of vocabulary and sentence fragments...my brain doesn't work so well since i haven't had anything at all today.)

Oh, my...I am so tired. This has been a long day without any food filling my stomach! Why, why, why do I complain all the time? I complain when I have nothing to do, but I still do when there're more than enough in my hands at the same time. Is this a part of human nature or just my own thing? lol Anyway, I'm on my break. Don't even wanna move a limb even though my stomach is betraying my feeling.

However, in all the complaints, I do thank God for the busy day. At least it keeps me focused on the goals of the day or else I'd sit restlessly wandering in my thoughts of something unreachable. Yes, I have been thinking a lot lately. Whenever there is time, which seems to be not as much as before now, I'd sit down trapping myself in my own little world and think...about things of tomorrow, things that seem so far away...think of people who were now history (by this, i'm not replying that they're dead...but they're not present anymore), who have walked into my journey towards eternity, who have become dear people to me and will be gone in a few months...

"Life is a gift" someone said to me, yet it seems so strange...How come people from completely different backgrounds, stories, cultures, spots were brought to meet at a particular, certain place and time? It's just amazing! And only God can do that! I thank God for every single soul He has brought into my life. They might play different roles yet they're parts of His plan to mold me, conform me into His image. I'm being purified so that when I'm tested by fire, what comes out of it will be the shiny sparkling pure gold.

So, I don't know what to write anymore....I just want to let you all know that I miss you...wherever you are, whatever you do...you mean so much to me. And you're the parts that brighten up my life. Thanks for all the prayers, cards, notes, presents, encouraging words, hug, thoughts and love. I cherish them all. Thanks be to God whom have drawn us close and that we've become friends. Thank Him for the sweet, wonderful and adventurous memories i had with you guys when travelled.

"Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiates 4:9-12

"I spent a day in the city..."

2007-01-19T10:47:00.000+07:00

"I spent a day in the city in going to visit my friend at her apartment house. It took me 5 hours from where I live to get there. While I drove, I had to turn at every signle corner, pass many street signs, and almost needed to stop at every traffic light. It was a horrible, exhausting ride so I decided to stop at a parking meter. However, to make a matter worse, there was a tornado flew right into where I stopped. Everything on the street by the sidewalk was damaged.

The pedestrians were running wildly, trying to get into office buildings so that they'd be safe from the monster. I was one of them. Unfortunately, I was also one of many witnesses that saw a horrible scene: a freaked-out, running-for-life old man was trying to make his way towards my building. However, he was too short-sighted to see that right in front of him was a big curb. Poor guy, he stumbled over it, and got his head cut open. Thank God, someone's cell worked, and he called for the ambulance. Eventually, I reached my friend's house only to find that she was not home. And that was how I spent my day in this smog city."

That just happened yesterday.......................

:)

If you believed that, you gotta be crazy! First, I can't drive. Second, there was only a heavy storm came into Nonthaburi yesterday, not a tornado. lol This writing was just written when I leisurely joined Angi's class last Tuesday and she told us to write a story out of 10 words we learned together. I don't know how I came up with that miserable story while others wrote about their shopping and business.

Well, just wanna share. lol Good day to you all.

The Greatest Love of Christmas

2007-01-11T17:54:00.000+07:00

Finally, i got this time to put some of the pictures from Christmas down. This one is on Dec. 17th, when we had the Christmas Concert Outreach at Big C. It is more crowded and noisier than before because it was almost holiday. (Yah...too bad Thailand doesn't have a long Christmas break like those of you who are from western countries. We have a new year break though.) So, it made us all nervous, but it went pretty well. These are the kids that bravely came up on the stage to play game with us.

After Big C, we drove straight down to Nonthaburi Pier. You may not be able to imagine how we carried all of our heavy and huge musical instruments and needed stuffs such as drums, keyboard, guitar, bass, amplifiers, stands and chords back and forth. Basically, we had 2 pick-up trucks for these things. Somehow, we still needed to carry them from the trucks to where we're gonna play. This picture is before showing. We're seriously starving...waiting for someone to bring food to feed us, planning, getting together and praying.

The concerts went well. We're tired, but we still praised God for that. This is Christmas Eve. It was really cool to be able to sit down and ponder more of what Christmas really means. And to be honest, us, christians, have a little time of pondering because when the event comes we run around like chicken trying to get things done, make things perfect, please people, buy last-minute presents, send cards...and all these craziness. Well, at least it happens to me all the time. When I came to think about it, what a waste of time i spent. So, I made my resolution that this year I'll stop running around, and sit down to listen to God telling me about the meaning of Christmas more. The man in the picture is Pastor Ray(wat). He was preaching about "Why Jesus came down as a man?"

In the evening, my church's christmas banquet, "The Greatest Love of Christmas" began. There were various kinds of shows: dancing from sunday school children, singing from many groups, christmas choir, a skit from youth group, etc. This is the end of our skit. Can you guess who is who?

(From the left: the Star, three wisemen, a girl who seeks the real christmas meaning, shepherds, Joseph and Mary)

A day after, we had this "Christmas Concert" again at a mall nearby called, "Central Rattanatibet". Personally, I was seriously drained, so I was glad it was the last program we'd do after long practicing, preparing, decorating, working. It was pretty cool. Central is totally different from Big C. It is less crowded, quieter and cooler. So, we mainly reached out to shoppers AND the mall's workers, which was really cool. I feel so blessed that God chose all of us in the picture to serve, walk in Him, learn about each other together. We're bound to be brothers and sisters.

Sorry, I can't rotate this picture. Just want to introduce you to my sweet sisters, Mai and Mo. We're standing in front of the mall trying to look like travellers. lol

Well, that was my Christmas story this past year. I pray you all would find the true meaning of Christmas, or in a better way i read from my friend's blog, Christ-mass.

My "self" and my "real self"

2007-01-02T16:04:00.000+07:00

Well, yeah...here I am again sitting here and wondering what to write. I believe it happens with almost everyone when your life either is full of remarkable, exciting events and adventures or full of boredom and nothingness. Mine is the latter.

With that said, there were "some" good moments during Christmas and new year, but most of the areas in my life have been taken with confusing, blurry pictures and empty feelings. Days drag on with whole bunches of things going on but I don't get excited with them. I try to get inspirations from books, spiritual people's testimonies, movies, talks or quotes, but what do I need the most?

Truly, I start to get bored in blogging about my boredom in life, my lack of excitement and my emptiness in heart. I start to wonder where God is in my life. Yes, I have been sharing this to many people, and maybe talking it over with some of the poeple, but healing comes so slowly that I wonder it'll ever be healed again. I see family and friends around me busying themselves with their beloved jobs, goals in studying, tendency to be succesful in their lives, adventurous travels...and I get envied. One of my friends here, SaraJane, told me to get a view of a whole big picture in this year, not only a particular small part of the future. And I think it's true. But my problem is I don't see anything at all. (underlined that word "at all") I don't feel like myself. I have been someone else whom I hate, and I want to get out of this self soon! At the same time, with all the burning desire to walk away from this useless self, I feel trapped.

Today I was reading the weekly devotion by Rick Joyner, and the scipture is in Ephesians 2:8-9 which you guys probably know so well. And he was talking about by grace we have been saved. And it is not about deeds that God is fond of us, or else He wouldn't send Jesus down to die on the cross for our sins, but it is our broken and contrite hearts. He has no need of our help because He is the I am, but He loves us and wants the best for us. Somehow, human gets slayed easily because of Satan. The best example of all is Adam and Eve who fell into sins because they'd rather lived life with the knowledge of good and evil than with the fruits from the Tree of Life. And I think that's what I have now. I try to live life righteously, do things on my own so it'd not bother anyone, blame myself and dwell in bitterness while Jesus says He is our righteousness and salvation. He is ready to help me, but I am not willing just yet. I don't know why I am so stubborn like donkeys, but it probably takes sometimes. Some says God takes time with us so that we'd really realize what He has in plans for our lives, and that we'd see His abundant mercy, grace and love clearer. And I hope it is true. I know all these facts and truths, but I cannot just live them.

I'm now reading the book called, "Through the painted desert" by Donald Miller. And I'd like to quote this sentence which totally struck me so hard:

"Life is to be lived, not just gotten through."

(Not the exact quote, but something like this) I really like it, and have been thinking a lot about it. Life is a struggle for me now, and I pray that in some days soon, God'd change this whole gray picture into something colorful and bright. And I'd get my real self back again.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

2006-12-30T15:11:00.000+07:00

Finally, the long but short time of year 2005 is fading away, and the air of the welcoming fresh new year is coming. Hmm...anyway, nothing to say much except I miss "you"...and wish you the merriest Christmas and the best, happiest new year!!! I'll see you all soon.

Love,

Mink ^-^

Christmas Is Your Birthday

2006-12-17T19:29:00.000+07:00

Q: Why does Santa Claus have 3 gardens?

A: Because he can "hoe, hoe, hoe".....:)

(Joke performed by Matt Bohlman, the funniest guy I ever met.)

Finally, today is over. It has been a pretty good tiring day. This afternoon, youth group had the christmas concert outreach at Big C Tiwanon, and Nonthaburi pier. It was cool to see people stopped by and watched us. Really special, but the most important thing of all, I pray that they'd hear the core of our message, Jesus' birth.

Anyway, I'm glad that the day is over...and I look forward to crashing on my bed. O Christmas, You are such the joyful season. I wish I can rest soon.

Love you all,
Mink ^-^

The Great Painting On White Sheet

2006-12-14T13:11:00.000+07:00

Today was another day of teaching...and that means G.3 and 4 students over at NCA. I was thinking at first about naming the title as "Tame the Wild". Somehow, it just sounds so crude, and so inappropriate if I was going to talk about kids. So, I changed my mind as you can see.

Never once in my life that I have dreamt of being a teacher, who is supposed to be knowledgable, offering and sacrificing, enduring and patient, loving and lovable. Every teacher in my life "gives" so much. In contrary, when I look at myself, I am not even close to the type (or at least I don't think I am.) Okay, I might have an expertise in using English, but I am not sacrificing enough. I am totally opposite, which means selfish. I can be patient, but at the same time if the situation does not seem better, I am boiling inside and totally ready to explode. And I do not think I am a loving and lovable "teacher".

However, the blessing in teaching is the kids. Even though they are stubborn, crazy, naughty, loud, noisy, disobedient, disrespectful, they are children. Sometimes, I just have a forceful feeling to smack these kids because they were shouting while I was speaking. But then, when I think back, it makes me laugh. They are simply natural, so naive and innocent. They speak of what they think. They behave and act in they ways they have been taught. They do not pretend. Children are so pure like "white sheet". The picture will turn colorful or dull, alive or lifeless, beautiful or ugly is completely up to the painter. And that is what I am now too...a painter, the unwilling one...

Yet, it reminds me of who I am...I am like those children too. I have my own great Painter, who is now admiring His own painting from somewhere above. He knows my directions. He knows how I feel like crap now. He knows my destination. He knows everything because He intended it to be for the goal of eternity.

In Matthew, Jesus told His disciples about children, "'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" The only way these kids can see Jesus is through my life. So, I am praying that He would give me wisdom and understanding in teaching, patience and endurance during the refining process, giving and sacrificing so that His love would reach out to them. Somehow, it's just so hard for me...so hard that I don't think I will ever like this job, let alone love. Yet, in Him everything is possible. What I really need now is the vision in teaching, His love that would fill my heart and bring me through everyday's struggles graciously.

And He said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Being Trapped In Torturing Pleasure

2006-12-13T13:32:00.000+07:00

Since last night, I have been so obsessed with managing, organizing, creating and editting my blog here. Why? Why am I torturing myself like this? My eyes are tired and my head is spinning because of technical mazes.

Oh! Blogger, why are you so cruel to me?...and yet, I have no desire to give up until I get the hang of it. *~*

Mink ^-^

Life is full of promises

2006-12-12T20:09:00.000+07:00

Up in heaven is the broad blue sky in daylight, and the velvety starry one after the sun says 'good night' to the world.

On earth is the vast furtiled soil blanketed with green fields everywhere. Trees, valleys, creeks and mountains. Oh! I wish I were standing there being embraced warmly by these Friends.

Underwater lived the water animals, the unknown creatures, who don't use their noses in breathing and a thousand kinds of colorful plants.

Hmm...life is so full of promises. The promises of new better life, hope in eternal land and assurance of God's presence.

God is always here, always near, always within.

"Over all the earth You reign on high

Every mountain stream, every sunset sky

But my one request, Lord my only aim

Is that You reign in me again

Lord reign in me, reign in Your power

Over all my dreams, in my darkest hour

You are the Lord of all I am

So won't You reign in me again

Over every thought, over every word

May my life reflect the beauty of my Lord

Cause You mean more to me than any earthly thing

So won't You reign in me again"